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April 29th

Don’t be yourself – be someone a little nicer. – Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966


TODAY – APRIL 29th

119th day of the year (120th in leap years) with 246 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Dance Day
~ National Peace Rose Day
~ National Shrimp Scampi Day
~ National Zipper Day
~ Day of Remembrance for all Victims of Chemical Warfare (United Nations)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1863 William Randolph Hearst, Danish American, publisher (San Francisco Examiner, Seattle P-I)
  • 1899 Duke Ellington, Washington, D.C., bandleader (Take the A Train, It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing))
  • 1908 Jack Williamson, Bisbee, Arizona, sci-fi author (Dean of Science-Fiction; Firechild, Golden Blood)
  • 1933 Rod [Marvin] McKuen, Oakland, California, singer/composer (Alone, Beatsville)
  • 1935 Otis Rush, Philadelphia, Mississippi, blues musician (Gambler’s Blues, All Your Love (I Miss Loving), Double Trouble)
  • 1947 Tommy James, Dayton, Ohio, singer / musician (Tommy James and the Shondells / Sweet Cherry Wine)
  • 1951 Dale Earnhardt, Kannapolis NC, NASCAR driver/”The Intimidator” (won 76 Winston Cup races, including one Daytona 500 in 1998; also won 7 NASCAR Winston Cup championships)
  • 1954 Jerry Seinfeld, New York City, NY, comedian/actor (Seinfeld)
  • 1955 Kate Mulgrew, Dubuque, Iowa, actress (Captain Kathryn Janeway, Star Trek Voyager; Ryan’s Hope; Mrs. Columbo; Remo Williams, Orange is the new Black)
  • 1955 Leslie Jordan, Chattanooga, Tennessee, actor (Sordid Lives, Bodies of Evidence, Reasonable Doubts, Hearts Afire, Will & Grace, Fear Inc.)
  • 1958 Eve Plumb, Burbank, California, actress (Jan Brady on The Brady Bunch; The Bridge Fell Down, Yesterday Today, Manfast, Grease Live!)
  • 1958 Michelle Pfeiffer, Santa Ana CA, actress (Scarface, What Lies Beneath, Up Close & Personal, Ladyhawke, Married to the Mob, Grease 2, The Wizard of Lies)
  • 1960 Robert J. Sawyer, born in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, author (Golden Fleece, Far-Seer, The Terminal Experiment, End of Era, Starplex, Flashforward, Wake, Triggers, Red Planet Blues, Quantum Night)
  • 1969 Paul Adelstein, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Prison Break, Private Practice, Scandal, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce)
  • 1970 Andre Agassi, Las Vegas, Nevada, tennis pro (1996 Olympic gold, 8x Grand Slam champion, Won 17 ATP Masters Series tournaments, more than any other player. TENNIS Magazine has named him the 7th greatest male player from 1965 through 2005, cited as one of the most charismatic players in the history of tennis)
  • 1970 Uma Thurman, Boston MA, actress (Baron Munchausen, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, Dangerous Liaisons, The Brits Are Coming)
  • 1984 Taylor Cole, Arlington, Texas, actress (Summerland, CSI: Miami, The Event, The Glades, The Ganzfeld Haunting)

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Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.  – Josh Billings
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1429 Joan of Arc leads Orleans France, to victory over English.
  • 1770 James Cook first lands at Kumell, and named the harbour Botany Bay because of the great quantity of plants they discovered.
  • 1852 1st edition of Peter Roget’s Thesaurus published.
  • 1861 Maryland’s House of Delegates voted to secede from the Union during the Civil War.
  • 1862 New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut during the Civil War.
  • 1879 Electric arc lamps first used in the U.S. at Cleveland, Ohio.
  • 1945 The German army in Italy unconditionally surrendered to the Allies during World War II.
  • 1945 Adolf Hitler marries Eva Braun in a Berlin bunker.
  • 1945 United States troops liberated the Dachau concentration camp.
  • 1953 First U.S. three-dimensional television telecast was made by KECA-TV in Los Angeles, California.
  • 1961 ABC’s “Wide World of Sports” debut.
  • 1968 The controversial musical Hair opened on Broadway.
  • 1992 Jury acquits Los Angeles police officers of beating Rodney King, riots begin.
  • 1997 First-ever Russo-American space walk completed by U.S. astronaut Jerry M. Linenger and Russian cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev, a five-hour excursion from the Russian space station Mir.
  • 1998 Brazil agreed to set aside about 25 million ha (62 million ac) of the Amazon rain forest for conservation.
  • 2004 Oldsmobile builds its final car ending 107 years of production.
  • 2011 Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and Kate Middleton, are married.

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I don’t see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me.

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it “Housework.”

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”

6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly…..

7. Feel better?

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About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, “Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.”
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ONE-LINERS: Random Thoughts. . .

~ Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

~ Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

~ On the other hand, you have different fingers

~ Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector

~ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

~ Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

~ Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

~ Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy

~ Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

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Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.
Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “Print” command.

The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.
The topic?
“Save Our Trees.”
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A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer.
The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: “They don’t serve BEER here, you moron!”, to which the German replied in astonishment, “You mean you’re here for the food?”
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pic of the day: Moray Eel at Aquarium by the Bay in San Francisco

moray eel in aquarium
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Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly gates: “For Service Ring Bell.”

Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. A little annoyed, Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes back; again, no one’s there.
“Okay, that’s it,” Peter says. “I’m going to hide and watch to see what’s going on.” So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?”
“Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

“Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” Peter asks.
“I can’t help it — they keep resuscitating me!” he replies.
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Redneck Eulogy

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
“Hey, y’all … Watch this!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An extraordinarily attractive young woman was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective.

After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor’s office for another one. The receptionist announced the arrival of the returning patient to the doctor: “It’s the super gal with fragile lips expecting extra doses.”

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A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”
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World’s Thinnest Books

~ America’s Most Popular Lawyers
~ Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
~ How to Get to The Super Bowl – by Dan Marino

~ Things I Can’t Afford – by Bill Gates
~ My Plan to Find the Real Killers – by O. J. Simpson
~ Things I Would Not Do for Money – by Dennis Rodman

~ The Wild Years – by Al Gore
~ Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
~ Detroit – a Travel Guide
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Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left?
Pupil: 10

Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?
Pupil: Still 10 muffins… and 1 injured friend.
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Statistician’s Answering Machine
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I’m probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn’t end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I’m still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I’ll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Are dachshunds good for hunting? Dachshunds are the smallest breed of dog used for hunting. They are low to the ground, which allows them to enter and maneuver through tunnels easily.

~ Why did Houdini learn to drive?
In 1910, magician Harry Houdini purchased a Voisin biplane in Germany. He had the plane dismantled and shipped to Australia, where he planned an extended tour. His plane was the first flown in Australia, and he was the first to pilot a plane there. Interestingly, he taught himself how to drive a car during that time, so that he could get out to the airfield. After his Australian tour, Houdini abandoned the plane and coincidentally, also never drove again.

~ How much does an elephant’s skeleton weigh?
The massive skeleton of the African elephant accounts for about 15 percent of the body weight, just as in a man of slender build; however, the elephant’s skeleton supports as much as four tons per leg, and is thus stressed close to the physical limit for bone. To keep from damaging its skeleton, an African elephant has to move sedately, never jumping or running. The “charge” of these animals is a fast walk on long legs, at about 15 miles per hour.

~ Which poisonous snake is the largest?
A King Cobra is the biggest of all poisonous snakes and can grow to over 13 feet long. A bite from a King Cobra can kill an elephant in 4 hours.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ – Joe Namath

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up. – Albert Schweitzer

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