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April 3rd

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. – ­Plato


TODAY – APRIL 3rd

93rd day of the year (94th in leap years) with 272 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day
~ National Chocolate Mousse Day
~ National Film Score Day
~ National Find A Rainbow Day
~ National Tweed Day
~ World Party Day
~ National Lawn and Garden Month
~ National Records and Information Management Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1783 Washington Irving, New York, New York, author (Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Rip Van Winkle)
  • 1822 Edward Everett Hale, Boston, Massachusetts, author (The Man Without A Country, The Brick Moon, Ten Times One is Ten)
  • 1885 Bud Fisher, Chicago, Illinois, cartoonist (created Mutt and Jeff, first successful daily comic strip in U.S.)
  • 1893 Leslie Howard, English actor (Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind, Berkeley Square, Of Human Bondage, The Scarlet Pimpernel)
  • 1907 Iron Eyes Cody, Kaplan, Louisiana, actor (The big Trail, Sitting Bull, Nevada Smith, A Man Called Horse, Ernest Goes to Camp; Keep America Beautiful ad in earl 1970s)
  • 1924 Doris Day, Cincinnati, Ohio, actress, singer and animal rights activist (Sentimental Journey, Embraceable You, Secret Love; Romance on the High Seas, On Moonlight Bay, Tea for Two, Calamity Jane)
  • 1924 Marlon Brando, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, Mutiny on the Bounty, The Godfather)
  • 1926 Gus Grissom, Mitchell, Indiana, American astronaut (2nd American to fly in space/ Mercury-Redstone 4, Gemini 3 & Apollo 1 missions)
  • 1928 Kevin Hagen, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Yancy Derringer, Shenandoah, Doc Baker on Little House on the Prairie)
  • 1934 Jane Goodall, English zoologist (world’s foremost expert on chimpanzees)
  • 1942 Marsha Mason, St. Louis, Missouri, actress (Cinderella Liberty, The Goodbye Girl, Chapter Two, Only When I Laugh, Heartbreak Ridge)
  • 1942 Wayne Newton, Norfolk, Virginia, singer and actor (Mr. Las Vegas / Licence to Kill, Ocean’s Eleven)
  • 1944 Tony Orlando, New York City, musician (Tony Orlando and Dawn )
  • 1958 Alec Baldwin, Long Island, New York, actor (The Aviator, The Departed)
  • 1959 David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs, New York, actor (Dr. Niles Crane on Frasier, voice of Abe Sapien on Hellboy)
  • 1961 Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (48 Hrs, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, The Nutty Professor, Dreamgirls, Donkey in Shrek series, dragon Mushu in Disney’s Mulan)
  • 1971 Picabo Street, Triumph, Idaho, alpine ski racer (gold in 1998 Winter Olympics, 1996 World Championships, World Cup Downhill titles in 1995 & 1996; Dancing with the Stars 2008)
  • 1972 Leigh-Allyn Baker, Murray, Kentucky, actress (Will & Grace, Good Luck Charlie, The 7D)

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Every human being has a work to carry on within, duties to perform abroad, influence to exert, which are peculiarly his, and which no conscience but his own can teach. – William Ellery Channing
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1882 American Old West: Jesse James is killed by Robert Ford.
  • 1885 Gottlieb Daimler is granted a German patent for his engine design.
  • 1936 Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.
  • 1948 President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.
  • 1968 Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” speech.
  • 1973 Martin Cooper of Motorola made the first handheld mobile phone call to Joel S. Engel of Bell Labs, though it took ten years for the DynaTAC 8000X to become the first such phone to be commercially released.
  • 1974 The Super Outbreak occurs, the biggest tornado outbreak in recorded history. The death toll is 315, with nearly 5,500 injured.
  • 1975 Bobby Fischer refuses to play in a chess match against Anatoly Karpov, giving Karpov the title of World Champion by default.
  • 1981 The Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.
  • 1996 Suspected “Unabomber” Theodore Kaczynski is arrested at his cabin in Montana, United States.
  • 2000 United States v. Microsoft: Microsoft is ruled to have violated United States antitrust laws by keeping “an oppressive thumb” on its competitors.
  • 2007 Conventional-Train World Speed Record: a French TGV train on the LGV Est high speed line sets an official new world speed record.
  • 2010 Apple Inc. released the first generation iPad, a tablet computer.

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Customer to clerk in a furniture store: “I’m interested in a bookcase.”

“Yes sir. We have several sizes and finishes. There’s the standard case, the library case, the modern case, the video case and the lawyer case.”

“Why do they call it the lawyer case?”
“If you look carefully, you’ll notice that they’re made just a little crooked.”
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One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman Pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant. I escort the patient into the doctor’s office.

But before taking this dog’s leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner,”Is she friendly?”

“Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”
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ONE-LINERS:

~ I distinctly remember forgetting that.
~ If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?
~ I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

~ Success is not access to excess.
~ I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.
~ The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that’s not the way the law sees it.

~ Great minds think like ME.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, try playing second base.
~ Two rules of success in life: 1. Don’t tell people everything you know.

~ Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.
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One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
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“Do you sing in the shower?”

“Yes, I sing a lot. Sometimes I use my voice just to kill time.”

“You certainly have a fine weapon.”
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cartoon of the day: Bowtox


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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”

They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament:

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
“To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

“To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
“And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
~ We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
~ Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

~ After winter, the trees are relieved.
~ When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

~ A young Puritan man asked an elder to teach him proper manners. On the Sabbath he was about to plow into church ahead of his elder, the elder pulled him back. The elder started to say something but then noticed a lady approaching the church. He stood back to allow the lady to enter.
The the elder summarized for the young man: “Remember, it is I before thee, except after she.”
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“I’m never late with an alimony payment.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m afraid that if I fall behind in my payments she might repossess me.”

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
“That’s Strange!”
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A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it…

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

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After a Sunday service, the priest ran out of petrol on his way home. Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away. Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers. The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol. After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot. Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said: ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine’ but I think you’re pushing your luck with that chamber pot’.

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TODAY’S TRIVIA: Who was the first Pope to be murdered?
John VIII (died 882) was the first Pope to be murdered – he was poisoned and then clubbed to death.

~ How long have knights been rescuing damsels from dragons?
The original story of a knight rescuing a damsel in distress from the clutches of a marauding dragon came in the tale of Saint George. He was a Roman Calvary officer that rode to the aid of a town in Cappadocia. The people their had been plagued by a dragon and sacrificed their best sheep to try and appease it, failing they offered up a village virgin.

~ How did Henry become the sovereign of Ireland?
Pope Alexander III declared Henry II to be the rightful sovereign of Ireland in 1172. It took seven and a half centuries for the Irish to regain their freedom.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them. – Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough. – ­Oprah Winfrey

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