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July 18th

Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it. – Salma Hayek


TODAY – JULY 18th

199th day of the year (200th in leap years) with 166 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Caviar Day
~ National Sour Candy Day
~ Nelson Mandela International Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1913 Red Skelton, Vincennes, Indiana, comedian (Clem Kadiddlehopper, Freddie the Freeloader)
  • 1918 Nelson Mandela, Union of South Africa, President of South Africa from 1994-1999 (imprisoned for 27 years, winner of Nobel Peace Prize)
  • 1921 John H Glenn Jr, Cambridge, Ohio, Col USMC astronaut (Mercury 6, Sen-D-OH) oldest person in space (1998: Discovery STS-95)
  • 1923 Jerome H. Lemelson, Staten Island, New York, inventor (famous for his submarine patents)
  • 1926 Margaret Laurence, Manitoba, Canada, author (The Stone Angel, The Diviners, A Jest of God)
  • 1940 James Brolin, Los Angeles, California, actor (Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Westworld, Capricorn One, Dr. Steven Kiley on Marcus Welby, M.D., The West Wing, Life in Pieces)
  • 1941 Martha Reeves, Eufaula, Alabama, singer (Martha and the Vandellas)
  • 1947 Steve Forbes, Morristown, New Jersey, entrepreneur and politician (Forbes magazine)
  • 1954 Ricky Skaggs, Lawrence County, Kentucky, country & bluegrass singer and musician (Toy Hearts, 2 Different Worlds)
  • 1961 Elizabeth McGovern, Evanston, Illinois, actress (Ordinary People, Ragtime, Johnny Handsome, Downton Abbey)
  • 1967 Vin Diesel, New York City, New York, actor (The Fast and the Furious, Pitch Black, Chronicles of Riddick, Saving Private Ryan, Babylon AD, The Last Witch Hunter, Guardians of the Galaxy 2)
  • 1980 Kristen Bell, Huntington Woods, Michigan, actress (Polish Wedding, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl, Heroes, Frozen, Zootopia, The Good Place)

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You can’t be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time. – Sara B. Cooper
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1914 The U.S. Congress forms the Aviation Section, U.S. Signal Corps, giving definite status to aircraft within the U.S. Army for the first time.
  • 1925 Adolf Hitler publishes his personal manifesto Mein Kampf.
  • 1955 The first Disneyland theme park, in Anaheim, California, officially opens to the public.
  • 1966 Gemini 10 launched.
  • 1968 The Intel Corporation is founded in Santa Clara, California.
  • 1984 McDonald’s massacre in San Ysidro, California: in a fast-food restaurant, James Oliver Huberty opens fire, killing 21 people and injuring 19 others before being shot dead by police.
  • 1986 A tornado is broadcast live on KARE television in Minnesota when the station’s helicopter pilot makes a chance encounter.
  • 1995 On the Caribbean island of Montserrat, the Soufriere Hills volcano erupts. Over the course of several years, it devastates the island, destroying the capital and forcing most of the population to flee.
  • 2013 The Government of Detroit, with up to $20 billion in debt, files for the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history.

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A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, ” ‘Bout what? ”
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Two Irishmen visiting the US are getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one says, “I’m takin’ along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you takin’?”
“Two rattlesnakes.”
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“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.”
An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
“Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously.
“Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”
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ONE-LINERS: DAFFYNITIONS

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.
~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
~ Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.
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Last December, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.”

She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?
To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”
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“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
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PIC OF THE DAY: Monarch Butterfly

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Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do.

Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.
For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?
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A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

“There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ Microbe: What you wear to speak before a large audience
~ Horsehair: A rabbit with laryngitis
~ Misinform: A young lady who works out to stay in shape
~ Migraine: The wheat belong to me
~ Shampoo: a fake toy bear
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His wife’s grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there…’
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Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”
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A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, “Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”
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John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing.
Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game.
“No, no,” he replied, “I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd.”

“So why are you so beat?” his wife asked.
“Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole,” he said.
“What?!? And you’re so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?”
“No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could’ve done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George…”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How did malaria get its name? 
Malaria, we know now, is caused by germs carried by mosquitoes. But before anyone knew that, it was believed that evil spirits in the night air caused the disease. Hence, the name “malaria” means “bad air.”

~ Why did Shirley need to remain sober?
When 7-year-old Shirley Temple’s life was insured with Lloyd’s, the contract stipulated that no benefits would be paid if the child film star met with death or injury while intoxicated.

~ How does the chuckwalla escape?
A type of lizard, the chuckwalla, escapes pursuers by crawling into a crack in a rock and inflating its body with air so that it is wedged tightly into the crack and can’t be pulled out.

~ Which dog is fastest?
The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of up to 45 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt more than 5,000 years ago.

~ When did women start to wear diamonds?
During the middle ages, only men wore diamonds, as a symbol of their courage and virility. However, since 1477, when Archduke Maximilian of Austria gave a diamond ring to Mary of Burgundy, diamonds have been the gem of choice for men who wanted to melt a woman’s heart.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions – ‘If I had my life to live over, I’d do it all the same. – Joan McIntosh

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