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April 7th

Instead of giving myself reasons why I can’t, I give myself reasons why I can.


TODAY – APRIL 7th

97th day of the year (98th in leap years) with 268 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Beer Day
~ National Coffee Cake Day
~ National Girl, Me Too Day
~ National No Housework Day
~ World Health Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1770 William Wordsworth, England, poet laureate (Lucy Gray, The Prelude)
  • 1859 Walter Camp, New Britain, Connecticut, father of American football (Yale)
  • 1860 W K Kellogg, Battle Creek, Michigan, cereal manufacturer (co-pioneer of process to make flaked cereal)
  • 1869 David Grandison Fairchild, Lansing, Michigan, botanist/explorer (brought more than 200,000 plants to U.S., including dates, mangos, nectarines, soybeans, pistachios and new varieties of wheat, cotton and rice)
  • 1897 Walter Winchell, NYC, broadcaster and journalist (invented the gossip column)
  • 1915 Billie Holiday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, jazz singer (Ain’t Nobody’s Business)
  • 1915 Henry Kuttner, Los Angeles, California, sci-fi author (Dark World, As You Were, Startling Worlds of Henry Kuttner)
  • 1928 James Garner, Norman, Oklahoma, actor (Rockford Files, Bret Maverick, Space Cowboys, 8 Simple Rules)
  • 1928 James White, Northern Irish sci-fi author (Star Surgeon, Star Healer)
  • 1933 Wayne Rogers, Birmingham, Alabama, actor (‘Trapper John’ McIntyre/M*A*S*H; House Calls, Cashin’ In)
  • 1939 David Frost, England, TV host (That Was the Week That Was)
  • 1954 Jackie Chan, Hong Kong martial art actor (Rumble in the Bronx. Heart of Dragon, Police Story, Rush Hour, The Karate Kid (2010), Karate Kid 2, Kung Fu Panda 1-3, The Forbidden Kingdom, Shaolin, Dragon Blade)
  • 1954 Tony Dorsett, Rochester, Pennsylvania, NFL running back (Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Heisman Trophy)
  • 1964 Russell Crowe, New Zealand actor (Gladiator, 3:10 to Yuma, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind, Noah, Fathers and Daughters)
  • 1986 Brooke Brodack, Putnam, Connecticut, viral video comedian/1st YouTube Celebrity (1st real YouTube star)

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He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed. – William James
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1788 First settlement in Ohio, at Marietta.
  • 1798 Territory of Mississippi is organized from territory ceded by Georgia and South Carolina and is later twice expanded to include disputed territory claimed by both the U.S. and Spain.
  • 1827 John Walker, an English chemist, sells the first friction match. He had invented it in the previous year.
  • 1874 A “cotton cultivator” was patented by its black American inventor, E.H. Sutton, (No. 149,543).
  • 1906 Mount Vesuvius erupts and devastates Naples.
  • 1923 First brain tumor operation under local anesthetic performed (Beth Israel Hospital in NYC) by Dr K Winfield Ney.
  • 1927 First distance public television broadcast (from Washington, D.C. to New York City, displaying the image of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover).
  • 1948 World Health Organization established by UN.
  • 1959 First atomic generated electricity was produced at Los Alamos Scientific Laboratory, New Mexico. The experimental model used a “plasma thermocouple” in the reactor instead of a fullscale turbine, and produced merely enough electrical power for a light bulb.
  • 1969 Internet’s symbolic birth date: publication of RFC 1, part of the seminal ARPANET project.
  • 1983 During STS-6, astronauts Story Musgrave and Don Peterson perform the first space shuttle spacewalk.
  • 2001 Mars Odyssey is launched.

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An airhead was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. “Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?”

The airhead turns around and says, “Yeah right! I’m not giving up this machine while I’m still winning!”

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DURING WORLD WAR II, I was sent to the U.S. Navy’s training and distribution center in Shoemaker, Calif., where we awaited assignment to the South Pacific theater. The sleeping conditions were less than perfect. In fact, the bunks were infested with bedbugs.
These little creatures appeared after lights out, and they provoked much cursing and slapping at the blankets. One night, a man who had barely met the military’s minimum height and weight requirements cried out, “Put me down!” – William M. Daniel
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ONE-LINERS: Idiot Jokes

– Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

– Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

– A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

– Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!

– A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

– It’s better to let someone think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it

– Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

– Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

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There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”
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PIC OF THE DAY: Chick on African Violet

chick on African Violet plant
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There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”.

The atheist yells back, “There is no God”.

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord”.

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!!!”.

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God”.

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!”
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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.

“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.

“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Male deer have buck teeth.
~ He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

~ Don’t join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
~ A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

~ When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
~ A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
~ Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.~A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
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GOLDEN OLDIE… Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

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GOLDEN OLDIE #2… One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and — shock — he hadn’t bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was ‘now or never’, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he’d like, he simply says: “a Barbie Doll”.
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, “So Sir, which Barbie would that be?”
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, “We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99.”
The man can’t help himself and asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???”
“Well Sir, that’s quite obvious!” says the assistant,
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture ….
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Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”
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Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?”

“No,” the second guy says.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says.

“Oh,” says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?”

“See what?” the second guy asks.

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”

“Oh.”

A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”

And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

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TODAY’S TRIVIA: Does catnip affect all felines?
Pretty much — Catnip can affect lions and tigers as well as house cats. It excites them because it contains a chemical that resembles an excretion of the dominant female’s urine.

~ Why did Victorian turkeys wear boots?
In Victorian England, turkeys were popular for Christmas dinners. Some of the birds were raised in Norfolk, and taken to market in London. To get them to London, the turkeys were supplied with boots made of sacking or leather. The turkeys were walked to market. The boots protected their feet from the frozen mud of the road. Boots were not used for geese: instead, their feet were protected with a covering of tar.

~ How many states does the Empire State Building overlook?
On a clear day, you can see five states from atop the Empire State Building in New York City: New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania.

~ Did Batman lead to Taxman?
According to Beatles producer George Martin, Neal Hefti’s catchy composition of the 1960s “Batman” Emmy-winning theme song inspired George Harrison to write the hit song “Taxman.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Sometimes I think I understand everything – but then I regain consciousness.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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