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August 11th

An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded. – Pope John Paul I


TODAY – AUGUST 11th

223rd day of the year (224th in leap years) with 142 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Global Kinetic Sand™ Day
~ National Panini Day
~ National Presidential Joke Day
~ National Raspberry Bombe Day
~ National Son’s and Daughter’s Day
~ Play in the Sand Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1673 Richard Mead, English physician (Known for epidemiology)
  • 1865 Gifford Pinchot, Simsbury, Connecticut, forester (first chief of U.S. Forest Service and popularized conservation of natural resources), 28th Governor of Pennsylvania
  • 1897 Louise Bogan, Livermore Falls, Maine, poet (published in the The New Republic, The Nation, Poetry: A Magazine of Verse, Scribner’s and Atlantic Monthly)
  • 1897 Enid Blyton, English author (The Secret Series)
  • 1900 Philip Phillips, American archaeologist (Archaeological Survey in the Lower Yazoo Basin, Mississippi )
  • 1913 Bob Scheffing, Overland, Missouri, professional baseball player and manager (Chicago Cubs 1957–1959)
  • 1920 Chuck Rayner, Sutherland, SK, Canada, ice hockey player (1941–1953 New York Rangers)
  • 1921 Alex Haley, Ithaca, New York, author (Roots)
  • 1944 Ian McDiarmid, Scottish actor (Palpatine in Star Wars, 37 Days, Utopia)
  • 1946 Marilyn Vos Savant, St Louis, Missouri, writer/world’s highest IQ (Guinness Book of World Records)
  • 1950 Steve Wozniak, San Jose, California, computer pioneer (co-founded Apple Computer)
  • 1953 Hulk Hogan [Terry Bollea], Augusta, Georgia, WWF heavyweight champion (1984-89); actor (Mr. Nanny, Hogan Knows Best, Rocky III)
  • 1956 Pierre-Louis Lions, French mathematician (Nonlinear partial differential equations)
  • 1962 Brian Azzarello, Cleveland, Ohio, author (100 Bullets, Before Watchmen, Wonder Woman)
  • 1965 Viola Davis, St. Matthews, South Carolina, actress (Traffic, Solaris, The Help, How to Get Away with Murder, Ender’s Game, Suicide Squad)
  • 1968 Anna Gunn, Santa Fe, New Mexico, actress (The Practice, Deadwood, Breaking Bad, Equity)
  • 1974 Chris Messina, Northport, New York, actor (Damages, Argo, The Mindy Project, The Sweet Life)
  • 1993 Alyson Stoner, Toledo, Ohio, actress, model, singer and dancer (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, That’s So Raven, Summer Forever)

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The human mind is like an umbrella – it functions best when open. – Walter Gropius

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1877 Two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, discovered by Asaph Hall.
  • 1896 First electric light bulb socket featuring an on-and-off pull chain was patented by Harvey Hubbell of Bridgeport, Connecticut.
  • 1898 Spanish-American War: American troops enter the city of Mayagüez, Puerto Rico.
  • 1903 First U.S. patent for instant coffee was issued to Satori Kato of Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1918 World War I: the Battle of Amiens ends.
  • 1919 The constitution of the Weimar Republic is adopted.
  • 1929 Babe Ruth first baseball player to hit 500 home runs.
  • 1934 Federal prison opened at Alcatraz Island.
  • 1942 Actress Hedy Lamarr and composer George Antheil receive a patent for a frequency hopping, spread spectrum communication system that later became the basis for modern technologies in wireless telephones and Wi-Fi.
  • 1952 Hussein is proclaimed King of Jordan.
  • 1972 Last US ground combat unit departs South Vietnam.
  • 1999 The Salt Lake City Tornado tears through the downtown district of the city, killing one.
  • 1999 Last total eclipse of the millennium occurred, traveling across many populated areas, making it perhaps the most-watched eclipse of all time, seen by up to 350 million people.
  • 2003 NATO takes over command of the peacekeeping force in Afghanistan, marking its first major operation outside Europe in its 54-year-history.
  • 2015 For the first time in Major League Baseball history, all 15 home teams won their game. Prior to this happening, the record was 12 which was reached over a century ago in 1914.

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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the crazy people I put there.”

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He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical ‘dihydrogen monoxide.’

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, ‘How Gullible Are We?’
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

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ONE-LINERS: ** Ten Laws of Computing **

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it’s downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. ”Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. ”I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-LazyY.”

”But, where are all your cattle?”

”None have survived the branding.”
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Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills.
One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”
She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”
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Play in the sand day...

Little girl at beach
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A woman was driving down the street and got stopped by a police officer.

“May I see your driver’s license?” he said.

She looked at him with disgust.

“What’s the matter with you guys? I wish you’d make up your minds. You took my license from me yesterday.”
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

“What was all that about?”

He replied,

“Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

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I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night. I asked my son-in-law if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”

He was right! That stupid fly never knew what hit it!!

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Given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

Change all U’s to V’s (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

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Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.
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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

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Dreaded Words from Tech Support

– Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

– …that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.

– Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.

– Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.

– We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.

– I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

– In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

– Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What constitutes ‘regular’ coffee? When ordering coffee on U.S. flights, for the East Coast, “regular” is with milk and sugar; on the West Coast, “regular” coffee is black.

~ What is Global Kinetic Sand™ Day about?
This day is to “to share the magic of the squeezable sand that never dries out.” Kinetic sand is regular sand that’s been coated with silicone oil. This makes the sand stick together, but the silicone-oil-coated sand particles stick only to each other, not to other surfaces so it is easy to clean up.

~ When were pennies first minted?
The U.S. Mint was authorized to produce one-cent copper coins on April 2, 1792. Originally, there were four designs struck: the “chain” cent, the “wreathed” cent, the “flowing hair” cent, and the “liberty” cent.

~Who was dying to get on Cavett’s talk show?
J. I. Rodale was the creator of the popular health magazine called Prevention. In 1971 at the age of 72, he appeared on the Dick Cavett show, where he boasted in front of cameras that doctors had given him only six months to live 30 years ago. Because of his healthy lifestyle espoused in his magazine, he was sure he’d live to be 100. Later in the show it appeared as if he had fallen asleep on the set, and Cavett chuckled about it, until he realized the man was dead. The show never aired.

~What family does a marmot belong to? 
The groundhog is a member of the rodent family. The typical adult groundhog can weigh approximately 8 to 14 pounds and average about 22 inches in length. Groundhogs are also known as “woodchucks,” “whistle pigs,” and “marmots.”

~ What was Kirk’s ship’s original name?
The name of the U.S.S. Enterprise in the original draft for the Star Trek TV series was the U.S.S. Yorktowne.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.” – Kin Hubbard

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself. – George Bernard Shaw

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