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July 31st

Believe you can and you’re halfway there. – Theodore Roosevelt


TODAY – JULY 31st

212th day of the year (213th in leap years) with 153 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Avocado Day
~ National Jump for Jelly Beans Day
~ National Mutt Day
~ National Raspberry Cake Day
~ Ka Hae Hawaiʻi Day (Flag Day in Hawaii)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1803 John Ericsson, Värmland, Sweden, inventor and engineer (best for designing the steam locomotive Novelty)
  • 1867 S. S. Kresge, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, businessman (founded Kmart)
  • 1921 Peter Benenson, British lawyer and activist (founder of Amnesty International)
  • 1929 Don Murray, Hollywood, California, actor (Bus Stop, A Hatful of Rain, Advise & Consent, The Outcasts, Knots Landing)
  • 1944 Geraldine Chaplin, Santa Monica, California, actress (Dr. Zhivago, Nashville, Welcome to L.A., Chaplin)
  • 1950 Steve Miller, Baltimore, Maryland, author (Liaden universe series: Agent of Change, Plan B, Crystal Dragon, Ghost Ship)
  • 1952 Faye Kellerman, St. Louis, Missouri, author (Peter Decker & Rina Lazarus series: Sacred and Profane, Hangman)
  • 1956 Lynne Rae Perkins, Cheswick, Pennsylvania, children’s author and illustrator (Criss Cross, Home Lovely, All Alone in the Universe)
  • 1962 Wesley Snipes, Orlando, Florida, martial artist, actor (Blade), and producer
  • 1965 J. K. Rowling, British author (Harry Potter series)
  • 1966 Dean Cain, Mount Clemens, Michigan, actor (Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman)
  • 1968 Mark Cuban, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, businessman, investor, and author (Owns Dallas Mavericks, investor on Shark Tank, wrote How to Win at the Sport of Business, 5th season of Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1969 Loren Dean, Las Vegas, Nevada, actor (Plain Clothes, Starstruck, Mumford, Apollo 13, Gattaca, The War Bride)

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Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. – Jimi Hendrix

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1790 The very first U.S. patent is issued: to inventor Samuel Hopkins for a potash process.
  • 1865 The first narrow gauge mainline railway in the world opens at Grandchester, Australia.
  • 1930 The radio mystery program The Shadow airs for the first time.
  • 1931 New York City experimental television station W2XAB (now known as WCBS) begins broadcasts.
  • 1940 A doodlebug train in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio collides with a multi-car freight train heading in the opposite direction, killing 43 people.
  • 1971 Apollo 15 astronauts become the first to ride in a lunar rover.
  • 1973 A Delta Air Lines jetliner, flight DL 723 crashes while landing in fog at Logan Airport, Boston, Massachusetts killing 89.
  • 1987 A rare, class F4 tornado rips through Edmonton, Alberta, killing 27 people and causing $330 million in damage.
  • 2006 Fidel Castro hands over power temporarily to brother Raúl Castro.
  • 2007 Operation Banner, the presence of the British Army in Northern Ireland, and the longest-running British Army operation ever, comes to an end.
  • 2012 Michael Phelps breaks the record set in 1964 by Larisa Latynina for the greatest number of medals won at the Olympics.

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An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?”

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

“No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.”
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“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “Can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’ ”
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ONE-LINERS: YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A SMALL COUNTRY CHURCH WHEN…

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
~ The preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of!”

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
~ The choir group is known as the “O.K. Chorale.”
~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
~ There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
~ Baptism is referred to as “branding.”

~ There’s a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.
~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.
~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
~ The final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear.”
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A man walks out into the street and immediately catches a taxi passing by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing! You’re just like Frank!”

“Who?”

“Frank Freeman! He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”

“Well, I’m sure there are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Oh no, not Frank Freeman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the Pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. Amazing guy.”

“Sounds like he was something really special.”

“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right.”

“Wow, some guy then!”

“He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  He really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – oh yes, the perfect man!”

“An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
“Never met him. He died and I married his CRAZY wife!”
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pic of the day: Cat in Field of Grass & Yellow Flowers

white and gray cat
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My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Q: What do you call 100 rabbits dancing backward?
A: A receding hare line.

Two friends get lost during a hiking trip through the desert. Several days later they are dehydrated, exhausted and starving.
Out of nowhere, they see a tree in the distance that appears to be covered with bacon. One guy sprints ahead, only to be gunned down in a hail of gunfire.
“Run!” the dying man yells out. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s a ham bush!”
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A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: “You come every day. What are you praying for?”

The old man replies: “What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”

The journalist is taken by the old man’s sincerity and persistence.  “You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?”

The old man nods.

“How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?”

The old man becomes reflective, and then replies: “How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years.”

The amazed journalist finally asks: “How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?”

“How does it feel?” The old man replies. “Oy, it’s like talking to a wall.”

[Editor’s Note: When this joke is usually posted on the Internet, the journalist is a woman. This would be impossible for two reasons. First, the Western Wall is divided into separate areas for men and women. No woman would be allowed to enter the area where the old man is praying. Second, a pious Orthodox Jew who spends most of his day praying would consider it a sin to speak to a stranger who is female and approached him in public.]

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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole.”

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FUN VOICEMAIL MESSAGES

~ Hi. Now you say something.

~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

~ Hello. I’m around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

~ I can’t answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

~ Hi. I’m probably around, but I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

~ You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What does the “J.K.” in J.K. Rowling stand for?
“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling (pronounced “rolling”) is, perhaps, the most popular children’s book writer at present. The “J.K.” is short for Joanne Kathleen. The British author is now said to be wealthier even than the Queen of England. Her friends call her “Jo.

~ Which nation was the first to let women vote?
There are fifteen nations that gave women the right to vote before the United States did in 1920. The earliest were New Zealand, in 1893, Australia, in 1902, and Finland, in 1906.

~ Why do geese fly in ‘V?’
Migrating geese fly in a V-formation to save energy. A goose’s wings churn the air and leave an air current behind. In the flying wedge, each bird is in position to get a lift from the current left by the bird ahead. It is easier going for all, except the leader. During a migration, geese are apt to take turns in the lead position.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Old age: When you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. – Plato

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