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July 5th

Character is the basis of happiness and happiness the sanction of character. – George Santayana

TODAY – JULY 5th

186th day of the year (187th in leap years) with 179 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Apple Turnover Day
~ National Work-a-holics Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1794 Reverend Sylvester Graham, Suffield, Connecticut, Presbyterian minister and advocate of dietary reform, “father of graham crackers” (invented Graham bread, proponent of vegetarianism)
  • 1801 David Farragut, Campbell’s Station, Tennessee, flag officer of U.S. Navy during Civil War (remembered for order at Battle of Mobile Bay, “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”)
  • 1810 P.T. (Phineas Taylor) Barnum, Bethel, Connecticut, showman, promoter of hoaxes, and founded Barnum & Bailey Circus
  • 1853 Cecil John Rhodes, English-born businessman, founder of diamond company De Beers, founder of Rhodesia
  • 1935 John Gilmore, Los Angeles, California, author (Severed: The True Story of the Black Dahlia, Dark Obsession, Inside Marilyn Monroe, Cold-Blooded: The Saga of Charles Schmid)
  • 1936 Shirley Knight, Goessel, Kansas, actress (The Dark at the Top of the Stairs , Sweet Bird of Youth, Desperate Housewives, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, The Missing Girl)
  • 1958 Bill Watterson, Washington, D.C., cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
  • 1963 Edie Falco, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Oz, The Sopranos, Nurse Jackie, Horace and Pete)
  • 1965 Kathryn Erbe, Newton, Massachusetts, actress (What About Bob?, Oz, Detective Eames in Law & Order: Criminal Intent, No Alternative)
  • 1968 Susan Wojcicki, Santa Clara County, California, CEO of YouTube (Feb. 2014-)
  • 1981 Ryan Hansen, Fountain Valley, California, actor (Veronica Mars, Party Down, Burning Love, Bad Judge, Central Intelligence)

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When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet. – Stanislaw J. Lec, “Unkempt Thoughts”
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1865 The Salvation Army is founded in the East End of London, England.
  • 1879 Near-complete skeleton of a mastodon was discovered near Newburgh, New York.
  • 1935 The National Labor Relations Act, which governs labor relations in the United States, is signed into law by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
  • 1937 Spam, the luncheon meat, is introduced into the market by the Hormel Foods Corporation.
  • 1944 Harry Crosby took the first U.S. military rocket airplane, MX-324, for its maiden flight, at Harper Dry Lake, Calif. It was built by Northrop.
  • 1946 After a debut during an outdoor fashion show at the Molitor Pool, the Bikini goes on sale.
  • 1954 Elvis Presley records That’s All Right, his first single to be released.
  • 1966 Saturn I-B rocket, an unmanned Apollo test flight, the first Apollo orbital mission, was launched at Cape Kennedy and made 4 orbits at an altitude of about 113 miles (180-km).
  • 1971 The Twenty-sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution, lowering the voting age from 21 to 18 years, is formally certified by President Richard Nixon.
  • 1996 Dolly the sheep becomes the first mammal cloned from an adult cell.
  • 2015 US women’s national soccer team won gold at the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup in Vancouver.
  • 2016 Juno space probe arrives at Jupiter and begins a 20-month survey of the planet.

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Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything “country” so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones’ farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones farm. “By the way, ” I asked, “Do you know what time it is?” He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, “12:30.”

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, “Hey, I’ve just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?”
“Sit right here on this stool, son.” I did.

“Now, grab hold of that udder.” I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton).
“Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder.” I did.
“Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that’s a clock. When the little hand is on the 12…”
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It was early one Saturday morning. A friend of mine called to warn me of a group of Jehovah Witnesses working our neighborhood.

I thought it would be funny if I appeared at the door totally nude and holding a beer. I looked out the window and saw a man in a suit, a well-dressed woman and two young girls carrying what looked like a bag. As soon as the doorbell rang, I opened it. Acting very drunk, I asked them to come in. (Remember, I am totally naked.) The children screamed, the mother covered her eyes while running away, and the father told me how disgusting I was. He asked how my wife could allow me to hang around the house in that condition. They ran down the sidewalk, as I was rolling on the floor laughing.

About that time, I noticed that a station wagon had just pulled up in front of my house, and two men carrying books got out. These two guys were the real Jehovah Witnesses, and the family of four who had just left were my new neighbors that had just moved in next door and had come over to meet us.

To this day, their kids don’t ride their bikes past my house. And it’s been three years now!
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ONE-LINERS: Cowboy Wisdom DON’T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON

~ Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.

~ Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

~ It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you’re throwing’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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A masterful forger, this guy definitely was not.

News of the Weird reports that in March 1996, 18-year-old dock worker at Roadway Express in Dallas was arrested at a local Western Union and charged with forgery after improperly trying to cash a check made out to his employer. The man produced a photo ID that gave his name as Mr. Roadway V. Express.

After questioning him, the Western Union manager said, “OK, Mr. Express, I’ll be right back (with the money)” and then called police.
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing — it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: “What Bible story is that?”
Kid: “It’s the flight to Egypt.”

Teacher: “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus … but who’s the fourth person?”
Kid: “Oh, that’s Pontius, the Pilot.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, “We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of allegiance”.

His wife said, “Are you nuts? You can’t have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl’s names like Mary or Jane”. Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn’t tell them apart. Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with. He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn’t sure which one he would marry, if he could only get one.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandary. “I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can’t tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you”. “Give me Liberty or give me Beth”.
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Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shops with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.
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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: “No Sir, I have never seen you before.” The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

Doyle said: “This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.”

“There is one other thing,” the driver said.”

“What is that?” said Mr. Doyle.

“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who became rich in the gold rush? During Australia’s gold rush in 1850, only a few miners ever became rich. Instead, merchants and shopkeepers were the ones who really got rich.

~What are the origins of alchemy? Western alchemy has always been closely connected with Hermeticism, a philosophical and spiritual system that traces its roots to Hermes Trismegistus, a syncretic Egyptian-Greek deity and legendary alchemist. These two disciplines influenced the birth of Rosicrucianism, an important esoteric movement of the seventeenth century. In the course of the early modern period, as mainstream alchemy evolved into modern chemistry, its mystic and Hermetic aspects became the focus of a modern spiritual alchemy, where material manipulations are viewed as mere symbols of spiritual transformations.

~Should you chill canned goods? It can’t hurt — Canned foods do not last forever. They keep best at temperatures below 70 degrees. As their storage temperature rises, the length of time for storage decreases.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.” – George Washington Carver

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