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Humor for February 6th

Say what you want about aging, it’s still the only way to have old friends. – Robert Brault


TODAY – FEBRUARY 6th

37th day of the year with 328 days to follow (329 in leap years).

Holidays for Today:
~ National Chopsticks Day
~ National Lame Duck Day
~ Ronald Reagan Day (California)
~ Celebration of Chocolate Month
~ National Hot Breakfast Month
~ Sweet Potato Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1756 Aaron Burr, Newark, New Jersey, politician and 3rd Vice President of the United States (dueled with & killed Alexander Hamilton), tried of treason but acquitted
  • 1833 James Ewell Brown “J.E.B.” Stuart, Virginia, Civil War figure (Confederate States Army Calvary Commander)
  • 1895 Babe Ruth, Baltimore, Maryland, American major League baseball player (prolific hitter)
  • 1911 Ronald Reagan, Tampico, Illinois, 40th President of the United States (33rd Governor of California from 1967-1976), actor
  • 1917 Zsa Zsa Gábor, Hungarian-born actress (Moulin Rouge, Queen of Outer Space, Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, The Naked Gun 2½)
  • 1939 Mike Farrell, St. Paul, Minnesota, actor (The Interns, M*A*S*H, J.F.K.: A One-Man Show, Providence, The Red Road)
  • 1940 Tom Brokaw, Webster, South Dakota, NBC news anchorman and author (The Greatest Generation)
  • 1941 Spencer Silver, San Antonio, Texas, chemist (with Arthur Fry invented Post-it notes in 1970)
  • 1945 Bob Marley, Jamaican musician (reggae)
  • 1950 Natalie Cole, Los Angeles, California, R&B singer
  • 1960 Megan Gallagher, Reading, Pennsylvania, actress (Hill Street Blues, The Slap Maxwell Story, China Beach, The Larry Sanders Show, Millennium, Contagion)
  • 1977 Josh Stewart, Diana, West Virginia, actor (Third Watch, Dirt, Criminal Minds, No Ordinary Family, Transcendence, The Punisher, Lewis and Clark)

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“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” – Corrie ten Boom

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1778 The Treaty of Alliance and the Treaty of Amity and Commerce are signed in France by the United States and France signaling official recognition of the new republic.
  • 1820 The American Colonization Society sponsored a settlement in present-day Liberia with the first 86 African American immigrants.
  • 1843 The first minstrel show in the United States, The Virginia Minstrels, opens (Bowery Amphitheatre in New York City).
  • 1862 The U.S. Navy gives the Union its first victory of the American Civil War, capturing Fort Henry, Tennessee, in the Battle of Fort Henry.
  • 1899 The Treaty of Paris, a peace treaty between the United States and Spain to end the Spanish-American War, is ratified by the United States Senate.
  • 1933 The 20th Amendment to the United States Constitution, establishing the beginning and ending of the terms of the elected federal offices, goes into effect.
  • 1951 A Pennsylvania Railroad passenger train, The Broker, derails near Woodbridge Township, New Jersey. The accident kills 85 people and injures over 500 more. The wreck is one of the worst rail disasters in American history.
  • 1959 The first patent for an integrated circuit is filed by Jack Kilby of Texas Instruments.
  • 1996 Floods in the Willamette Valley of Oregon, United States, causes over $500 million in property damage throughout the Pacific Northwest.
  • 1998 Washington National Airport is renamed Ronald Reagan National Airport.
  • 2018 SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy, a super heavy launch vehicle, makes its maiden flight.

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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ONE-LINERS: Collective Nouns For Doctors

~ A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists
~ A Hive of Allergists
~ A Press of Dental Hygienists

~ A Carvery of Surgeons
~ A Golf-cart of Private-physicians
~ A Growth of Oncologists

~ A Vision of Optometrists
~ An Insanity of Psychologists

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What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They’re totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They’re moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.
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But then there’s this…

Women and Cats

I’ve never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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In Honor of Lame Duck Day: Goose and Duck

goose and duck
Thankfully, not a lame duck! 🙂
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For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: “Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn’t do!” ”

I suppose,” the husband responded dryly, “we could clean the house.”
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Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software.”

A minute later, I got this reply: “Mine must be dephective.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“I’m going down to the coffee shop to do some Web browsing.”

“I’ll grab my laptop and go with you.”

“I’m sorry. Women aren’t allowed. They got broad banned.”

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At our family picnic, my mother insisted that I had to wash my hands before eating. I protested that they weren’t dirty and that the rest rooms were far away, but Mother prevailed (as they always do) and I went and washed up.

Later, as I was standing with a full plate of food, my hamburger slid off the plate and onto the grass. Understandably distressed, I said, “Mo-o-om!” and started to tear up.

My mother said, “Oh, pick it up. A little dirt never hurt anyone.”

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I was in New York’s Grand Central Terminal on my way to Connecticut. I was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford. Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, “Do I need to change?”

“No,” he replied immediately. “You’re fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated.”

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While browsing in a Christian bookstore one day, I discovered a shelf of reduced price clearance items. Among the gifts was a lovely little figurine of a man and woman, their heads tilted toward one another. “Happy 10th Anniversary” read the inscription.

It appeared to be in perfect condition, yet its tag indicated “damaged.” Examining it more closely, I found
another tag underneath: “Wife is coming unglued.”

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I went to a VA hospital for a heart bypass operation and discovered that my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.

“What a name for a doctor,” I said.

He agreed. “You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIASince its Lame Duck Day, let’s talk about ducks.

~ A baby duck is called a duckling, and an adult male is a drake.

~ An adult female duck is called a hen or a duck, and a group of ducks can be called a raft, team or paddling.

~ All ducks have highly waterproof feathers that even when the duck dives underwater, its downy under layer of feathers will stay completely dry.

~ Most duck species are monogamous for a breeding season but they do not mate for life.

~ Only very few ducks actually “quack.”

~ There are more than 40 breeds of domestic duck. The white Pekin duck (also called the Long Island duck) is the most common variety raised for eggs and meat.

~ The two most famous fictional ducks are Disney’s Donald Duck, who premiered in 1934, and Warner Bros.’ Daffy Duck, who premiered in 1937.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: There are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something – Thomas A. Edison.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him. – Sidney Greenberg

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