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February 22nd

We are all like one-winged angels.
It is only when we help each other that we can fly.
— Luciano de Crescenzo

Be Humble Day
Founder’s Day or “B.-P. day” (World Organization of the Scout Movement)
George Washington’s Birthday
National Margarita Day
Walking the Dog Day
World Thinking Day (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” a little fellow shouted,
“It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.


~ English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating”
~ On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”
~ Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”

~ On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin”
~ On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet”
~ At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges”

~ In a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”
~ On a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog”
~ Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”

~ On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push”
~ Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome – dog food is expensive”
~ Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
~ Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
~ Optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.
“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”
“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many politicians we would have to kill?”

Kind of Punny…

A man went into his shrink’s office and says, “Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I’m a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?”

“Relax,” says the shrink, “You’re just having an auto-body experience.”

GOLDEN OLDIE… A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,”Without you we are but dust… ”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn’t as neat as it usually was.

“I’m trying out a new font,” he explained.

(JIR-ent) noun

1: A ruler or manager.

From Latin gerent, present participle of gerere (to manage). Earliest documented use: 1576.

“Great deputy, the welkin’s vice-gerent, and sole dominator of Navarre …” –
William Shakespeare; Love’s Labour’s Lost; 1590s.

It’s thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

“Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life,” says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It’s a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.

The Administrator’s response? “Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!”

An airhead was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”

A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The airhead replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

TRIVIA: Where is the coldest known place in our solar system? The coldest place in the solar system is the surface of Neptune’s largest moon Triton, which has a temperature of -391 degrees Fahrenheit, only 69 degrees Fahrenheit above absolute zero.

~ Is the snake deadlier than the honeybee? The honeybee kills more people each year world-wide than venomous snakes.

~ How American is beef? Beef seems so American, but it was actually an import. Spaniards brought the first cattle to the United States in the sixteenth century. Originally, the settlers regarded them as beasts of burden, but the Indians found them delicious. The Indians, in fact, were the first cattle herders, and they were the ones who moved the cattle across the Mississippi River to the grasslands of the plains.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Think of all the beauty that’s still left in and around you, and be happy! – Anne Frank

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