Pages Menu
Categories Menu

February 28th

Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that’s no reason not to give it. – Agatha Christie


TODAY – FEBRUARY 28th 

59th day of the year with 306 days to follow (307 in leap years).
Holidays for Today:
~ Floral Design Day
~ National Chocolate Souffle Day
~ National Tooth Fairy Day – and/or August 22
~ Public Sleeping Day
~ Rare Disease Day (last day of February)
~ World Tailors Day
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 John Tenniel, England, cartoonist/illustrator (Alice in Wonderland)
  • 1901 Linus Pauling, Lake Oswego, Oregon, chemist and activist (among the first scientists to work in the fields of quantum chemistry and of molecular biology)
  • 1906 Bugsy Siegel, Brooklyn, New York, gangster (created casinos in Las Vegas)
  • 1930 Leon Neil Cooper, New York City, physicist (developed the BCS theory of superconductivity)
  • 1931 Gavin MacLeod, Mount Kisco, New York, actor (Murray / Mary Tyler Moore Show, Captain Merrill Stubing / Love Boat)
  • 1940 Mario Andretti, Italian-American race-car driver (1969 Indianapolis 500)
  • 1948 Steven Chu, St. Louis, Missouri, physicist. (Nobel 1997: laser cooling & trapping of atoms; biological systems at the single molecule level.)
  • 1942 Frank Bonner, Little Rock, Arkansas, actor (WKRP in Cincinnati )
  • 1944 Kelly Bishop, Colorado Springs, Colorado, actress (Gilmore Girls, Dirty Dancing, A Chorus Line)
  • 1970 Daniel Handler, San Francisco, California, author (pen name Lemony Snicket)
  • 1971 Maxine Bahns, Stowe, Vermont, actress (Cutaway )
  • 1974 Tangi Miller, Miami, Florida, actress (Felicity)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1784 John Wesley charters Methodist Church.
  • 1827 Baltimore & Ohio Railroad incorporated: first railroad in America offering commercial transportation of both people & freight.
  • 1849 Regular steamboat service from the west to the east coast of the United States begins with the arrival of the SS California in San Francisco Bay, 4 months 22 days after leaving New York Harbor.
  • 1854 The Republican Party of the United States is organized in Ripon, Wisconsin.
  • 1861 Colorado is organized as a United States territory.
  • 1885 The American Telephone and Telegraph Company is incorporated in New York State as the subsidiary of American Bell Telephone. (American Bell would later merge with its subsidiary.)
  • 1953 James D. Watson and Francis Crick announce to friends that they have determined the chemical structure of DNA; the formal announcement takes place on April 25 following publication in April Nature (pub. April 2).
  • 1983 Final TV episode of “MASH” airs (CBS); record 125 million watch.
  • 1993 US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) attempted to execute a search warrant at the Branch Davidian ranch near Waco, TX. An exchange of gunfire resulted in the deaths of four agents and six Davidians, and a subsequent 51-day siege.
  • 2013 Pope Benedict XVI resigns as the pope of the Catholic Church becoming the first pope to do so since 1415.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Remote Control Definitions by Gender . . .
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A BAD CASE OF LARGE NACHOS
By Suzanne Peppers

I have had a horrible case of Laryngitis for the past 8 days. I’m working hard to get over it. I have only had a little bit of voice for one day really. VERY frustrating. Then last Tuesday I was SO hungry…and I decided to stop at Carl’s Jr. fast food for lunch. I got inside and realized I would not be able to order easily without a voice. SO…I grabbed a napkin and wrote on it:

LARYNGITIS (underlined and bold)

Under that I wrote #18 (combo) & Medium Drink

I walked up to the counter and stood before a young lady that appeared to have been gifted with fewer brain cells than most. (Just a hunch.) I thought this might go badly. I handed her the napkin.

She looked past the napkin to my face and said, “To go or for here?”

I mouthed, “To go.”

She said, “What???”

This was not going to work. Again, I lifted the napkin to hand it to her. She repeated, “Is this to go or for here???” Frustrated, I began to WAVE the napkin in her face like a flag of surrender. She finally took it from my hand. She looked at my note and then, a bit indignant, looked right at me and said, “MA’AM, we don’t HAVE large nachos.”

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to laugh hysterically without a voice? Suddenly I realized I was suffering from a bad case of LARGE NACHOS…not Laryngitis!!!! Oh my. But wait…the best is yet to come. As I’m shaking my head, she turns to the girl next to her and says, ‘”Do we have large nachos?”

The other girl reads my note and says, “I think she can’t talk. Just ring up an 18 and a drink.” So she does.

But she continues the order process by looking down, away from me. I’m becoming a bit baffled at her lack of attention…till I realize she has a pen in her hand and is writing something on the napkin:

CHICKEN BEEF or PORK?

At this point I begin pounding on the counter to get her attention. She finally looks up at me and says, “WHAT?!”

I frantically point to my ears and mouth these words, “I CAN HEAR!!!!”

To which she begins to reply in writing again!!

I tapped her on the shoulder this time and mouthed again, “REALLY! I CAN HEAR! TALK TO ME!!!”

She became upset and said, “Well, I didn’t want you to have to say yes or no”…to which I replied (mouthing again), “I CAN NOD!!!!”

She took my money, handed me an order number and was done with me…all without speaking or saying thank you or even looking at me. After all, I had a bad case of large nachos and certainly could not understand anything she might say to me.

Copyright 2000 Suzanne Peppers. Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS:

~Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

~All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.

~ It was so windy this morning…” “How windy was it?”
“Well, let me tell you, it was so windy that when I went out to get the newspaper all the writing had blown off of it.”

~ Self-defense instructor: “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”
Student: “BIG ones.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. “Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said. “We’re not hurt.”

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy…this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Two trucks, loaded with thousands copies of Roget’s Thesaurus, collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied…
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Maremma Sheepdog and Llama

white dog and black llama
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Imagine this scene: God sitting on His thrown. A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like. God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.

He addresses the man, “Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point. Time is nothing to me here. But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don’t exist!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The story of Mary Poppins as a nanny is well known. Less well-known is her subsequent tale….

She traveled to Hollywood, where she opened a shop on Sunset Boulevard as a fortune-teller. Of course we already know she has supernatural powers, so it’s no surprise that she was quite skilled in fortune-telling, and her reputation grew rapidly.

She continued to tell fortunes, and found that in particular, she always received a very strong premonition whenever someone was about to have an onset of bad breath. Her predictions of this turned out to be accurate 100% of the time. In order to publicise her success at this, she had a large sign placed above her door, which read: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALES

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner…as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

William’s wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient’s nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

“Well,” William answered. “I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Please pay me in advance.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.

“Oh, aren’t you cute?” she says. “What would you like me to put on your telegram?”

“Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow,” the dog replies.

The clerk says in a cutesy voice, “But you can add another ‘Bow wow wow’ for the same price.”

The dog responds, “Now wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, “Rough Road.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: How quickly does the spiny mouse regenerate? The spiny mouse, when grabbed by a predator, will lose entire chunks of the its fur, skin, and underlying flesh. It will simply peel right off while the rest of the mouse scurries away, no worse for wear except for some icky holes in its body. It will then begin to heal its wounds almost immediately, taking only three days to begin growing back lost flesh and skin.

~What was Mr. Ed’s real name? Television’s Mr. Ed was played by a horse named Bamboo Harvester. The voice was supplied by Allan Lane.

~Which U.S. president has the shortest term? William Henry Harrison (1773-1841) was the first U.S. president to die while in office. At 32 days, he also had the shortest term in office.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. – Swedish proverb

Post a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.