Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth. – Benjamin Disraeli
TODAY – DECEMBER 6th
340th day of the year (341st in leap years) with 25 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ Mitten Tree Day
~ National Miners Day
~ National Gazpacho Day
~ National Microwave Oven Day
~ National Pawnbrokers Day
~ Put on your own Shoes Day
~ International St. Nicholas Day (where St. Nicholas/Santa Claus leaves little presents in children’s shoes)
~ National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women (Canada)
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
- 1805 Jean Eugène Robert-Houdin, French magician (pioneer in art of illusion)
- 1886 Joyce Kilmer, New Brunswick, New Jersy, journalist, poet (Trees)
- 1896 Ira Gershwin, New York City, New York, lyricist (‘S Wonderful, I Got Rhythm)
- 1898 Alfred Eisenstaedt, German-born photojournalist (picture of sailor kissing nurse / V-J Day celebration)
- 1948 JoBeth Williams, Houston, Texas, actress (Sybil, Stir Crazy, Poltergiest, Barracuda)
- 1952 Craig Newmark, Morristown, New Jersey, internet entrepreneur/ founder of the San Francisco-based website Craigslist
- 1962 Janine Turner, Lincoln, Nebraska, actress (Steel Magnolias, Cliffhanger, Northern Exposure, Strong Medicine, Friday Night Lights, Occupy Texas)
- 1982 Ryan Carnes, Pittsfield, Illinois, actor (Desperate Housewives, General Hospital, Encounter)
Live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts. – Cicero
- 1768 The first edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica is published.
- 1849 American abolitionist Harriet Tubman escapes from slavery in Maryland.
- 1865 Thirteenth Amendment is ratified, abolishing slavery.
- 1877 The first edition of the Washington Post is published.
- 1877 Thomas Edison creates the first recording of a human voice, reciting “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
- 1884 The Washington Monument in Washington D.C. is completed.
- 1907 Coal mine explosions in Monongah, West Virginia, kill 362 workers.
- 1947 Everglades National Park in Florida is dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.
- 1973 The Twenty-fifth Amendment: The United States House of Representatives votes 387 to 35 to confirm Gerald Ford as Vice President of the United States (on November 27, the Senate confirmed him 92 to 3).
- 2006 NASA reveals photographs taken by Mars Global Surveyor suggesting the presence of liquid water on Mars.
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”
ONE-LINERS:Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name
~ Don’t call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
~ Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
~ Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
~ Don’t be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day.
~ But don’t labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
~ Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie.
~ Don’t choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
~ It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It’s just asking for trouble.
~ Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not.
~ Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl.
~ Don’t give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
~ Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You’ll confuse people.
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on any subject.
4th RUNNER-UP: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian ‘pahks his cah,’ the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to ‘warsh’ his car and invest in ‘erl’ wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
In honor of Alfred Eisenstaedt...
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, ‘I can’t make it, I’ll get too tired.’
His mother replied, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.’
The baby started to cry.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the mother sympathetically.
‘I don’t want to end up being pigeon towed.’
A Texan lands in Sydney for the Olympics, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches…
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed – “I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy”.
The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn “Is this a road, or a track?”
So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn’t help himself ….”Stupid grass hoppers!”
Thoughts on Growing Old. . .
– Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
– The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
– Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
– How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
– When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
– You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
– One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
– One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
– Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
– Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
– If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
– First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then…Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
– If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
And best of all…
– I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
In the men’s room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — “Think!”
The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — “Thoap!”
TODAY IN TRIVIA: Can scallops be eaten raw? Scallops are considered the safest shellfish to eat raw. Most of the danger in eating raw shellfish stems from the fact that shellfish filter large amounts of sea water to obtain nutrients. Toxins, bacteria, and viruses tend to accumulate in this filtration apparatus. The filtration apparatus in scallops is, however, discarded; only the scallop’s abductor muscle, where few toxins accumulate, is eaten.
~ Why call a crummy bar a ‘dive?’ The use of the word “dive” to describe a seedy saloon first came into use in New York City in the mid-1800s, when such establishments were usually located below street level in run-down row houses, requiring patrons to descend into the buildings.
~How often do kangaroo rats drink? Kangaroo rats never drink water. Like their relatives the pocket mice, they carry their own water source within them, producing fluids from the food they eat and the air they breathe.
QUIP OF THE DAY: If you can do no good, at least do no harm. – Hippocrates
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Do, or do not. There is no try. – Yoda, from Star Wars