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April 18th

The test we must set for ourselves is not to march alone but to march in such a way that others wish to join us. – Hubert Humphrey


TODAY – APRIL 18th

108th day of the year (109th in leap years) with 257 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day For Monuments and Sites
~ International Jugglers Day
~ National Animal Crackers Day
~ National Newspaper Columnists Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1905 George H. Hitchings, Hoquiam, Washington, scientist (chemotherapy)
  • 1922 Barbara Hale, DeKalb, Illinois, actress (Perry Mason)
  • 1925 Bob Hastings, Brooklyn, New York, actor (McHale’s Navy, All in the Family)
  • 1940 Joseph L. Goldstein, Kingstree, South Carolina, scientist (pioneer in the study of cholesterol metabolism)
  • 1946 Hayley Mills, London, England, actress (Parent Trap, Pollyanna, Wild at Heart)
  • 1953 Rick Moranis, Canada, (SCTV, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Spaceballs, GhostBusters)
  • 1956 Eric Roberts, Biloxi, Mississippi, actor (Less Than Perfect, Heroes, Lost Girl)
  • 1963 Conan O’Brien, Brookline, Maine, TV host (Late Night, The LEGO Batman Movie)
  • 1971 Russell Payne, England, author (Morris Telford – A Salopian Odyssey, Marlowe Bidforth’s Backpack Adventure )
  • 1976 Melissa Joan Hart, Sayville, New York, actress (Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Melissa & Joey)
  • 1984 America Georgine Ferrera, Los Angeles, California, actress (Ugly Betty, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, voice of Astrid in How To Train Your Dragon, Superstore)
  • 1989 Alia Shawkat, Riverside, California, actress (Arrested Development, Green Room)
  • 1994 Moises Arias, New York City, actor (Hannah Montana, Moises Rules, Despicable Me 2, Ender’s Game)

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It isn’t what the book costs. It’s what it will cost you if you don’t read it. – Jim Rohn
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1783 Fighting ceases in the American Revolution, eight years to the day since it began.
  • 1906 The 1906 San Francisco earthquake and fire destroys much of San Francisco, California.
  • 1909 Joan of Arc is beatified in Rome (declared a saint).
  • 1912 The Cunard liner RMS Carpathia brings 705 survivors from the RMS Titanic to New York City.
  • 1924 Simon & Schuster publish the first crossword puzzle book.
  • 1936 The first Champions Day is celebrated in Detroit, Michigan.
  • 1930 BBC Radio announces that there is no news on that day.
  • 1958 A United States federal court rules that poet Ezra Pound is to be released from an insane asylum.
  • 1963 Dr. James Campbell performed the 1st human nerve transplant.
  • 2005 Adobe Systems announced an agreement to acquire Macromedia.
  • 2007 The Supreme Court of the United States upholds the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act in a 5-4 decision.
  • 2014 Sixteen people are killed in an avalanche on Mount Everest.

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As a public service to our American-based subscribers who have yet to complete their taxes (uh, they were due the 15th!), I’m providing the following IRS form, at their request:

NEW AND IMPROVED IRS FORM 1040-2EZ
(Tax Year 2018)
Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Social Security Number:___-__-____

1. How much money did you make in 2018?
$_____________

2. Send it to us:
Internal Revenue Service Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN
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In the Galactic Ads: Sith Lord Wanted

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master’s planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com.

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Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG ™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

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ONE-LINERS: 12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
~ I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
~ I will eat breakfast without using one hand typing.
~ I will get dressed before noon.
~ I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
~ I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
~ I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
~ I will read a book… if I still remember how.
~ I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
~ I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
~ I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
~ Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime… and the Web will always be there tomorrow.

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Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word ‘manyana’. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means “maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?”

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

“No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency,” replied Brennan.
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Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: “Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?”

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, “Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny.”

The little girl looked at her in amazement, “How do you get to ALL of those houses???”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

~Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

~A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

~What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk.

~What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

~A backwards poet writes inverse.

~In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.

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Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.
I said I didn’t know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.
“5,372,” came the prompt reply.
“Oh,” I said. “Why did you stop there?”
“The sermon was over.”

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One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, “No, but I appreciate you asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate you saying no.”
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There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to die!”

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!”

The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.”

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!? We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”

The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is the name of April’s full moon? It is called the Full Pink Moon, heralding the appearance of the “moss pink,” or wild ground phlox—one of the early spring flowers.

Other names include the Sprouting Grass Moon, the Egg Moon, and the Fish Moon.

~ When did locusts terrorize the midwest? From 1874-1877, residents of Kansas, Missouri, Minnesota, Iowa, the Dakotas, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana waged a losing battle against clouds of Rocky Mountain Locusts, which sometimes exceeded areas twice the size of Texas.

~ Can people see as well as owls? We think we cannot see at night. But given enough time to adjust, the human eye can, for a time, see almost as well as an owl’s. Ultimately, as the amount of light decreases, an owl detects shapes after a human no longer can.

~ Where you bathe in yak’s milk? Water is so scarce in the arid regions of China that, in the grasslands, the people never take baths, and sometimes must wash their faces in yak’s milk.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You can have everything in life that you want if you will just help enough other people to get what they want. – Zig Ziglar

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