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July 8th

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. – George Iles


TODAY – JULY 8th

189th day of the year (190th in leap years) with 176 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

~ National Chocolate with Almonds Day
~ National SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama)
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1831 John S. Pemberton, Knoxville, Georgia, pharmacist, invented Coca-Cola in 1885 (Originally meant as a cure for headaches)
  • 1838 Ferdinand von Zeppelin, Baden-Württemberg, German inventor (founder of the Zeppelin Airship company)
  • 1839 John D. Rockefeller, Richford, New York, oil magnate (Standard Oil Company founder) and philanthropist (founder University of Chicago and Rockefeller University)
  • 1857 Alfred Binet, French experimental psychologist (produced tests for scoring intelligence, the basis for the Stanford-Binet Tests)
  • 1908 Nelson Rockefeller, Bar Harbor, Maine, 41st Vice President of the United States, 49th Governor of New York
  • 1926 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Swiss-American psychiatrist (best known for studies on the psychology of dying)
  • 1932 Jerry Vale, The Bronx, New York, singer (Have You Looked into Your Heart, Tears Keep on Falling, You Don’t Know Me)
  • 1944 Jeffrey Tambor, San Francisco, California, actor (Hill Street Blues, Arrested Development, City Slickers, Hellboy, The Shadow King)
  • 1947 Kim Darby, Los Angeles, California, actress (starred w/John Wayne & Glen Campbell in True Grit; “Miri” episode of original Star Trek, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, The People)
  • 1949 Wolfgang Puck, Austrian-American celebrity chef, restaurateur, tv personality (Top Chef, Iron Chef)
  • 1951 Anjelica Huston, Santa Monica, California, actress (Prizzi’s Honor, The Grifters, The Addams Family, Tinker Bell)
  • 1958 Kevin Bacon, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Animal House, Diner, Footloose, Flatliners, A Few Good Men, Apollo 13, Mystic River, The Woodsman, Friday the 13th, Hollow Man, Tremors, X-Men, The Following)
  • 1959 Robert Knepper, Fremont, Ohio, actor (Prison Break, Transporters, Heroes 4th season, Mob City, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay)
  • 1961 Toby Keith, Clinton, Oklahoma, country music singer/songwriter
  • 1982 Sophia Bush, Pasadena, California, actress (One Tree Hill ,The Hitcher, John Tucker Must Die ,The Narrows, Chicago P.D. )
  • 1998 Jaden Smith, Malibu, California, actor (The Pursuit of Happyness, The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Karate Kid, After Earth)

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Education costs money. But then so does ignorance. – Sir Claus Moser

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1663 Charles II of England grants John Clarke a Royal Charter to Rhode Island.
  • 1680 The first confirmed tornado in America kills a servant at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  • 1879 Sailing ship USS Jeannette (1878) departs San Francisco carrying an ill-fated expedition to the North Pole.
  • 1889 The first issue of the Wall Street Journal is published.
  • 1892 St. John’s, Newfoundland is devastated in the Great Fire of 1892.
  • 1896 William Jennings Bryan delivers his Cross of Gold speech advocating bimetalism at the 1896 Democratic National Convention in Chicago.
  • 1948 The United States Air Force accepts its first female recruits into a program called Women in the Air Force (WAF).
  • 1969 IBM CICS is made generally available for the 360 mainframe computer.
  • 1970 Richard Nixon delivers a special congressional message enunciating Native American Self-Determination as official US Indian policy, leading to the Indian Self-Determination Act.
  • 2007 Boeing unveiled its first 787 in a roll-out ceremony at its Everett assembly factory.
  • 2011 Space Shuttle Atlantis is launched in the final mission of the U.S. Space Shuttle program.

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Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

“Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

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A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.
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ONE-LINERS: Resume Bloopers – These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

— “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”

— “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

— “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”

— “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”

— “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”

— “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

— “I am a rabid typist.”

— “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”

— “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”

— “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”

— “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

— “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”

— “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

— “I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

— “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.”

— “Qualifications: No education or experience.”

— “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”

— Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

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The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “Contract” for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “That other Librarian we had could write.”

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Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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pic of the day: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof


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Golden Oldie… Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”

“Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

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A female truck driver decided to buy herself a big dog for protection while she was on the road. She went to the local animal shelter and asked about one particularly large and fierce looking dog and the attendant told her, “He doesn’t like men.”

Perfect, she thought, and so she bought him. Later that week, she was in a dark parking lot and two big, rough looking men started walking toward her. Sure enough, as the attendant at the animal shelter had told her, the dog didn’t like men. He promptly ran and cowered under the nearest car.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ What do you call religious people who come to your house to demonstrate vacuum cleaners?
Je-hoovers witnesses.

~ A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘NIL.’ White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”
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What Guys Say and What They REALLY Mean. . .

~ “We’re going to be late,” REALLY MEANS, “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

~ “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard, “REALLY MEANS, “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

~ “That’s interesting, dear,” REALLY MEANS, “Are you still talking?”

~ “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, “I forgot our anniversary again.”

~ “It’s really a good movie,” REALLY MEANS, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.”

~ “You know how bad my memory is,” REALLY MEANS, “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

~ “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

~ “I do help around the house,” REALLY MEANS, “I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”

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How do you identify a bald eagle?

All his feathers are combed over to one side.

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What Guys Say and What They REALLY Mean, Part II

~ “What did I do this time?” REALLY MEANS, “What did you catch me doing?”

~ “She’s one of the rabid feminists,” REALLY MEANS, “She refused to make my coffee.”

~ “I heard you,” REALLY MEANS, “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

~ “You really look terrific in that outfit,” REALLY MEANS, “Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.”

~ “I missed you,” REALLY MEANS, “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

~ “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,” REALLY MEANS, “No one will ever see us alive again.”

~ “We share the housework,” REALLY MEANS, “I make the messes. She cleans them up.”

~ “I don’t need to read the instructions,” REALLY MEANS, “I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.”

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who were the original vandals?
In A.D. 406, a German tribe marched across Europe to Africa. They preyed on ships in the Mediterranean Sea and persecuted the African Christians. They plundered Sicily and ravaged Italy. They were warriors who accepted brutality as a way of life. They left us no statues or monuments, but they left something more enduring- their name: The Vandals.

~ How much material was used to construct the pyramids?
The pyramids in Egypt contain enough stone and mortar to construct a wall 10 feet high and 5 feet wide running from New York City to Los Angeles.

~ How many types of samurai swords are there?
There are three main types of samurai sword.
1: Katana: The longest type of sword, over 24 inches, generally used for outdoor combat.
2: Wakizashi: Around a third shorter than the Katana at between 12 and 24 inches, this was worn in indoor establishments by samurai for its obvious better maneuverability indoors.
3: Tanto: A small knife used in much the same manner as a Wakizashi.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one. — Elbert Hubbard

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Virtue means doing the right thing, in relation to the right person, at the right time, to the right extent, in the right manner, and for the right purpose. Thus, to give money away is quite a simple task, but for the act to be virtuous, the donor must give to the right person, for the right purpose, in the right amount, in the right manner, and at the right time. – Aristotle

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