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July 11th

May you live all the days of your life. – Jonathan Swift

TODAY – JULY 11th

192nd day of the year (193rd in leap years) with 173 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Cheer up the Lonely Day
~ National Blueberry Muffin Day
~ National Mojito Day
~ World Population Day
~ Free Slurpee Day (At participating stores of the 7-Eleven chain in North America between 11 a.m. and 7 p.m.)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1767 John Quincy Adams, Quincy, Maine, 6th President (D) (1825-1829)
  • 1834 James Abbott McNeill Whistler, American-English painter (Whistler’s Mother)
  • 1882 Jim White, Mason County, Texas, cowboy, guano miner, spelunker, park ranger (discover & explorer of Carlsbad Caverns)
  • 1899 E.B. White, Mount Vernon, New York, author (Charlotte’s Web, Elements of Style)
  • 1931 Tab Hunter, New York City, NY, actor and singer (Damn Yankee, The Life & Times of Judge Roy Bean, Polyester, Grease 2, Wild Bill)
  • 1953 Mindy Sterling, Paterson, New Jersey, actress (Frau Farbissina in Austin Powers movies, iCarly, A.N.T. Farm, Legit, Con Man)
  • 1956 Sela Ward, Meridian, Mississippi, actress (Sisters, Once and Again, CSI: NY, Independence Day: Resurgence, Graves)
  • 1966 Greg Grunberg, Los Angeles, California, actor (Felicity, Lost, Alias, Heroes, Heroes Reborn, Burning Dog, Paterno)
  • 1967 Jeff Corwin, Norwell, Massachusetts, conservationist (The Jeff Corwin Experience, Corwin’s Quest)
  • 1970 Justin Chambers, Springfield, Ohio, actor (Grey’s Anatomy, Cold Case, Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox)
  • 1972 Michael Rosenbaum, Oceanside, New York, actor (Lex Luthor on Smallville, Justice League,  Jackie Chan Adventures, Breaking In, Impastor, Hunted)
  • 1990 Connor Paolo, New York City, New York, actor (One Life To Live, World Trade Center, Gossip Girl, Revenge, Like Lambs, Outlaw)

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If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – The Dalai Lama
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1796 The United States takes possession of Detroit from Great Britain under terms of the Jay Treaty.
  • 1798 The United States Marine Corps is re-established; they had been disbanded after the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr kills Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel.
  • 1859 A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is published.
  • 1859 Westminster’s Big Ben rang for the first time in London.
  • 1914 Babe Ruth debuts in Major league baseball.
  • 1921 Former US President William Howard Taft sworn in as 10th Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, becoming the only person to ever be both President and Chief Justice.
  • 1960 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee is first published.
  • 1962 First transatlantic satellite television transmission.
  • 1977 Martin Luther King Jr. is posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • 1979 The space station Skylab returns to Earth.
  • 2012 Discovery of Styx, the fifth moon of Pluto announced by astronomers.

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the Orangutan was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked him, “Why are you reading both those books/’
”Well,” said the Orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
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ONE-LINERS: A Cowboy’s Guide to Life
~ Don’t squat with your spurs on.
~ Don’t interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.
~ When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still back there.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
~ And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
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It was the beginning of December and a weary man was headed home after a business trip. The airport was decorated with red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and “pointier” parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”
(pause)
“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale. From there you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“That’s not why it’s there.”
(pause)
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
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Useful words that ought to exist:
1) Begathon – Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle – Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos®.
3) Crummox – Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg – Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn – Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
~ A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
~ Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
~ Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
~ When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O Mg!”
~ I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
~ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
~ I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
~ Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
~ Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

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Top Ten Things NOT To Say on Your Anniversary. . .

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our *what*?

8. Do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events.

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You never like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

… and the Number One Thing NOT To Say on Your Anniversary:

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
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NASA planned a mission that involved three astronauts spending two years in space. Because of the extended duration, each was allowed to take 200 pounds of baggage, with no restrictions.

The first astronaut took his wife.

The second took books to learn how to speak German.

The third astronaut, an airhead, took 200 pounds of cigarettes.

Two years later, when the spacecraft landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. The first astronaut and his wife each had a baby in their arms.

The second astronaut spoke fluent German.

The airhead astronaut appeared with a cigarette in his mouth.
He snarled to the crowd and shouted, “Anybody got a match?”
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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

“Waiter,” he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?”

“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was the original name of 7-Eleven stores? The company’s first outlets were named “Tote’m Stores” because customers “toted” away their purchases.

~ How was the Slurpee invented? A man named Omar Knedlik unintentionally created the Slurpee in 1959. He owned a Dairy Queen franchise in Kansas that did not have a soda fountain. He would place bottles of soda in the freezer to keep the drinks cool and serve these semi-frozen beverages to his customers, who loved the icy drinks. Knedlik began experimenting with an automobile air conditioner in an attempt to create the frozen soda treat more quickly. After five years of perfecting the process, Knedlik had created just what he imagined: a sophisticated machine that could make frozen, carbonated drinks quickly. This accidental drink eventually became known as the “ICEE,” and, then later, the “Slurpee” that we know and love.

~ What are most popular Slurpee flavors? Coca-Cola and Wild Cherry! But no worries if you don’t like those flavors. There are many other flavors available depending on the store location, including dragon fruit, watermelon, and sour green apple. In Canada, they have bubblegum and cappuccino; Australian options include ginger beer, honeydew melon, watermelon-lime, and fruit salad.

~ Are Slurpee drinks available in all U.S. states? Technically yes, except that in Oklahoma, the partially frozen soft drink is still called the original name, an Icee Drink.

~ Why are 7-Eleven stores in Oklahoma different? The convenience stores owned and operated by 7-Eleven Stores of Oklahoma are the only independently owned stores that carry the 7-Eleven brand, thanks to a special arrangement made in 1953 between owner William “Bill” Brown and 7-Eleven Inc. The Oklahoma stores are neither licensees nor franchisees of the national chain, but are totally independent. Besides the different name for Slurpee drinks, Oklahoma stores have a proprietary bakery called 7th Heaven.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: You cannot make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have. – Doris Mortman

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