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August 14th

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. – Erica Jong


TODAY – AUGUST 14th

226th day of the year (227th in leap years) with 139 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Creamsicle Day
~ V-J Day
~ National Confetti Cake Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1851 Doc Holiday, Griffin, Georgia, dentist, gambler & gunfighter (friend of Wyatt Earp; Gunfight at the O.K. Corral)
  • 1912 Frank Oppenheimer, NYC, New York, physicist (research in nuclear physics during time of Manhattan Project)
  • 1945 Steve Martin, Waco, Texas, actor and comedian (Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour)
  • 1946 Susan Saint James, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Name of the Game, McMillian & Wife, Kate & Allie)
  • 1947 Danielle Steel, NYC, New York, author (Full Circle, Zoya, Jewels, Mixed Blessings, The Wedding, The Kiss, Answered Prayers, The House)
  • 1950 Gary Larson, Tacoma, Washington, cartoonist (The Far Side)
  • 1959 Marcia Gay Harden, La Jolla, California, actress (Into the Wild, The Mist, Code Black)
  • 1960 Sarah Brightman, English soprano, actress, songwriter & dancer (range of over 3 octaves)
  • 1966 Halle Berry, Cleveland, Ohio, actress (Introducing Dorothy Dandridge, X-Men, Die Another Day, Catwoman, Extant, Kings)
  • 1968 Catherine Bell, London, England, American actress (JAG, Army Wives, Good Witch)
  • 1969 Tracy Dyson, Arcadia, California, NASA Astronaut & chemist (STS-118, Soyuz TMA-18, Expedition 23/24)

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Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity. – James Thurber
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1842 Second Seminole War ends, with the Seminole Indians forced from Florida to Oklahoma.
  • 1888 An audio recording of English composer Arthur Sullivan’s “The Lost Chord”, one of the first recordings of music ever made, is played during a press conference introducing Thomas Edison’s phonograph in London.
  • 1893 France becomes the first country to introduce motor vehicle registration.
  • 1935 United States Social Security Act passes, creating a government pension system for the retired.
  • 1945 Japan accepts the Allied terms of surrender in World War II and the Emperor records the Imperial Rescript on Surrender (August 15 in Japan Standard Time).
  • 1975 The Rocky Horror Picture Show, the longest-running release in film history, opens in London.
  • 1994 Ilich Ramírez Sánchez, also known as “Carlos the Jackal,” is captured.
  • 2003 Widescale power blackout in the northeast United States and Canada.
  • 2010 The first-ever Youth Olympic Games are held in Singapore.

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Things I’d Like to Hear, Just Once From my auto mechanic:
~ “That part is much less expensive than I thought.”
~ “I’ve never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.”
~ “You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
~ “It was just a loose wire. No charge.”
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A woman out driving with her husband was speeding along at about sixty MPH in a 50 MPH zone. A motorcycle cop appeared alongside and pulled her over. Deciding to cut her a break, the cop said, “I’m going to put you down for fifty-five.”
The woman turned to her husband. “See! I told you this dress makes me look old.”
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ONE-LINERS: ** Rules of Life **

~ Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
~A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
~ After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

~ Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
~ People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
~ If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

~ When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
~ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”
“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
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PIC OF THE DAY: Bourbon Red Turkey Tom and Hen
Bourbon Red Turkeys
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The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.
After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”
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The Judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Sighing, the professor rapidly scanned the English 101 term paper on “Early American Railways” submitted by the class dunce, determined almost at a glance that large portions had been lifted verbatim and without attribution from Samuel Clemens works “The Gilded Age” and “Innocents Abroad.”

He assigned a failing mark to the pathetic fraud, and scrawled in red across the cover sheet, “Come, sir, this is TOO, TOO TWAIN.”
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The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. “Come on, time to get ready for church.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes you do.”

“I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE.”
“No. You can sleep in tomorrow.”

“Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?”
“Well, you’re the pastor.”
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In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang. “Reverse charges call from Jackie,” said the operator. “Will you accept the charges?”
I couldn’t think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the phone.
A moment later, the phone rang again. “Hi, Margaret, it’s Jackie,” said a familiar voice, “your mother-in-law.”
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Business professor: “Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?”
Student: “Tuition!”
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A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral”.

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church”, all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is V-J Day? Victory over Japan Day (also known as V-J Day, Victory in the Pacific Day, or V-P Day) is the day on which Imperial Japan surrendered in World War II, in effect bringing the war to an end. The term has been applied to both of the days on which the initial announcement of Japan’s surrender was made – first the afternoon of August 15, 1945, in Japan, and, because of time zone differences, August 14, 1945 in the United States and the rest of the Americas and Eastern Pacific Islands. The term is also applied to September 2, 1945, when the actual signing of the surrender document occurred, officially ending World War II.

~ Is it true that embalmers sometimes took corpses on tour to attract business? It’s not easy being a salesman when you have no product to show! So, yes, enthusiastic embalmers eager to sell the public on the new art of embalming sometimes liked to take their handiwork on the road. The corpses were exhibited at country fairs and in the windows of barbershops.

~ What do you call a male kangaroo? A male kangaroo is called a boomer, and a female is called a flyer.

~ How many muscles are there in an elephant’s trunk? There are 40,000 muscles and tendons in an elephant’s trunk. This makes it very strong and flexible, allowing an elephant to pluck a delicate flower or lift a huge log. The trunk is used for touching, grasping, sucking, spraying, smelling, and striking.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. – Indira Gandhi

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