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February 12th

Every man is the architect of his own fortune – Appius Claudius.

TODAY – FEBRUARY 12th

43rd day of the year with 322 days remaining (323 in leap years).

Holidays for Today:
~ Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday
~ Georgia Day (celebrated in Georgia, U.S.)
~ National Plum Pudding Day
*Red Hand Day (Raising awareness of the plight of children forced to serve as soldiers)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1809 Charles Darwin, English naturalist (proposed evolution by natural selection)
  • 1809 Abraham Lincoln, Hodgenville, Kentucky, 16th President of the United States (1861-his death)
  • 1843 John Graham Chambers, Welsh Sportsman (founded inter-varsity sports, wrote the Queensberry rules for boxing)
  • 1876 Thubten Gyatso, 13th Dalai Lama of Tibet (1879-his death)
  • 1881 Anna Pavlova, Russian ballerina (Most recognized for creating of The Dying Swan role, 1st ballerina to tour around the world)
  • 1893 Omar Bradley, Randolph County, Missouri, General of the Army (last five-star general in the United States; 1st Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff)
  • 1915 Lorne Greene, Canadian actor (Ben Cartwright on Bonanza, Commander Adama in first Battlestar Galactica movie & TV series)
  • 1918 Julian Schwinger, New York City, New York, physicist (Nobel / theory of quantum electrodynamics (QED))
  • 1938 Judy Blume, Elizabeth, New Jersey, author (Tales of a Fourth Grade Noting, Blubber, Wifey, Smart Women, Summer Sisters)
  • 1950 Michael Ironside, Canadian actor (Scanners, V: The Final Battle, Highlander II, Terminator Salvation, Tokyo Trial, American Desert)
  • 1953 Robin Thomas (Grossman), Pittsfield, Massachusetts, actor (Matlock, The Mommies, The Division, Life Unexpected, Pacific Rim, Cleaners, Runaway, Minkow, The Assassin’s Code)
  • 1956 Arsenio Hall, Cleveland, Ohio, actor and talk show host
  • 1965 John Michael Higgins, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Bicentennial Man, Ally McBeal, Monte Walsh, Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, Kath & Kim, Raising the Bar, We Bought a Zoo, Happily Divorced, The Legend of Korra, Great News)
  • 1968 Josh Brolin, Santa Monica, California, actor (The Goonies, No Country for Old Men, True Grit, Men in Black 3, Inherent Vice, Avengers: Infinity War, Deadpool 2)
  • 1993 Jennifer Stone, Arlington, Texas, actress (Wizards of Waverly Place, Mean Girls 2, Deadtime Stories, High School Possession, The In-Between)

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1733 Georgia founded by Englishman James Oglethorpe, making it the 13th colony of the Thirteen Colonies, and its first city at Savannah.
  • 1825 The Creek cede the last of their lands in Georgia to the United States government by the Treaty of Indian Springs, and migrate west.
  • 1855 Michigan State University is established.
  • 1909 The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is founded.
  • 1914 In Washington, D.C., the first stone of the Lincoln Memorial is put into place.
  • 1935 USS Macon, one of the two largest helium-filled airships ever created, crashes into the Pacific Ocean off the coast of California and sinks.
  • 1963 Construction begins on the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.
  • 1994 Four men break into the National Gallery of Norway and steal Edward Munch’s iconic painting The Scream.
  • 1999 United States President Bill Clinton is acquitted by the United States Senate in his impeachment trial.
  • 2004 The city of San Francisco, California begins issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples in response to a directive from Mayor Gavin Newsom.
  • 2009 Colgan Air Flight 3407 crashes into a house in Clarence Center, New York while on approach to Buffalo-Niagara International Airport, killing all on board and one on the ground.
  • 2016 Pope Francis and Patriarch Kirill sign an Ecumenical Declaration in the first such meeting between leaders of the Catholic and Russian Orthodox Churches since their split in 1054.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.0,
and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.1, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

—–

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of those apps can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Flatulence and Loud Snoring Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

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ONE-LINERS:

~ What do you call a man hanging on the wall? Art
~ What do you call a man who supports the Arts? Brad
~ What do you call a man floating up and down in the water? Bob

~ What do you call a man on a grill? Frank
~ What do you call a woman on a grill? Patty
~ What do you call two men above a window? Curt ‘n’ Rod

~ What do you call a man in the ditch? Phil
~ What do you call a woman with one leg? Eilene
~ What do you call a man on your front doorstep? Matt
~ What do you call an Asian woman with one leg? Irene
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, “Uh oh.”

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this!”

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Dad’s pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer’s hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

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pic of the day: Horses peacefully grazing…

2 horses grazing

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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
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Answering Machine Message 666

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An infant rabbit was orphaned and raised by a family of squirrels as if it were one of their own. This adoption
led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency to run around like its step-siblings
instead of jumping like a rabbit.

As the rabbit grew to adulthood it faced an identity crisis (don’t we all) and went to its stepparents to
discuss the problem. It lamented that it felt different from its step-siblings, out of place with other rabbits and
unsure of its place in the family and the woods.

His wise parents’ response: “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, “Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?”

The lady said, “My phone doesn’t have an eleven.”

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Only a Southerner. . .

– Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
– Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
– Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

– Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, . as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
– Only a Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

– Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!

– Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

– Only a Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” and go your own way.
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Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
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A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.

One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

“What happened?” his new cellmate asked.

“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing.”

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TODAY’S TRIVIA: Why is February 12 designated Georgia Day? On February 12, 1733 James Oglethorpe landed the first settlers at what was to become Georgia’s first city (and later the first state capital), Savannah. Therefore, this holiday is on the date of the colonial founding as the Province of Georgia.

~ How long have people been racing horses?
Horse racing is one of the most ancient sports, originating in Central Asia among prehistoric nomadic tribesmen around 4500 B.C. When humans began keeping written records, horse racing was already an organized sport throughout the world.

~ Which is the oldest horse?
Today’s oldest form of horse is the Przewalski, or Mongolian Wild Horse. Survivors of this breed were discovered in the Gobi Desert in 1881.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is a self-made man and worships his creator – John Bright.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.  – Abraham Lincoln

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