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February 8

Kind of busy with medical issues right now,
so it’s going to be the “lite” version of humor for a while…

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Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children’s sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, “May I have all of the children?”

As the children walked forward, several parents responded, “Yes.”

One quick-witted father asked, “For how long?”
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The new bride called her mother in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meatloaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for Jim because he loves meatloaf. What could have gone wrong?”

“Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it
out.”

“Okay. It starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef …'”
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Maturity – Useful Advice!

~ I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
~ As I’ve Matured… I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
~ I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

~ I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.
~ I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
~ I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more screwed up than you think.

~ I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
~ I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
~ I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

~ I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
~ I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
~ I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

~ I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
~ I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
~ Finally, I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy it!
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WORD OF THE DAY: autochthonous (o-TOK-thuh-nuhs)

MEANING:
adjective:
1. Aboriginal; indigenous.
2. Formed or originating in the place where found.

ETYMOLOGY:
From Greek autochthon (of the land itself), from auto- (self) + chthon (earth, land). Ultimately from the Indo-European root dhghem- (earth), which also sprouted human, homicide, humble, homage, chamomile, exhume, inhume, chthonic, disinter, chameleonic, and Persian zamindar (landholder). Earliest documented use: 1804. The opposite of this term is allochthonous.

USAGE:
“As if this were a holy place, a shrine where the autochthonous tribes had gathered to worship.”
T.C. Boyle; The Women; Viking; 2009.
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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.

The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you – what’s with the pocket business?”

The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”
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A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, “Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I’ll get it for you.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.” With that the physician left.

The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

“Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn’t have swimming pools, and I didn’t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they’re all ready for you now!”
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KIND OF PUNNY….

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.

The agents will be called “Pseudo Feds.”
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Kids are smarter than they used to be. And they do say the dandiest things! Check out the following wisecracks and wisdom and you be the judge!

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That’s impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
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On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”

Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”
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QUIP: I went to the bank and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me.

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LIFE LESSON: Never expose yourself unnecessarily to danger; a miracle may not save you…and if it does, it will be deducted from your share of luck or merit. – The Talmud

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