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April 17th

Live every act fully, as if it were your last. – Buddha


TODAY – APRIL 17th

107th day of the year (108th in leap years) with 258 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Blah, Blah, Blah Day
~ National Bat Appreciation Day
~ National Cheeseball Day
~ World Hemophilia Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 Alexander Joy Cartwright, NYC, New York, Inventor of the Modern Game of Baseball (1st person to draw diagram of diamond shaped baseball field; rules of modern baseball based on Knickerbocker Rules developed by Cartwright & committee from Knickerbocker Base Ball Club)
  • 1837 J. P. Morgan, Hartford, Connecticut, financier (arranged merger of Edison General Electric & Thomson-Houston Electric Co. to form General Electric; merged companies to for United States Steel Corporation)
  • 1852 Cap Anson, Marshalltown, Iowa, Baseball Hall of Famer (played record 27 consecutive seasons, regarded one of the first superstars of baseball)
  • 1885 Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen), Danish author (Out of Africa, Babette’s Feast)
  • 1918 William Holden, O’Falion, Illinois, actor (Sunset Boulevard, The Bridge on the River Kwai, The Wild Bunch, The Towering Inferno, Network)
  • 1923 Harry Reasoner, Dakota City, Iowa, journalist (for ABC and CBS news, founder of 60 Minutes)
  • 1963 Joel Murray, Wilmette, Illinois, actor (Grand, Scrooged, Mad Men, Pacific Station, Love & War, Dharma & Greg, Still Standing, Shrink)
  • 1964 Lela Rochon, Los Angeles, California, actress (Harlem Nights, Boomerang, Waiting to Exhale, The Big Hit)
  • 1972 Jennifer Garner, Houston, Texas, actress (Alias, Pearl Harbor, Daredeveil, Juno, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Dallas Buyers Club, Wakefield)
  • 1980 Nicholas D’Agosto, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (Cold Case, Heroes, Final Destination 5, Gotham, Trial & Error)

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Without some goal and some effort to reach it, no one can live. – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1905 The Supreme Court of the United States decides Lochner v. New York which holds that the “right to free contract” is implicit in the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution.
  • 1907 The Ellis Island immigration center processes 11,747 people, more than on any other day.
  • 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion: A group of CIA financed and trained Cuban exiles lands at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba with the aim of ousting Fidel Castro.
  • 1964 Jerrie Mock becomes the first woman to circumnavigate the world by air.
  • 1970 Apollo program: The ill-fated Apollo 13 spacecraft returns to Earth safely.
  • 2013 An explosion at a fertilizer plant in the city of West, Texas, kills 15 people and injures 160 others.

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Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, “What was that about?”

The dog first dog says, “Oh, just checking my messages.”

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DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of endless entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.

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ONE-LINERS: Top Ten Funny, Silly and Downright Inconsiderate Names.
1. Carrie Oakey – karaoke
2. Terry Bill – Will’s friend from Portchester, England
3. Barb Dwyer – barbed wire
4. Stan Still – Sergeant-Major: ‘Stand still you ‘orrible little man.’
5. Annette Kirton – a net curtain
6. Theresa Green or Brown
7. Justin Case
8. Norman Knight – a friend of Will and Guy’s.
9. Rick O’Shea – as in “ricochet” of a bullet
10.Seymour Legg – see more leg……………….

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Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I was visiting France, and while in Paris I took a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor. So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes I could hear him calling up the bell tower: “Quasimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!”

When the guide returned, he apologized again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: “Don’t worry about it. It’s just … the Lunchpack of Notre Dame.”

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HEALTH MESSAGE
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so. It’s the tortoise life for me!
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SIGNS YOU’VE GONE TO A BAD CAR MECHANIC
By Dave Tippett

10. Tells you his Uncle Jed and Mr. Drysdale encouraged him to try car fixin’

9. Analyzes car problem by shaking bag of chicken bones at the engine

8. Guys from “60 Minutes” setting up for a shoot in the waiting room

7. Better Business Bureau has branch inside their shop to save time

6. After 10 punches on card, you get a free tour of their cabin cruiser

5. All shop employees have that fuzzy face blotting thingy seen on investigative TV shows

4. Their motto: “Shop the Competition and We’ll Break your Face”

3. “Crabby,” the lovable service bay puppet, explains your bill

2. Estimates given via Magic 8 ball…answer is always ‘Signs point to yes…you need a new transmission’

1. Lube, filter, and Oil of Olay

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Accountant: “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
Doctor: “Have you tried counting sheep?”
Accountant: “Yes, and that’s the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!”
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In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to combine any two celebrities’ overlapping names to create a new one. Some of our favorite entries:

Mr. T.S. Eliot: “I pity the fool, wanderin’ around half-deserted streets, walkin’ on beaches, talkin’ about peaches, mournin’ his lost manhood. I pity the fool.”

Ponce de Leon Spinks: Boxer who searched in vain for the Fountain of Tooth.

Fat Albert Einstein: “Hey{+3}.”

Marion Barry Bonds: “The pitch set me up!”

Al Frankenstein’s Monster: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, gosh darn it, I’m a big fat idiot.”

Dean Martin Luther King: “I have a drink!”

Mullah Omartha Stewart: Currently hiding in a tastefully decorated cave.

Auntie Eminem: “Dorothy, git down in the cella/Cuz I ain’t no Rockefella/I cain’t take no persecutions/From you or them Lilliputians”

Benedict Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I’ll be backstabbing”.

Babe Ruth Westheimer: A noted expert on getting past third base.

Mr. Bill Clinton: “Oh noooo. It’s special prosecutor Sluggo!”

Dirty Harry Potter: “Go ahead, Draco. Make my fortnight.”

Oscar the Groucho Marx: Starred in “Rubber Duckie Soup.”

Punxsutawney Phil Jackson: Returns every winter, often bringing bad luck to others.

Pollyanna Karen-ina: Cheerfully threw herself under a train.

George W. Somerset Maugham: “Of Human Bombage”.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How much blood is contained in the average body? Your body has about 6 quarts of blood (5.6 liters). This blood circulates through the body three times every minute.

~Where did the Constitution reside during WWII? During World War II, the original copies of the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence were taken from the Library of Congress and kept at Fort Knox, Kentucky.

~Where is the official time ball? The official time ball for the U.S. is on top of the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C. As early as 1845, the U.S. Navy dropped a time ball every day at noon from atop a building on a hill overlooking Washington, D.C. People from many miles away could set their watches at noon. Ships anchored in the Potomac River could check their chronometers.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is a self-made man and worships his creator – John Bright
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. – Confucius

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