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February 19th

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.  – Thomas Campbell
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”
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Last night I was telling my kids about Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4. I told them how Jesus and the disciples were all in a boat crossing a lake when a storm came up and threatened to sink the craft.  Meanwhile, Jesus had fallen asleep in the stern.

So the disciples, fearing for their lives, went back and woke Jesus, hoping he could do something to save them. I said Jesus woke up and said “Quiet…”

To which my son interjected, “I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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LAWYER JOKES…

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then he lies on the other side.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors, that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will stop sucking your blood when you die.
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GOLDEN OLDIE…

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
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VERY PUNNY….
~ Need to lose weight? Go to a paint store. You can get thinner there.
~ Telling a falsehood in your sleep is lying in bed.
~ Q: Why do you never play cards in the jungle?
…….A: Because there are cheetahs.
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You Might Be a Redneck If…

– You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
– A tornado goes through your trailer’s yard and makes it look neater.
– You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

– You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
– You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.
– You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

– You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
– The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
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PUNNY GOLDEN OLDIE….
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter.
The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, “You got anything to stop this coffin?”
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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The lil’ Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center.
“I want a dog of which I can be proud,” she told the salesman. “Does that one have a good pedigree?”
“Miss,” declared the clerk, “if she could speak, she wouldn’t talk to either one of us.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How long can a carp live?  The common carp lives up to 25 years in the wild, and up to 40 years in captivity. The durable fish can survive in waters up to 90 degrees F, and can even withstand freezing for short periods.

~ Why are electric eels different than other fish? Unlike most fish, electric eels cannot get enough oxygen from water. Approximately every five minutes, they must surface to breathe, or they will drown. Unlike most fish, they can swim both backwards and forwards.

~ Do moths actually eat clothes? No. Moth damage in clothes is caused when the eggs of moths hatch and the larvae begin feeding on clothes (usually wool or fur). Moths themselves live for a very short time and often don’t eat anything in the adult stage.

~ Where do baby Praying Mantids come from?  A gravid female praying mantis will produce a large foam mass, called an ootheca. This ootheca can contain up to 300 eggs, all protected in the foam sack. These oothecae are laid in the fall – after which the adult mantids die – and can take up to five months to hatch.
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My grandfather told me there are two kinds of people:
those who do the work and those who take the credit.
He told me to be in the first group – there is less competition there. – Indira Gandhi
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Sign behind an Amish carriage:
“Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!”

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