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January 1st

Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.  – Wayne Dyer

TODAY – JANUARY 1st

1st day of 2018 with 364 days to follow.



Holidays for Today:
~ New Year’s Day
~ Bloody Mary Day
~ Emancipation Day
~ Global Family Day
~ National Hangover Day
~ Polar Bear Swim Day (Canada and United States)
~ Public Domain Day
~ 8th day of the Twelve Days of Christmas
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1735 Paul Revere, Boston, Massachusetts, patriot in American Revolution (alerted Colonial militia “the British are coming”)
  • 1752 Betsy Ross, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, seamstress (credited with making first American flag)
  • 1874 Gustave Whitehead, German-American pilot and engineer (claimed flights before Wright brothers)
  • 1879 E. M. Forster, English author (A Room with a View, A Passage to India)
  • 1895 J. Edgar Hoover, Washington, D.C., first Director of American FBI
  • 1919 J. D. Salinger, New York City, NY, author (A Catcher in the Rye)
  • 1938 Frank Langella, Bayonne, New Jersey, actor (The Ninth Gate, Superman Returns, Frost/Nixon, Robot & Frank, The Americans)
  • 1951 Martha P. Haynes, Boston, Massachusetts, astronomer (used radio telescopes to map distribution of galaxies)
  • 1969 Morris Chestnut, Cerritos, California, actor (Boyz in the Hood, The Best Man, The Brothers, V, Think Like A Man, Rosewood)
  • 1969 Verne Troyer, Sturgis, Michigan, actor and stuntman (2’8″ tall, played Mini-Me in Austin Powers films, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus)
  • 1987 Meryl Davis, Royal Oak, Michigan, ice dancer (World Champion 2011, 2013; Four Continents champion 2009, 2011, 2013; U.S. National champion 2009-2014); winner of 18th season of Dancing with the Stars
  • 1999 Diamond White, Detroit, Michigan, actress and singer (The X Factor, Phineas and Ferb, Sofia the First, Haunted Hathaways,  Transformers: Rescue Bots, Pinky Malinky)

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Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. – Thich Nhat Hanh
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1772 The first traveler’s cheques, which can be used in 90 European cities, go on sale in London, England, Great Britain.
  • 1773 The hymn that became known as “Amazing Grace”, then titled “1 Chronicles 17:16–17” is first used to accompany a sermon led by John Newton in the town of Olney, England.
  • 1847 The world’s first “Mercy” Hospital is founded in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by the Sisters of Mercy, the name will go on to grace over 30 major hospitals throughout the world.
  • 1863 Daniel Freeman makes the first claim under the Homestead Act for a farm in Nebraska.
  • 1890 The Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena, California, is first held.
  • 1898 New York, New York annexes land from surrounding counties, creating the City of Greater New York. The four initial boroughs, Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, and The Bronx, are joined on January 25 by Staten Island to create the modern city of five boroughs.
  • 1962 United States Navy SEALs established.
  • 1971 Cigarette advertisements are banned on American television.
  • 1983 The ARPANET officially changes to using the Internet Protocol, creating the Internet.
  • 1984 The original American Telephone & Telegraph Company is divested of its 22 Bell System companies as a result of the settlement of the 1974 United States Department of Justice antitrust suit against AT&T.

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My family was very proud of our ancestors, so much so that we hired an author to write a book about our family history.

Horror of horrors! The author discovered that great-grand-uncle Oscar was a horse thief who had been sent to Montana Territorial Prison, escaped and robbed the Montana Flyer. He was caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in the town square.

Worse, great-uncle Fess had been convicted of murder and died in the electric chair.

We were devastated. We didn’t want that in the book, but we didn’t want to leave these two “black sheep” out either.

The author said, “Leave it to me.”

When the book came out, the part about Oscar said:

“Oscar was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.His Business Empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. He devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. Later he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. He passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

The section on Fess read:

“Fess was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock.”

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like MUD!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

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ONE-LINERS:

~ A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable?’ The man says, ‘I make a good living.’

~ I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

~ I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

~ Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

~ We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

~ My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.

~ She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

~ The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

~ The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’

~ Doctor: You’ll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?

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There was a pretty Nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.
“Do you mean to say,” exclaimed Cindy, “that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents ?”
“Not only that,” said Carol, “He sent me a bill for 37 visits.”

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pic of the day: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, he refused… told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

“So,” I said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

He just looked at me and said, “I stand corrected.”

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Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn’t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up — she’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, “No, the Bungee cord was fine…It was the crowd. What the heck is a pinata?!”

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Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please.” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.”No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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IF HOLLYWOOD WROTE PROVERBS…
* Cleanliness – and a “G” rating – are next to Godliness.
* Karo Syrup with food coloring is thicker than water.
* To err is human, to be forgiven is good PR.
* A gross point negotiated is a gross point earned.
* You can get more of what you want with a kind word and $20 million than you can with just a kind word.
* A rehab stint in time saves nine (days in the slammer).
* ‘Tis better to have been filmed and panned than never to have filmed at all.
* If at first you don’t succeed, do a sequel anyway.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many meteors have struck the Earth?  Estimates are that at least a million meteors have hit Earth’s land surface, which is only 25 percent of the planet. Every last trace of more than 99 percent of the craters thus formed has vanished, erased by the effects of wind, water and living things.

~ Were baker’s marks the first? In 1266 A.D., English bakers were ordered to mark each loaf of bread so that if a faulty one turned up, “it will be knowne in whom the faulte lies.” The bakers’ marks were among the first trademarks.

~What was the Bandito’s schtick? Part of the Frito Bandito campaign had a song that featured these lyrics, sung to the tune of “Cielito Lindo”:

Aye, yii, yii, yiiii,
I am dee Frito Bandito.
I love Frito’s Corn Chips,
I love dem I do.
I love Frito’s Corn Chips,
I take dem from you.
(Especially for you.)

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children – Samuel Butler

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. – Harriet Beecher Stowe

(you can read more about the Frito Bandito here.)

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