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July 22nd

If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. – Latin Proverb


TODAY – JULY 22nd

203rd day of the year (204th in leap years) with 162 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Hammock Day
~ National Penuche Fudge Day
~ Pi Approximation Day
~ Ratcatcher’s Day
~ Spoonerism Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1844 Rev William Archibald Spooner, London, England, priest and scholar, invented “spoonerisms”
  • 1849 Emma Lazarus, New York City, New York, poet (“The New Colossus”- base of Statue of Liberty)
  • 1893 Karl Menninger, Topeka, Kansas, psychiatrist (Dean of American Psychiatry)
  • 1898 Alexander Calder, Lawnton, Pennsylvania, sculptor (Invented the mobile, a kinetic sculpture with balanced or suspended parts)
  • 1898 Stephen Vincent Benet, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, writer/poet (John Brown’s Body, The Devil & Daniel Webster)
  • 1908 Amy Vanderbilt, NYC, New York, authority on etiquette (Complete Book of Etiquette)
  • 1914 Edward (Rolke) Farber, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, pioneer in electronic lighting (inventor of flash for cameras)
  • 1928 Orson Bean, Burlington, Vermont, actor/comedian (I’ve Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth)
  • 1934 Louise Fletcher, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Picket Fences, Kai Winn Adami in Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
  • 1936 Tom Robbins, Blowing Rock, North Carolina, author (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Another Roadside Attraction)
  • 1940 Alex Trebek, Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, TV game host (High Rollers, Jeopardy)
  • 1946 Danny Glover, San Francisco, California, actor (Lonesome Dove, Predator 2, Lethal Weapon, The Prince of Egypt, Fallen Angel)
  • 1955 William Dafoe, Appleton, Wisconsin, actor (Platoon, Roadhouse 66, Mississippi Burning)
  • 1965 Patrick Laborteaux, Los Angeles, California, actor (Little House on Prairie, JAG, 3 Ninjas)
  • 1967 Irene Bedard, Anchorage, Alaska, actress (Lakota Woman: Siege at Wounded Knee, Pocahontas, Into the West, Greasewood Flat)
  • 1972 Colin Ferguson, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, actor (Eureka, Lake Placid 3, Then Came You)
  • 1996 Skyler Gisondo, Palm Beach County, Florida, actor (The Bill Engvall Show, Halloween, B-Dawg voice on Air Buddies series)

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“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1587 An attempt to re-establish the deserted Roanoke colony on Roanoke Island (off North Carolina) is made as a second group of English settlers arrive.
  • 1686 Governor Thomas Dongan formally charters Albany, New York as a municipality.
  • 1796 Connecticut Land Company surveyors named an area in Ohio “Cleveland” after Gen. Moses Cleaveland, the superintendent of the surveying party.
  • 1894 In France the first ever motor race is held between the cities of Paris and Rouen. The fastest finisher was the Comte Jules-Albert de Dion, but The ‘official’ victory was awarded to Albert Lemaître driving his 3 hp petrol engined Peugeot.
  • 1916 A bomb exploded on Market Street in San Francisco, California, during a Preparedness Day parade killing 10 and injuring 40.
  • 1933 The first person to fly solo around the world was Wiley Post. He traveled 15,596 miles (25,099 km) in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes.
  • 1934 “Public Enemy No. 1” John Dillinger is mortally wounded outside Chicago’s Biograph Theater by FBI agents.
  • 1942 Compulsory civilian gasoline rationing due to the wartime demands starts in the United States.
  • 1942 As part of the Holocaust, the systematic deportation of Jews from the Warsaw Ghetto begins.
  • 1983 First solo helicopter flight around the world completed by Dick Smith.
  • 1989 Tony Aliengena became youngest pilot to complete flight around the world at age 11 years.
  • 1991 After police discover human remains in Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment in Milwaukee, he is arrested.

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Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.
“Hey, aren’t you those three escaped convicts?”, asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said “no, I’m Mark, Mark Spencer.”
“The second followed his lead and said “My names is William, W H Smith.”

The third said “My name is Ken… Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!”
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My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father’s hand. “Don’t congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had a baby girl.”
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ONE-LINERS:

~ Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you’re doing.
~ Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

~ Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.
~ It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

~ Help! My Reality Check bounced.
~ How can there be self-help “groups”?

~ Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
~ How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
~ It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

~ what kind of cruel, demented person put an “s” in lisp?
~ Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I
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A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together — he’d been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?
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No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call.

“Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.
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pic of the day: Here’s Your Sign…

sign on animal enclosure
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During late spring one year, an airhead was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
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Once upon a time the Government had a large scrap yard. Congress was concerned that someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position
and hired two people: one GS-12 to write the instructions and one GS-11 to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a quality
control position and hired two people, a GS-9 to do the studies and a GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created jobs for a timekeeper (GS-9) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.

~ Where did the little king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

~ Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lemonade.
Lemonade Who?
Lemonade me introduce you to my friend!
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The Third Biggest Lie: Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world’s third-biggest lie — right after “The check is in the mail” and “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.” Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

– “You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.”
– “Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height.”
– “It’s a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock.”

– “You don’t look a day over 40.”
– “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning.”
– “Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study.”

– “It’s delicious, but I can’t eat another bite.”
– “The new ownership won’t affect you. The company will remain the same.”
– “The puppy won’t be any trouble, Mom. I promise I’ll take care of it myself.”

– “Your hair looks just fine.”
– “Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there.”
– “You don’t need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee.”
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I? ”
Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”
“WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
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GOLDEN OLDIE. . . I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is Pi Approximation Day?
This holiday is observed on July 22 (22/7 in the day/month format), since the fraction ​22⁄7 is a common approximation of π (pi), which is accurate to two decimal places and dates from Archimedes.

~ What is Ratcatcher’s Day about?
It commemorates the myth of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. In the poem by Robert Browning, the Pied Piper led the children out of the town on 22 July 1376.

~ What is a Spoonerism?
It is an error in speech or a deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes (smallest meaningful unit in a language) are switched between two words in a phrase. For example saying ‘The Lord is a shoving leopard’ instead of ‘The Lord is a loving shepherd’ or ‘There goes a runny babbit’ instead of ‘There goes a bunny rabbit’.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. – Ronald Reagan

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . First, have a definite, clear practical ideal; a goal, an objective. Second, have the necessary means to achieve your ends; wisdom, money, materials, and methods. Third, adjust all your means to that end. – Aristotle

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