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August 5th

The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. — A. A. Milne


TODAY – AUGUST 5th

217th day of the year (218th in leap years) with 148 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Oyster Day
~ National Underwear Day
~ Work Like a Dog Day
~ International Pirate Month
~ National Catfish Month
~ National Eye Exam Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1802 Niels Henrik Abel, Norway, mathematician (proved the impossibility of solving the quintic equation in radicals)
  • 1862 Joseph Merrick, England, sideshow performer called the “Elephant Man” due to his deformities
  • 1866 Carl Harries, Germany, chemist (established experimental procedures for ozonolysis)
  • 1904 Kenneth V. Thimann, English-American plant physiologist (plant physiology; hormones that control the development of plants)
  • 1906 John Huston, Nevada, Missouri, director/writer (African Queen, Chinatown)
  • 1930 Neil Armstrong, Wapakoneta, Ohio, astronaut (first man to walk on the moon (20 July 1969, Apollo 11))
  • 1934 Wendell Berry, Henry County, Kentucky, poet, writer and farmer
  • 1945 Loni Anderson, St. Paul, Minnesota, actress (Jennifer on WKRP in Cincinnati, Partners in Crime, Easy Street, All Dogs Go to Heaven, Nurses, The Mullets, So Notorious, My Sister is So Gay)
  • 1947 France A. Córdova, Paris, France, American astrophysicist (14th Director of the National Science Foundation) and academic (11th President of Purdue University)
  • 1956 Maureen McCormick, Encinco, California, actress (Marcia-Brady Bunch, Outsider’s Inn, Accidentally Engaged)
  • 1960 David Baldacci, Richmond, Virginia, author (Stone Cold, Divine Justice, Zero Day, The Innocent, The Hit, Absolute Power, The Winner, Saving Faith)
  • 1975 Ami Foster, American actress (Punky Brewster, Pound Puppies, Troop Beverly Hills)
  • 1980 Sophie Winkleman, English actress (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Shattered, Love Live Long, Two and a Half Men, Titanic TV series)
  • 1981 Cory Williams, Merced, California, internet celebrity (YouTube Mr. Safety of SMP Films / Mean Kitty Song)
  • 1982 Pete Sell, West Islip, New York, mixed martial artist (member of the Serra-Longo Fight Team)

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“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1858 Cyrus W Field completes 1st transatlantic telegraph cable.
  • 1861 US levies its 1st Income Tax (3% of incomes over $800).
  • 1864 Spectrum of a comet observed for 1st time, by Giovanni Donati.
  • 1864 Battle of Mobile Bay, Alabama; Admiral David Farragut orders “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
  • 1884 Cornerstone for Statue of Liberty laid on Bedloe’s Island (NYC).
  • 1914 In Cleveland, Ohio, the first electric traffic light is installed.
  • 1925 Plaid Cymru is formed with the aim of disseminating knowledge of the Welsh language that was at the time in danger of dying out.
  • 1949 In Ecuador an earthquake destroys 50 towns and kills more than 6000.
  • 1957 American Bandstand, a show dedicated to the teenage “baby-boomers” by playing the songs and showing popular dances of the time, debuts on the ABC television network.
  • 1960 Burkina Faso, then known as Upper Volta, becomes independent from France.
  • 1962 1st quasar located by radio.
  • 1962 Nelson Mandela is jailed. He would not be released until 1990.
  • 1963 The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign a nuclear test ban treaty.
  • 1964 Vietnam War: Operation Pierce Arrow – American aircraft from carriers USS Ticonderoga and USS Constellation bomb North Vietnam in retaliation for strikes attacked U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin.
  • 1969 Mariner program: Mariner 7 makes its closest fly-by of Mars (3,524 kilometers).
  • 1981 President Ronald Reagan fires 11,359 striking air-traffic controllers who ignored his order for them to return to work.
  • 1995 The city of Knin, a significant Serb stronghold, is captured by Croatian forces during Operation Storm. The date is celebrated as the Victory Day (Croatia).
  • 2015 At Gold King Mine  waste water spill the Environmental Protection Agency releases 3 million gallons of heavy metal toxin tailings and waste water into the Animas River in Colorado.

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When I decided to celebrate my 40th birthday by taking the day off from work, I temporarily foiled my wife’s plan to surprise me by having flowers delivered to my desk.

She was not to be denied, however.

After I returned to work the next day, a beautiful bouquet arrived. The attached card read simply, “You don’t look a day over 40!”

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GOLDEN OLDIE…. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed .. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

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ONE-LINERS: Ponder These

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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At the end of their first date, a young fellow takes the girl back to her home. On the front porch, leaning against the wall with a bit of swagger, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

He: “Sweet thing, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
She: “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

He: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
She: “No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

He: “Baby, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
She: “No way. It’s just too risky!”

He: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
She: “No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

He: “Oh yes you can. Please, Sugar? Please?”
She: “No, no. I just can’t.”

He: “Pleeeeease?…”
Then the porch light goes on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, sleepy, hair disheveled. “Dad says go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
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At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones he noticed the rescue team.

“Thank God!” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside the one survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his head in shame.

“You can’t judge me for this!” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong that I want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my word man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

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pic of the day: Utah Desert


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CATS & TEENAGERS . . .
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”

The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman.
The leader of the party then observed, “You all know what this means — the Czech is in the male.”

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An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go too.

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Wife to husband over a chessboard: “This reminds me of when we were dating.”

“We never played chess in those days, dear.”

“No, but even then it took you two hours to make a move.”

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”

The student replied, “Big ones.”
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. ‘It ain’t so bad,’ one crook noted. ‘We got out with $25 between us.’

‘I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!’ the boss screamed. ‘We had over $100 when we broke in!’

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Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why do cats rub against your leg? 
Cats often rub up against people and furniture to lay their scent and mark their territory. They do it this way, as opposed to the way dogs do it, because they have scent glands in their faces.

~ How far can a jackrabbit jump?
Jackrabbits are powerful jumpers. A 20-inch adult can leap 20 feet in a single bound.

~ What makes the king of hearts unique?
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a playing card.

~ Can you be naked but not nude?
The words “naked” and “nude” are not the same. Naked implies unprotected. Nude means unclothed.

~ What was so unique about Jones’ rifle?
In 1916, Jones Wister of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania invented a rifle for shooting around corners. It had a curved barrel and periscopic sights.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food – W. C. Fields

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great. – Mark Twain

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