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February 24th

Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer. – Author Unknown


TODAY – FEBRUARY 24th

55th day of the year with 310 to follow (311 in leap years).

Holidays for Today:

~ National Tortilla Chip Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1766 Samuel Wesley, England, composer/organist (Exultate Deo)
  • 1786 Wilhelm Karl Grimm, Germany, folklorist (Grimm’s Fairy Tales)
  • 1836 Winslow Homer, Boston, Massachusetts, landscape artist (marine subjects)
  • 1885 Admiral Chester Nimitz, Fredericksburg, Texas, US Admiral (commanded Pacific fleet in WWII)
  • 1917 William Fairbank, Minneapolis, Minnesota, physicist (superconductivity)
  • 1921 Abe Vigoda, New York, NY, actor (Barney Miller, Fish)
  • 1938 James Farentino, Brooklyn, NY, actor (Dead & Buried, Final Countdown, Blue Thunder, ER)
  • 1946 Barry Bostwick, San Mateo, California, actor (Spin City, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Lexx, Megaforce, Challenger, Scruples, Foul Play)
  • 1947 Edward James Olmos, Los Angeles, California, actor (Commander Adama/ Battlestar Galactica, Miami Vice, Stand & Deliver)
  • 1955 Steve Jobs, San Francisco, California, computer pioneer (co-founder Apple, co-founder Pixar, Walt Disney Board Directors)
  • 1959 Beth Broderick, Falmouth, Kentucky, actress (Aunt Zelda/Sabrina Teenage Witch, Hearts Afire, Lost)
  • 1966 Billy Zane, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Caledon Hockley/Titanic; Dead Calm, Twin Peaks, The Phantom)
  • 1967 Brian Schmidt, Australian astrophysicist (Nobel / evidence that the expansion of the universe is accelerating)
  • 1971 Josh Bernstein, New York City, explorer / author / tv host (Into the Unknown with Josh Bernstein)
  • 1972 Manon Rheaume, Quebec, Canada, 1st female NHLer (Tampa Bay)
  • 1974 Bonnie Somerville, New York, NY, actress and singer (Grosse Pointe, Count Me In, NYPD Blue, Santa Paws 2, Golden Boy)
  • 1979 Jesse Billauer, Pacific Palisades, California, quadriplegic surfer (Step into Liquid)
  • 1991 Madison Hubbell, Lansing, Michigan, ice dancer (2011 & 2013 Nebelhorn Trophy champion, 2014 Four-Continents gold medalist and the 2012 U.S. national bronze medalist)

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“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” – Albert Einstein
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1803 In Marbury v. Madison, the Supreme Court of the US establishes the principle of judicial review.
  • 1831 Treaty of Dancing Rabbit Creek, the first removal treaty in accordance with the Indian Removal Act, is proclaimed. The Choctaws in Mississippi cede land east of the river in exchange for payment and land in the West.
  • 1839 Steam shovel patented by William Otis, Philadelphia.
  • 1863 Arizona Territory created.
  • 1918 Estonia declares independence from Russia.
  • 1938 Du Pont begins commercial production of nylon toothbrush bristles.
    1942 Voice of America begins broadcasting (in German).
  • 1970 National Public Radio is founded in the United States.
  • 1981 Britain’s Prince Charles announces engagement to Lady Diana Spencer.
  • 2002 XIX winter Olympics closes in Salt Lake City UT/Québec City.
  • 2008 Fidel Castro retires as the President of Cuba after nearly fifty years.
  • 2011 Final Launch of Space Shuttle Discovery (OV-103).

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My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject.

One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.

“I’ll take the Italian,” he said to the guy behind the counter. “Salami, Provolone, and peppers.”

“Do you want a full hero or half one?” came the reply.

“Ah… gimme a half,” my friend says.

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard…

“Small Italian, your order is up!”

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A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.

I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window…

“I tried that,” he said, “but the bills just keep on coming.”

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SIGNS YOUR CHURCH HAS SOLD OUT TO CORPORATE SPONSORS

~ Nike “swoosh” on the cross
~ Personal pew licenses now sold
~ Communion now sponsored by Welch’s Grape Juice

~ Luxury pews with wet bar and satellite TV
~ The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters
~ Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World

~ Bulletin has coupon section
~ Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft
~ Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them

~ Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC
~ Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes
~ Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC

~ Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo
~ Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL
~ Choir robes with the Lands’ End emblem on front
~ Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network
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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury.

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Memorable Bumper Stickers…

~ Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
~ Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

~ Adults are just kids who owe money.
~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
~ Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

~ You! Off my planet!
~ I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
~ Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
~ I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
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pic of the day: Pair of Northern Cardinal Birds

male and female Cardinals
Northern Cardinal (Cardinalis cardinalis)
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A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”

“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks myself.”
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A professor gathered the papers after a test and found a $100 bill attached to one of them with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”

When the professor returned the graded tests, the student got $64 change.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
New Definitions…
Read closely, and perhaps slowly, to understand…

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
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A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.

Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, “I’m going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!”

He then calls his dog over and says, “Bones! See the bones? Go get ’em!” The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton from animal bones.

The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. “That’s nothing,” he says. “Watch this.” He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. “Bones! Get the bones!” The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer’s dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.

The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. “My dog is smarter,” he says. “Watch.” He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply, “Bones.” The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.

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DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?

~ Favorite food –
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

~ After destruction of personal property –
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found

~ Favorite trick –
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead

~ Comic-page hero –
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert

~ Widely-ignored government mandate –
Dogs: leash law
Computers: Communications Decency Act

~ Waste disposal tool –
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: uninstaller

~ Unique behavior –
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click and drag

~ Estimated lifespan –
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months
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The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?”
“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny.

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?”
“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
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It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m not wearing underwear.” With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!”

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”

The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice!”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I misplaced my dictionary. Now I’m at a loss for words.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” – Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

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