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April 16th

Advice is one of those things it is far more blessed to give than to receive. – Carolyn Wells


TODAY – APRIL 16th

106th day of the year (107th in leap years) with 259 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Day of the Mushroom
~ Emancipation Day (Washington, D.C.)
~ International Foursquare Day
~ National Bean Counter Day
~ National Eggs Benedict Day
~ National Healthcare Decisions Day
~ National Orchid Day
~ National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
~ World Voice Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1867 Wilbur Wright, Dayton, Ohio, aviation pioneer (he and his brother invented & built world’s 1st airplane to make 1st controlled, powered and sustained heaver-than-air human flight)
  • 1889 Charlie Chaplin, English actor and filmmaker (The Tramp, co-founded United Artists)
  • 1907 Joseph-Armand Bombardier, Valcourt, Quebec, Canadian inventor and businessman (most famous invention was the snowmobile)
  • 1910 Berton Roueché, Kansas City, Missouri, author of medical mysteries focused on epidemiology (Black Weather, The Last Enemy, Feral, The Medical Detectives (inspiration for tv show “House“))
  • 1917 Barry Nelson, San Francisco, California, actor (1st actor to portray James Bond/ Casino Royale on television)
  • 1921 Peter Ustinov, English actor (Quo Vadis, Spartacus, Logan’s Run, Death on the Nile), Goodwill Ambassador for UNICEF
  • 1924 Henry Mancini, American composer (known for film and tv scores such as The Pink Panther Theme, Peter Gunn Theme, Moon River, Days of Wine and Roses)
  • 1935 Bobby Vinton, Canonsburg, Pennsylvania, singer (Roses Are Red My Love, Blue Velvet, Mr. Lonely)
  • 1947 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, NYC, New York, basketball player (NBA’s all-time leading scorer with 38,387 points), actor (Game of Death, Airplane!, The Stand), author (Giant Steps)
  • 1954 Ellen Barkin, The Bronx, New York, actress (Diner, Tender Mercies, The Big Easy, Sea of Love, Wild Bill, Before Women Had Wings,Ocean’s Thirteen,Another Happy Day)
  • 1956 David McDowell Brown, Arlington County, Virginia, U.S. Naval Captain, astronaut (died in Space Shuttle Columbia disaster)
  • 1963 Jimmy Osmond, Canoga Park, California, pop singer (The Osmonds)
  • 1965 Jon Cryer, NYC, New York, actor (Pretty in Pink, Two and a Half Men, Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television )
  • 1965 Martin Lawrence, American (born in Germany) actor and producer (House Party, Bad Boys, Black Knight, Rebound, Wild Hogs, Back to Africa)
  • 1971 Peter Billingsley, NYC, New York, actor (Ralphie in A Christmas Story, The Writing on the Wall)
  • 1975 Sean Maher, Pleasantville, New York, actor (Simon Tam in Firefly and Serenity)
  • 1976 Lukas Haas, West Hollywood, California, actor (Witness, Music Box, The Ryan White Story, Mars Attacks!, Inception, The Revenant)
  • 1984 Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Silver Spring, Maryland, author (Den of Shadows series, The Kiesha’ra Series)

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Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1818 The United States Senate ratifies the Rush-Bagot Treaty, establishing the border with Canada.
  • 1862 American Civil War: A bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia becomes law.
  • 1881 In Dodge City, Kansas, Bat Masterson fights his last gun battle.
  • 1908 Natural Bridges National Monument is established in Utah.
  • 1912 Harriet Quimby becomes the first woman to fly an airplane across the English Channel.
  • 1919 Gandhi organizes a day of “prayer and fasting” in response to the killing of Indian protesters in the Amritsar Massacre by the British.
  • 1945 The United States Army liberates Nazi Sonderlager (high security) prisoner-of-war camp Oflag IV-C (better known as Colditz).
  • 1947 Bernard Baruch coins the term “Cold War” to describe the relationship between the United States and the Soviet Union.
  • 1962 Walter Cronkite takes over as the lead news anchor of the CBS Evening News, during which time he would become “the most trusted man in America”.
  • 1963 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. pens his Letter from Birmingham Jail while incarcerated in Birmingham, Alabama for protesting against segregation.
  • 1972 Apollo program: The launch of Apollo 16 from Cape Canaveral, Florida.
  • 1990 The “Doctor of Death”, Jack Kevorkian, participates in his first assisted suicide.
  • 1992 The Katina P. runs aground off of Maputo, Mozambique and 60,000 tons of crude oil spill into the ocean.
  • 2007 Virginia Tech massacre: The deadliest spree shooting in modern American history. Seung-Hui Cho, kills 32 and injures 23 before committing suicide.
  • 2012 Pulitzer Prize winners announced; first time since 1977 that no book won the Fiction Prize.

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A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”

“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”
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ONE-LINERS:

~ I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
~ I bought some powdered water….but I didn’t know what to add.

~ After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
~ You can’t have everything … where would you put it?

~ My grandfather invented Cliff’s Notes. It all started back in 1912 … well, to make a long story short …
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Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.
“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.
“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”
“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”
“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”
“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.
“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”
Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”
“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfill her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.
After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.
“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”
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My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was “it.” After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn’t find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea.

He got his mom’s phone. They found me immediately when my cellphone started ringing.
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pic of the day: Azaleas in bloom


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A man finished baby-proofing his house and his wife says, “Aw, honey, I thought you said you didn’t want to have kids?”
He responds, “I don’t. Let’s see them get in now.”
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Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked – from a distance – if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”

“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Twenty years ago, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope were all alive.
Today we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope.
—–
Q: What is unique about a goose?
A: It’s the only animal that grows down as it grows up.
—–
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
—–
A guy gets shipwrecked and washes up on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can’t believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He’s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too.
“Oh no!!” he says. “I’ve been marooned!!”
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** How to speak Chinese **
It helps if you say each one out loud:

That’s not right…………………. ……Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?……………Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me asap………………………. …..Kum Hia Nao
Stupid man……………………………..Dum Gai
Small horse…………………………….Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?…………………Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table……………..Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift……………..Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here…………………..Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet………… ….Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week… …Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight…………………. ..Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile……………..Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive…………… .Yu Stin Ki Pu

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GOLDEN OLDIE… After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy responds: “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man”.

The second guy says: “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow”.

The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: “I guess I’d like to hear them say ‘Look – he’s moving!'”
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Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

– Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
– Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
– Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

– Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
– Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie.
– Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

– Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
– Darn, there go the lights again…
– Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

– Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
– What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change…!
– You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of them.

– Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
– This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
– Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.

– What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
– Don’t worry; I think it’s sharp enough.
– Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

– FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
– She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.

“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.

“No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Mushrooms trivia

~Annual U.S. mushroom production is about 825 million pounds.

~Doctors in Germany have reported that some people may show an allergic skin reaction to shiitake mushrooms. The reaction is a lash-like reddening of the skin that may be worsened by exposure to sunlight (ultraviolet light)

~Some famous victims of mushroom poisoning:
The Great Buddha, the Roman Emperors Tiberius and Claudius, banquet guests of the Emperor Nero, Alexander I of Russia, Pope Clement II, King Charles V of France.

~Abe Lincoln’s mother supposedly died when the family dairy cow ate poisonous mushrooms and Mrs. Lincoln drank the milk.

There are close to 40,000 varieties of mushrooms.

~ The official state mushroom of Minnesota is the morel.

~Kennett Square, Pennsylvania is the Mushroom Capital of the World and home to the Phillips Mushroom Museum. The museum was established in 1972, and chronicles 3 generations of the mushroom-farming Phillips family.

~One portabella mushroom has more potassium than a banana.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, “Must be nice.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

When you are required to exhibit strength, it comes. – Joseph Campbell

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