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December 30th

The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. – Henry Miller


TODAY – DECEMBER 30th

364th day of the year (365th in leap years) with one day to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Bacon Day
~ National Bicarbonate of Soda Day
~ Sixth of the Twelve Days of Christmas (Western Christianity)
~ Falling Needles Family Fest Day (as the needles fall off your neglected Christmas tree)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1865 Rudyard Kipling, English author and poet (The Jungle Book, Just So Stories, Mandalay, Gunga Din)
  • 1920 Jack Lord, Brooklyn, NY, actor (Hawaii Five-O, Dr. No, Stoney Burke)
  • 1922 Jane Langton, Boston, Massachusetts, author & illustrator (The Hall Family, The Homer Kelly novels, The Hedgehog Boy)
  • 1928 Bo Diddley, McComb, Mississippi, singer-songwriter and guitarist (The Originator / transition from blues to rock)
  • 1934 John N. Bahcall, Shreveport, Louisiana, physicist (co-developed the Hubble Space Telescope)
  • 1935 Jack Riley, Cleveland, Ohio, actor (The Bob Newhart Show, Rugrats and All Grown Up )
  • 1935 Sandy Koufax, Brooklyn, New York, baseball player (left-handed pitcher for the Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers; youngest player elected to Baseball Hall of Fame)
  • 1937 Noel Paul Stookey, Baltimore, Maryland, folk singer (Peter, Paul & Mary)
  • 1942 Michael Nesmith, Houston, Harris County, Texas, singer and musician (The Monkees)
  • 1942 Fred Ward, San Diego, California, actor (Tremors, Henry & June, Short Cuts, The Right Stuff , Exit Speed)
  • 1945 Davy Jones, English singer and actor (The Monkees)
  • 1953 Daniel Barry, Norwalk, Connecticut, engineer, retired NASA astronaut (STS-72, STS-96, STS-105)
  • 1953 Meredith Vieira, East Providence, Rhode Island, journalist and game show host (Today Show, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, The Meredith Vieira Show)
  • 1958 Steven Smith, technology exec, NASA astronaut (STS-68, STS-82, STS-103, STS-110)
  • 1959 Tracey Ullman, English-American actress (Tracey Ullman Show, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Corpse Bride, State of the Union, Into the Woods, Good Session)
  • 1961 Sean Hannity, New York City, NY, conservative political commentator on radio & tv (The Sean Hannity Show), author (Let Freedom Ring, Deliver Us from Evil)
  • 1964 George Newbern, Little Rock, Arkansas, actor (Working Girl, Father of the Bride, The Pirates of Dark Water, The Boys Are Back, Bull, Providence, Justice League, Scandal)
  • 1964 Sophie Ward, English actress (Young Sherlock Holmes, Return to Oz, Out of Bounds, Book of Blood, Dinotopia, Heartbeat, Holby City, Land Girls)
  • 1973 Jason Behr, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (Roswell, The Grudge, Skinwalkers, Dragon Wars: D-War, Breakout Kings)
  • 1975 Tiger Woods, Cypress, California, golfer)
  • 1980 Eliza Dushku, Watertown, Massachusetts, actress (True Lies, Bring It On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tru Calling, Dollhouse, Torchwood: Web of Lies, Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H., The Saint)
  • 1983 Kevin Systrom, Holliston, Massachusetts, businessman & computer programmer (co-founded Instagram)

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You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. – Malcolm S. Forbes
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1853 Gadsden Purchase: The United States buys land from Mexico to facilitate railroad building in the Southwest.
  • 1862 The USS Monitor sinks off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
  • 1903 A fire at the Iroquois Theater in Chicago, Illinois kills 600.
  • 1922 The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is formed.
  • 1924 Edwin Hubble announces the existence of other galaxies.
  • 1936 The United Auto Workers union stages its first sit-down strike.
  • 1981 In the 39th game of his 3rd NHL season Wayne Gretzky scores 5 goals giving him 50 on the year setting a new NHL record previously held by Maurice Richard and Mike Bossy who earlier had each scored 50 goals in 50 games.
  • 1993 Israel and Vatican City establish diplomatic relations.
  • 2005 Tropical Storm Zeta forms in the open Atlantic Ocean, tying the record for the latest tropical cyclone ever to form in the North Atlantic basin.
  • 2009 A suicide bomber kills nine people at Forward Operating Base Chapman, a key facility of the Central Intelligence Agency in Afghanistan.

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Golden OldieIn a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

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Golden Oldie… A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!’

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ONE-LINERS: Ponderables

– If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
– If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
– If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

– Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
– Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
– If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

– Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
– You know how most packages say “Open here.” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

– You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
– Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
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Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]
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DEPLOYED TO SAUDIA ARABIA during the Gulf War, I noticed that several Marines had written symbols, phrases or nicknames on their helmets. A few senior reservists put previous war-tour dates on theirs, such as “1968-70 Vietnam.”

One young Marine inscribed a date that caused double takes. His helmet read: “1972-73 Kindergarten.” – Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by SSgt. Timothy Lebeda
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Rabbit in Snowstorm . . .

rabbit sitting in snow
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Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.”

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The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.

~ AYPI: And Your Point Is?
~ AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?

~ BEG: Big Evil Grin
~ TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!
~ HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding
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PUN ZONE! Working Man Blues . . .

~ Had a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I …just didn’t fit in.
~ I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I …couldn’t live on my net income.

~ Thought about becoming a witch, so I …tried that for a spell.
~ I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was …just too draining.

~ So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I …wasn’t fit for the job.
~ I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I …wasn’t up to it.

~ Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I …was discharged.
~ After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was …no future in it.
~ My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it …was always the same old grind.
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SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A NO-FRILLS AIRLINE

~ You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.
~ Instead of a Sky Cap, the pilot carries your luggage to the plane.

~ The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
~ Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

~ The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
~ No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
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Italian Pasta Diet

It Really Works!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
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I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.

I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat…

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to a doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, “I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!”

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BIRTHDAZE . . .

~ He looks like a million bucks…after taxes
~ She’s discovered the secret of perpetual youth…she lies about her age.
~ She’s been pressing 30 so long, it’s pleated.
~ When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy……..about 10 years shy.
~ She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.
~ I’ve stopped exercising…pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He’s so old….
..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors
..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked “Urgent”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How large are seahorses? The largest species of seahorse measures 8 inches.

~ How much does an elephant’s skeleton weigh? The massive skeleton of the African elephant accounts for about 15 percent of the body weight, just as in a man of slender build; however, the elephant’s skeleton supports as much as four tons per leg, and is thus stressed close to the physical limit for bone. To keep from damaging its skeleton, an African elephant has to move sedately, never jumping or running. The “charge” of these animals is a fast walk on long legs, at about 15 miles per hour.

~ Who received the first diamond engagement ring? Anne of Burgundy became the first woman to receive a diamond engagement ring. It was given to her by Maximilian I of Germany in 1477.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock. – Will Rogers

QUIP OF THE DAY #2: “What insight could you possibly hope to gain from a man whose I.Q. wouldn’t make a respectable earthquake?” –Diane Chambers (Shelley Long), CHEERS

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we’ve touched.” ― Will Fetters, Memoirs

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