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July 23rd

You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing, no one to blame. – Erica Jong

TODAY – JULY 23rd

204th day of the year (205th in leap years) with 161 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Hot Enough For Ya Day
~ National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
~ Gorgeous Grandma Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1888 Raymond Chandler, Chicago, Illinois, author (The Big Sleep, The Long Goodbye, Farewell My Lovely, The Lady in the Lake)
  • 1943 Randall Forsberg, Huntsville, Alabama, scientist (founder of Institute for Defense & Disarmament Studies and Nuclear Weapons Freeze Campaign)
  • 1947 Gardner Dozois, Salem, Massachusetts, author & editor (Founding editor of The Year’s Best Science Fiction anthologies)
  • 1960 Susan Graham, Roswell, New Mexico, mezzo-soprano
  • 1961 Michael Durant, Berlin, New Hampshire, Army pilot (captured by Somali; held for 11 days) and author (In the Company of Heroes)
  • 1961 Woody Harrelson, Midland, Texas, actor (A Prairie Home Companion, True Detective, Solo: A Star Wars Story )
  • 1962 Eriq La Salle, Hartford, Connecticut, actor (Coming to America, ER, Logan)
  • 1967 Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fairport, New York, actor (Scent of a Woman, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Cold Mountain, Charlie Wilson’s War, Mission Impossible III, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay)
  • 1970 Charisma Carpenter, Las Vegas, Nevada, actress (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, The Expendables)
  • 1971 Alison Krauss, Decatur, Illinois, singer-songwriter and fiddler (Alison Krauss and Union Station)
  • 1974 Kathryn Hahn, Westchester, Illinois, actress (Crossing Jordan, Tomorrowland, Hotel Transylvania 3)
  • 1982 Paul Wesley, New Brunswick, New Jersey, actor (The Vampire Diaries, Fallen, Tell Me a Story)
  • 1996 Rachel G. Fox, Lawrenceville, Georgia, actress (Desperate Housewives, The Ant Bully, Spork)

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“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.” – Maurice Switzer
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1829 In the United States, William Austin Burt patents the typographer, a precursor to the typewriter.
  • 1903 The Ford Motor Company sells its first car.
  • 1926 Fox Film buys the patents of the Movietone sound system for recording sound onto film.
  • 1940 The United States’ Under Secretary of State Sumner Welles issues a declaration on the U.S. non-recognition policy of the Soviet annexation and incorporation of three Baltic States: Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania.
  • 1962 Telstar relays the first publicly transmitted, live trans-Atlantic television program, featuring Walter Cronkite.
  • 1967 12th Street Riot: in Detroit, Michigan, one of the worst riots in United States history begins on 12th Street in the predominantly African American inner city. It eventually left 43 killed, 342 injured and 1,400 buildings burned.
  • 1972 Landsat 1, the first Earth-resources satellite, is launched by the United States.
  • 1982 Outside Santa Clarita, California, actor Vic Morrow and two children are killed when a helicopter crashes onto them while shooting a scene from Twilight Zone: The Movie.
  • 1984 Vanessa Williams becomes the first Miss America to resign when she surrenders her crown after nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse magazine.
  • 1986 In London, Prince Andrew, Duke of York marries Sarah Ferguson at Westminster Abbey.
  • 1995 Comet Hale-Bopp is discovered; it will become visible to the naked eye nearly a year later.
  • 2015 NASA announces discovery of Kepler-452b by Kepler.

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“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”
“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”
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Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”
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ONE-LINERS: Animal Truisms. . .
~ A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
~ An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
~ Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

~ Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
~ Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
~ Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

~ Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
~ Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
~ Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”
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On her 97th birthday, a British lady received many letters and cards of congratulations, including one from the prime minister congratulating her on her 107th birthday.
The next year as her birthday approached, she was asked by a casual acquaintance how old she’d be.
“I really don’t know,” she replied. “I haven’t heard from the government yet.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
“My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman.
“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.
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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage.
A police spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome’s sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
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Vermont Dumb Laws
– Whistling underwater is illegal
– At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
– Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
– It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
– Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- – on Saturday night.
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is Baker’s Chocolate for baking? Not necessarily — In the year 1780, John Hannon, with the financial help of Dr. James Baker, started the first chocolate factory in the U.S. in Dorchester, Massachusetts. Dr. Baker later founded Baker’s Chocolate.

~ Where did pajamas come from? The English word “pajamas” has its origin in Persian. It is a combination of the Persian words pa (leg) and jamah (garment).

~ How long have Girl Scouts sold cookies? One of the activities Girl Scouts are best known for is their annual Cookie Sale — a program and fund-raising activity that has become an American tradition. During the early 1930s, Girl Scout troops conducted various fund raisers to support their activities. One fund-raising activity that took place in many U.S. communities was the baking and selling of homemade cookies. In 1936, Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. negotiated its first contract with a commercial baker, which generated an increase in Girl Scout Cookie sales.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. – Robert Wilensky

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

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