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February 17th

I can accept failure, but I can’t accept not trying. – Michael Jordan


TODAY – FEBRUARY 17th

48th day of the year with 317 days to follow (318 in leap years).

Holidays for Today:
~ Analog to Digital TV Day
~ My Way Day
~ National Cabbage Day
~ National Champion Crab Races Day
~ National Random Acts of Kindness Day
~ World Human Spirit Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1723 Tobias Mayer, German astronomer (“method of lunars” for longitude determination)
  • 1844 A Montgomery Ward, Chatham, New Jersey, founded mail-order business (Montgomery Ward)
  • 1864 Jozef Murgaš, Slovak inventor (contributed to wireless telegraphy and helped develop mobile communications and wireless transmission of information and human voice)
  • 1874 Thomas J Watson, Campbell, New York, salesman / founder (IBM)
  • 1888 Otto Stern, German physicist (Stern-Gerlach experiment, Spin quantization, Molecular ray method)
  • 1908 Walter L “Red” Barber, Columbus, Mississippi, sports announcer (Brooklyn Dodgers, NY Yanks)
  • 1912 Andre Norton, Cleveland, Ohio, author (Series: Witch World, Beast Master, Halfblood Chronicles, Quag Keep, Time Traders)
  • 1924 Margaret Truman, Independence, Missouri, president’s daughter/author (Murder at FBI) /pianist
  • 1925 Hal Holbrook, Cleveland, Ohio, actor (All the President’s Men, Mark Twain)
  • 1933 Larry Jennings, Detroit, Michigan, magician and author (Stabbed Coincidence, Classic Magic of Larry Jennings, The Cardwright, Up in Smoke)
  • 1939 Mary Ann Mobley, Biloxi, Mississippi, Miss America-1959/actor (Diff’rent Strokes, Falcon Crest)
  • 1954 Rene Russo, Burbank, California, actress (Ransom, Lethal Weapon 4, Thomas Crown Affair, Thor, Nightcrawler, The Intern)
  • 1963 Larry the Cable Guy, Pawnee City, Nebraska, comedian and actor (Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Cars (Mater’s voice), Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy, Tooth Fairy 2, Jingle All the Way 2)
  • 1963 Michael Jordan, Brooklyn, New York, basketball player, NBA guard/forward (Chicago Bulls) and sports superstar
  • 1971 Denise Richards, Downers Grove, Illinois, model and actress (Starship Troopers, Wild Things, Drop Dead Gorgeous, The World is Not Enough, Madea’s Witness Protection, Twisted)
  • 1974 Bryan White, Lawton, Oklahoma, singer (“Someone Else’s Star” ,”Rebecca Lynn” , “So Much for Pretending” , “Sittin’ on Go” )
  • 1976 Kelly Carlson, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actress (Nip/Tuck, Ghostfacers, Jimmy)
  • 1980 Jason Ritter, Los Angeles, California, actor (Joan of Arcadia, The Event, Gravity Falls, Parenthood, About Alex)
  • 1981 Paris Hilton, New York City, New York, actress and heiress (Zoolander, Wonderland, The Cat In The Hat, The Simple Life)
  • 1982 Joseph Gordon-Levitt, actor (Tommy Solomon-Third Rock From the Sun; G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra; The Powers That Be; Dark Shadows, Lincoln)
  • 1992 Meaghan  Martin, Las Vegas, Nevada, actress and singer (Camp Rock and Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, 10 Things I Hate About You, Kingdom Hearts )

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“And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1621 Myles Standish appointed 1st commander of Plymouth colony.
  • 1801 An electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr is resolved when Jefferson is elected President of the United States and Burr Vice President by the United States House of Representatives.
  • 1809 Miami University is chartered by the State of Ohio.
  • 1817 First public gas street light in the U.S. was lit in Baltimore, Maryland.
  • 1819 The United States House of Representatives passes the Missouri Compromise.
  • 1864 American Civil War: The H. L. Hunley becomes the first submarine to engage and sink a warship, the USS Housatonic.
  • 1865 American Civil War: Columbia, South Carolina, is burned as Confederate forces flee from advancing Union forces.
  • 1867 The first ship passes through the Suez Canal.
  • 1913 The Armory Show opens in New York City, displaying works of artists who are to become some of the most influential painters of the early 20th century.
  • 1924 In Miami, Florida, Johnny Weissmuller sets a new world record in the 100-yard freestyle swimming competition with a time of 5225 seconds.
  • 1925 Harold Ross and Jane Grant found The New Yorker magazine; the debut issue is dated February 21, 1925.
  • 1933 Newsweek magazine is published for the first time.
  • 1933 The Blaine Act ends Prohibition in the United States.
  • 1936 “Phantom” cartoon strip by Lee Falk debuts.
  • 1958 Comic strip “BC” first published.
  • 1964 In Wesberry v. Sanders the Supreme Court of the United States rules that congressional districts have to be approximately equal in population.
  • 1968 In Springfield, Massachusetts, the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame opens.
  • 1972 Sales of the Volkswagen Beetle exceed those of the Ford Model-T.
  • 1974 Robert K. Preston, a disgruntled U.S. Army private, buzzes the White House in a stolen helicopter.
  • 1996 In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, world champion Garry Kasparov beats the Deep Blue supercomputer in a chess match.
  • 1996 NASA’s Discovery Program begins as the NEAR Shoemaker spacecraft lifts off on the first mission ever to orbit and land on an asteroid, 433 Eros.
  • 2008 Kosovo declares independence.

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My mother asked, “How do those car phones work when the sun goes down?”

I told her, “It’s cellular, not solar.”

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“May I go swimming, Mommy?”

“No, you may not. There are sharks here.”

“But Daddy’s swimming.”

“He’s insured.”

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Realizing that I’d put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, “I’m fat.”

And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: “You’re not fat.”

To support his position, he added, “Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat.”

But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: “Mom, he’s grading you on the curve!”
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CYNICAL ONE-LINERS:

~ A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

~ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

~ Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
~ If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

~ It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
~ It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

~ They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. As a plumber, I’m delighted to see all these teenagers wearing low-rider jeans.
~ How long will it be until American universities learn that in most fields, their diplomas are now quite literally not worth the paper they are written on?
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A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

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While getting dressed one morning, I decided I’d been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
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Pastor to Farmer: “I missed seeing you at service on Sunday.”
Farmer to Pastor: “Well, I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit in a hay baler thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”
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pic of the day: Chimney Rock, North Carolina

Mountains at Chimney Rock
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“My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Chevy, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Buick.”

“Really? What did he get?”
“Fifteen years for theft.”
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Can’t get away for a ski vacation? Just do this:

* Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.

* Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.

* Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.

* Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

There. Now just sit down and wait for Spring.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Male deer have buck teeth.
~ I’ve been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.
~ You may think I’m paranoid, but I’ve noticed that cashiers are always checking me out.

~ The chemical symbol for holy water is H2OMG.
~ Tolerance: What the ant basketball team needs
~ Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the queen

~ “Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I keep hearing music that isn’t there!!”
“Remove your head band.”
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After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.

Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.

The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.

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GOLDEN OLDIE LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .

* A woman in Manhattan went into a seafood restaurant, bit into a hunk of fish and got a fish hook in her mouth. I hate when you go into a restaurant and you’re the catch of the day. – David Letterman

* Pot growers in the state of Washington have a problem. Supply there has outstripped demand and they have a lot more marijuana than they can sell. I find it surprising that the marijuana industry did not crunch the numbers properly. That’s not like them at all. – Jimmy Kimmel

* Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world’s happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even “I love you” sounds like a threat. – Jimmy Kimmel
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As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time Custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?”

The Custodian looked at him gravely… “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”
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A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked “What exactly are you looking for?”

This was her description: “He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: “Buy a television.”

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TODAY’S TRIVIA: When did Rome lay its first paved streets? In Rome, the world’s first paved streets were laid out in 170 B.C. The new streets were popular as they were functional in all types of weather and were easier to keep clean, but they amplified the city’s noise level.

~ What did Nature’s Totem signify? Nature’s Totem, the awe-inspiring, 325-foot spire of Chimney Rock in Nebraska, informed Pony Express riders and frontiersmen they had crossed the American plains and that mountains lay ahead.

~ Which tree gets struck by lightning most often? Oak trees are struck by lightning more often than any other tree. It has been theorized, this is one reason that the ancient Greeks considered oak trees sacred to Zeus, god of thunder and lightning.

~ How old is that Korean deer? In Korea, the deer is a symbol of long life, and is often portrayed in the company of immortals.

~ How do you repel a mosquito? Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray or lotion blocks the mosquito’s sensors; however, they will seek out unprotected areas of skin.

~ How old was Dirty Harry? Clint Eastwood was 41 years old when he debuted in the role of maverick Det. “Dirty” Harry Calahan in the action film Dirty Harry (1971). Reportedly, the part had been turned down by Paul Newman, John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, and Frank Sinatra. Eastwood insisted on performing his own action stunts, including the famous scene where he jumped from a bridge to the roof of a moving school bus.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The only guy I have to get better than is who I am right now. – Colonel Potter on M*A*S*H,

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