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December 11th

I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve. ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice


TODAY – DECEMBER 11th

345th day of the year (346th in leap years) with 20 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Indiana Day (Indiana: date statehood granted)
~ International Mountain Day
~ National Noodle Ring Day
~ UNICEF Birthday
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The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all – Leo Buscaglia.
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1863 Annie Jump Cannon, Dover, Delaware, astronomer (his cataloging work was the start of modern stellar classification; Harvard Classification Scheme)
  • 1889 Walter Knott, San Bernardino, California, farmer & entrepreneur (created Knott’s Berry Farm amusement park)
  • 1925 Paul Greengard, New York City, neuroscientist (molecular and cellular function of neurons)
  • 1931 Rita Moreno, Puerto Rican actress (West Side Story, The King and I, The Ritz, Slums of Beverly Hills, Blue Moon, The Electric Company, Oz, Cane, Happily Divorced, Rio 2, Nina’s World)
  • 1942 Donna Mills, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Knots Landing, General Hospital)
  • 1944 Terry Garr, Lakewood, Ohio, actress (Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Tootsie, Young Frankenstein, Mr. Mom, Friends)
  • 1958 Isabella Hofmann, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Dear John, Homicide: Life on the Street, JAG, Dreamer, The Flash)
  • 1962 Ben Browder, Memphis Tennessee, actor (John Crichton in Farscape, Cameron Mitchell in Stargate SG-1, Outlaws and Angels)
  • 1996 Hailee Steinfeld, Tarzana, Los Angeles, California, actress (True Grit, Ender’s Game, Begin Again, 3 Days to Kill, Pitch Perfect 2, The Edge of Seventeen)

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The minute you begin to do what you want to do, it’s a different kind of life. – Buckminster Fuller
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1815 the U.S. Senate created a select committee on finance and a uniform national currency, predecessor of the United States Senate Committee on Finance.
  • 1816 Indiana becomes the 19th U.S. state.
  • 1934 Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, takes his last drink and enters treatment for the last time.
  • 1936 Edward VIII’s abdication as King of the United Kingdom, the only British monarch to have voluntarily renounced the throne since the Anglo-Saxon period, became effective, leaving him free to marry Wallis Simpson.
  • 1946 The United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established.
  • 1948 General Assembly Resolution 194 passed by the UN to establish and define the role of the United Nations Conciliation Commission as an organization to facilitate peace in the British Mandate for Palestine.
  • 1972 Apollo 17 becomes the sixth and last Apollo mission to land on the Moon.
  • 2001 The People’s Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization.
  • 2008 Bernard Madoff is arrested and charged with securities fraud in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme.

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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”

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My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

“There,” said one of the golfers, “is a guy who hates to lose his ball!”

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ONE-LINERS: Dumb Instructions

~ “Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.
~ “Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
~ “Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

~ “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
~ “Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
~ “Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

~ “Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
~ “Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
~ “Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

~ “Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
~ “Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
~ “For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
~ “Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
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I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, “Madam, you are in distress!”

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my pin was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to turn the flag 90 degrees. “Ah,” he said sternly, “now you’re being boarded by pirates.”

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I had spent several weeks in Navy basic training as a female recruit and I had developed a hearty appetite. When I noticed my uniforms beginning to fit snugly, I announced to everyone that it was fruit juice and salad for me from then on. My resolve lasted until mess the next evening.

As I was about to sink my fork into a plateful of breaded pork chops and mashed potatoes, a recruit sitting next to me grabbed my hand. “The CO told us he wanted us ‘ship-shape,'” she said, “not ‘ship-shaped.'” – Betsy Lank
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pic of the day: The Light at the End of the Tunnel


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
It was a busy morning at the Third Annual International Clock Convention. Lunchtime, as always, was designated “free time” and, for the most part, all the attendees – clocks and watches, one and all – would break off into groups of two or three for the break.

The Grandfather Clock and The Old Dutch Clock hit it off well.
The Mantel Clock and The Anniversary Clock found themselves similarly well-suited for one another.
This went on until not a single clock was left in the convention hall except The Little Alarm Clock … who went off by himself.
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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”
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GOLDEN OLDIE… A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,”Where is God?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”
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The teacher asked young Malcolm: “What do you do at Christmas time?”
Malcolm addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Malcolm,” she said. “Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, my sister and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Realizing there were Jewish boys in the class and not wanting to leave them out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, Miss Jones, it’s the same thing every year – Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'”
“Then we all get on Dad’s jet and fly to the Bahamas.”
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WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS

~ No early-morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
~ A gut the size of Fat Albert’s is a job requirement.
~ One big black belt – accessorized for life!

~ No reason to have your colors done.
~ Sensible footwear.
~ Your children would adore you (even teenagers!).

~ Age discrimination? Not an issue.
~ Your co-workers know they’d better not pout.
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What’s so special about Humboldt? Within northern California’s Humboldt Redwoods State Park’s 53,000 acres, there are more than 17,000 acres of old-growth forest. Rockefeller Forest, close beside Bull Creek and the Eel River, is one of the largest remaining tracts of contiguous uncut coast redwood forest in the world.

~ Is wearing Birkenstocks a political statement? In the United States, Birkenstocks were first popular among young adults, a group traditionally associated with American liberalism; in the early 1990s “Birks” enjoyed a surge of popularity among college-aged Generation Xers. During the 2004 U.S. presidential primary, some conservatives derided Howard Dean’s supporters as “Birkenstock liberals.” However, in Germany and Austria they are associated with housewives or the environmental movement.

~ Which is the oldest holiday? The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4,000 years ago. In the years around 2000 B.C., Babylonians celebrated the beginning of a new year on what is now March 25, although they themselves had no written calendar.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I considered atheism, but there weren’t enough holidays.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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