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December 5th

A good friend is a connection to life ­ a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. – Lois Wyse


TODAY – DECEMBER 5th

339th day of the year (340th in leap years) with 26 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Bathtub Party Day
~ International Ninja Day
~ International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
~ National Sachertorte Day
~ Repeal Day (21st Amendment ends Prohibition)
~ World Soil Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1782 Martin Van Buren, Kinderhook, New York, 8th President of the United States (March 4, 1837 – March 4, 1841)
  • 1839 George Armstrong Custer, New Rumley, Ohio, general (many victories, but they are overshadowed by Battle of the Little Bighorn, a.k.a. “Custer’s Last Stand”)
  • 1879 Clyde Cessna, Hawthorne, Iowa, airplane manufacturer (founder of the Cessna Aircraft Corporation)
  • 1901 Walt Disney, Chicago, Illinois, animated film producer & theme park builder
  • 1932 Little Richard, Macon, Georgia, singer and pianist (Tutti Frutti, Good Golly Miss Molly)
  • 1932 Sheldon Lee Glashow, New York City, New York, physicist (Electroweak theory & Criticism of Superstring theory)
  • 1934 Joan Didion, Sacramento, California, author (The White Album, A Book of Common Prayer, Salvador, The Last Thing He Wanted, The Year of Magical Thinking)
  • 1935 Calvin Trillin, Kansas City, Missouri, author (Runestruck, Floater, Remembering Denny, Family Man, Feeding a Yen, About Alice)
  • 1936 James Lee Burke, Los Angeles, Texas, author (Dave Robicheaux series (The New Iberia Blues) / Black Cherry Blues, Cimarron Rose, Heaven’s Prisoners, In the Electric Mist)
  • 1968 Margaret Cho, San Francisco, California, comedian, actress, producer, screenwriter and humanitarian
  • 1976 Amy Acker, Dallas, Texas, actress (Angel, Alias, Person of Interest, The Gifted)
  • 1979 Nick Stahl, Harlingen, Texas, actor (The Man Without a Face, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Mirrors 2)

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The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Bertrand Russell
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1484 Pope Innocent VIII issues the Summis desiderantes, that deputizes Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger as inquisitors to root out alleged witchcraft in Germany and leads to one of the most oppressive witch hunts in European history.
  • 1492 Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola, now Haiti and the Dominican Republic.
  • 1848 In a message before the U.S. Congress, US President James K. Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California.
  • 1933 Prohibition in the United States ends: Utah becomes the 36th U.S. state to ratify the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution, thus establishing the required 75% of states needed to enact the amendment (this overturned the 18th Amendment which had made the manufacture, sale, or transportation of alcohol illegal in the United States).
  • 1955 American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merge and form the AFL–CIO.
  • 1974 In American football, the Birmingham Americans would win what would eventually be the only World Bowl in World Football League history.
  • 2010 The Harlem Globetrotters Played their famous “Four Point Game” against the Generals.

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At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”
“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”

“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”
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A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”
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ONE-LINERS:Deep Thoughts…………
~ If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
~ Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
~ What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
~ Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

~ If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
~ Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
~ Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
~ Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

~ Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
~ The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
~ Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
~ If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

~ Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
~ Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
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Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge where a person ‘was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and held suspended in the air.’

I don’t know about you, but where I’m from, this is better known as a ‘wedgie.’

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pic of the day: Creek in Rocky Mountains


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

— I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

— I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

— Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

— What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

— A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

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As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

“If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”
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A pastor asked his Bible class, “Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?”
A student replied, “Because his mother was there.”
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One of my seminary students could not take my seminar class final exam because of a funeral.

“No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.”
That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”
“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me.

By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” I asked.
“I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

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A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was John Quincy Adams nickname? During his heyday, John Quincy Adams was nicknamed “Old Man Eloquent.”

~ Can you get American diamonds? Yes, but the only active diamond mine in the United States is in Arkansas.

~ What is The Feast of Sinterklaas? Many countries in Europe celebrate the Feast of Sinterklaas — also known as St. Nicholas — on the eve of December 6. After dinner, families hunt for their presents, following clues in funny, anonymous poems. In Belgium and the Netherlands, a fellow dressed as St. Nicholas would arrive by ship on December 6 and ride a white horse (or a donkey) through the towns, handing out gifts. They also eat candies and cookies, especially spicy crispy ginger-cookie figures formed in a traditional wooden mold.

~ How popular was Felix the Cat at his peak? During the 1920s, Felix enjoyed sudden, enormous popularity in international popular culture. He got his own comic strip (drawn by Otto Messmer), and his image soon adorned all sorts of merchandise. Jazz singers such as Paul Whiteman sang about him. Nevertheless, the success was short-lived. The arrival of talking cartoons, particularly those of Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse, eclipsed the silent offerings of Sullivan and Messmer.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Three things are needed for a good life: good friends, good food, and good song. – Jason Zebehazy

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