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August 22nd

“Everybody is worth your time.You never know. You may have been the last hope that person needed to renew their faith in people or God.” ― Shannon L. Alder


TODAY – AUGUST 22nd

234th day of the year (235th in leap years) with 131 days follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Be an Angel Day
~ National Bao Day
~ Never Bean Better Day
~ National Pecan Torte Day
~ National “Eat a Peach” Day
~ National Surgical Oncologist Day
~ National Tooth Fairy Day (and/or February 28)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1811 William Kelly, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, inventor (converting iron to steel, Kelly & Company)
  • 1834 Samuel Pierpont Langley, Roxbury, Maine, astronomer, physicist, inventor (bolometer), aviation pioneer
  • 1836 Archibald M Willard, Bedford, Ohio, artist (Spirit of ’76)
  • 1920 Dr Denton Cooley, Houston, Texas, heart surgeon (1st artificial heart transplant)
  • 1920 Ray Bradbury, Waukegan, Illinois, sci-fi author (Fahrenheit 451, Illustrated Man)
  • 1940 Valerie Harper, Suffern NY, actress (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Valerie)
  • 1947 Cindy Williams, Van Nuys, California, actress (American Graffiti, Shirley in Laverne & Shirley )
  • 1965 Courtney Gains, Los Angeles, California, actor (Children of the Corn, Hardbodies, Lust in the Dust, Back to the Future, Can’t Buy Me Love, Colors, The ‘Burbs, Memphis Belle, Texas Rising)
  • 1967 Ty Burrell, Grants Pass, Oregon, actor (Modern Family )
  • 1979 Brandon Quintin Adams, Topeka, Kansas, actor (Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot )

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Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education. – Franklin D. Roosevelt
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1831 Nat Turner’s slave rebellion commences just after midnight in Southampton, Virginia, leading to the deaths of more than 50 whites and several hundred African Americans who are killed in retaliation for the uprising.
  • 1848 The United States annexes New Mexico.
  • 1851 The U.S.-built schooner America outran a fleet of Britain’s finest ships around England’s Isle of Wight in an international race that became known as the America’s Cup.
  • 1881 American humanitarians Clara Barton and Adolphus Solomons founded the National Red Cross.
  • 1902 Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile.
  • 1963 American Joe Walker in an X-15 test plane reaches an altitude of 106 km (66 mi).
  • 1986 Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of nuclear industry worker Karen Silkwood more than $1 million, ending a 10-year legal battle waged by her family over her exposure to radioactive materials at the company’s Oklahoma plant.
  • 1989 The first ring of Neptune is discovered.
  • 1989 Nolan Ryan strikes out Rickey Henderson to become the first Major League Baseball pitcher to record 5,000 strikeouts.
  • 1996 Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, representing major shift in US welfare policy.
  • 2007 The Texas Rangers defeat the Baltimore Orioles 30–3, the most runs scored by a team in modern Major League Baseball history.
  • 2011 The Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial in Washington opened to the public. The $120 million memorial, 25 years in the making, is on a four-acre site on the National Mall.

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The Evolution of Grandma

In the dim and distant past,
When life’s tempo wasn’t so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she’s in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She checks the Web and surfs the Net,
Sends some e-mail, makes a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma’s off her rocker.
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My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.
After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate a cell phone?”
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ONE-LINERS: Excuses You Can Use

– The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
– I prefer to remain an enigma.
– My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

– I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
– I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
– I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

– I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
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Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. ”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don’t really think so.”
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In honor of Be An Angel Day:
Be an Angel Day
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The scene is a stationery store. A little boy is pawing through the stock of greeting cards. After a while the clerk asks, “Just what is it you’re looking for? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?”
“No, none of those.”

“Then what kind of card is it that you want?”
“Got anything in the way of blank report cards?”
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The Last Commandment . . .

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, “Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.
The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.
He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.
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More Punniness When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn’t work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give a convicted felon the min- imum prison time possible.When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger, “How can you justify your unwillingness to use the three strikes law.”

Judge Dan answered immediately, “I refuse to pronounce a long sentence because it is beyond my jury’s diction.”
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A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.
“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”
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A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.”

The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
“I’m back!”

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”
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A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, ”Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, ”Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

”Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
”I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

”Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
”I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

”All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
”I can’t do that, officer.”
”Why not?”
”Because I’m drunk.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who hosted the first network kid’s program? Starring Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo was the first TV network kid’s show in the United States. CBS launched it in 1954.

~ Is typing good for you? There are 110 calories per hour consumed during an hour of typing — only 30 more than those used while sleeping.

~ How much can a pencil write? The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured in the U.S. annually. If these were laid end to end, they would circle the earth nine times.

~ What is a Bao? This is a flavorful Chinese dough used to make bāozi, or bao. It’s also stuffed with savory meats or sweets. More than a side dish, bao is a type of sandwich.

~ What is Never Bean Better Day For? This day is to recognize the unconditional love dogs bring to human lives. The observance honors the birth of a special therapy dog, Bean, who eagerly spreads his Bean wuv everywhere he goes.

~ What is a surgical oncologist? The are doctors that help to both diagnose cancer and cure it through surgery.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Sometimes you only get one chance to rewrite the qualities of the character you played in a person’s life story. Always take it. Never let the world read the wrong version of you.” ― Shannon L. Alder

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