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February 15th

“I am so far from being a pessimist…on the contrary, in spite of my scars, I am tickled to death at life.” – Eugene O’Neill

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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags to my waist, my rear is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
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Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
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ONE LINERS: RETIREMENT Q&A

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The Never-Ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
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Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies,” he responded.
“Oh!, Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
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PUNNY Inventions Bound to Fail

*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights

*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards

*A dictionary index
*Dehydrated water – Just add water
*Waterproof tea bags
*The helicopter ejector seat
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Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn’t get it all cut.
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A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”
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QUIP: Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul – chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!

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