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July 9th

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. – Winston Churchill

TODAY – JULY 9th

190th day of the year (191st in leap years) with 175 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Sugar Cookie Day
~ Constitution Day in Australia
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1819 Elias Howe, Spencer, Massachusetts, inventor (sewing machine pioneer)
  • 1901 Dame Barbara Cartland, English author (romantic novels)
  • 1911 John A. Wheeler, Jacksonville, Florida, physicist (coined the terms black hole, quantum foam, and wormhole and the phrase “it from bit”)
  • 1927 Ed Ames, Maiden, Massachusetts, singer (My Cup Runneth Over) and actor (Daniel Boone tv show)
  • 1933 Oliver Sacks, British-born neurologist and author (Awakenings, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, The Mind’s Eye)
  • 1942 Richard Roundtree, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Shaft, George of the Jungle, Diary of a Single Mom, Being Mary Jane)
  • 1943 John Casper, Greenville, South Carolina, U.S. Air Force fighter pilot and retired NASA astronaut (STS-36, STS-54, STS-62, STS-77)
  • 1945 Dean Koontz, Everett, Pennsylvania, author (Star Quest, Whispers, Demon Seed, Strangers, Prison of Ice, Sole Survivor, Hideaway, Watchers, Odd Thomas)
  • 1951 Chris Cooper, Kansas City, Missouri, actor (The Bourne Identity, American Beauty, Capote, The Town, The Kingdom, Syriana, August: Osage County)
  • 1952 John Tesh, Garden City, New York, pianist and composer (pop, Contemporary Christian, smooth jazz, New Age)
  • 1955 Jimmy Smits, Brooklyn, New York, actor (L.A. Law, NYPD Blue, The West Wing, Dexter, Bail Organa in Star Wars prequel triolgy, Sons of Anarchy, 24: Legacy, How to Get Away with Murder)
  • 1956 Tom Hanks, Concord, California, actor (Saving Private Ryan, Cast Away, Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, Captain Phillips, The Post)
  • 1973 Enrique Murciano, Miami, Florida, actor (Without a Trace, Miss Congeniality 2, The Lost City, Black Hawk Down, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Power, Bloodline, Civil)
  • 1976 Fred Savage, actor & director (The Wonder Years, The Princess Bride, Generator Rex, Happy Endings, The Grinder, Friends from College)

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I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions. – Stephen Covey
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 The Declaration of Independence was ordered to be read out loud to members of the Continental Army in New York, New York for the first time by George Washington.
  • 1793 The Act Against Slavery is passed in Upper Canada and the importation of slaves into Lower Canada is prohibited.
  • 1811 Explorer David Thompson posts a sign at the confluence of the Columbia and Snake Rivers (in modern Washington state, US), claiming the land for the United Kingdom.
  • 1863 American Civil War: the Siege of Port Hudson ends.
  • 1868 The 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution is ratified guaranteeing African Americans full citizenship and all persons in the United States due process of law.
  • 1877 The inaugural Wimbledon Championships opens.
  • 1918 Great train wreck of 1918: in Nashville, Tennessee, an inbound local train collides with an outbound express killing 101 and injuring 171 people, making it the deadliest rail accident in United States history.
  • 1922 Johnny Weissmuller swims the 100 meters freestyle in 58.6 seconds breaking the world swimming record and the ‘minute barrier’.
  • 1962 The Starfish Prime high-altitude nuclear test is conducted by the United States of America.
  • 1962 Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup Cans exhibition opens at the Ferus Gallery in Los Angeles.

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Little Joe walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.
“Dad,” said Joe, “Remember when you told me you’d give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?”

Dad nodded.
“Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks.”
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A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
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Chain Letters: I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern…….
~ I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
~ I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
~ I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
~ I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
~ I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
~ I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
~ I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our troops.
~ I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
~ I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
~ I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
~ Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
~ I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
~ I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend’s neighbor’s cousin, and he’s a lawyer. So you’d better get going on that e-mail!!!
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Girlfriend 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
~What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
~Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~A backward poet writes inverse.
~In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
~ A butler with no teeth is an in-dentured servant.

~ A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic.
~ Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.
My co-worker asked, “What is it about you that makes your kids want to get so far away?”
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What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
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Sign at the front door:

NO SOLICITING
We are too broke to buy anything.
We know who we are voting for.
We have found Jesus.

Seriously, unless you are selling
THIN MINTS
Please go away.
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There were three men stranded on a dessert island. As it happens on desert islands, one of them found a bottle with a genie. The genie said “Because there are three of you, you each get one wish.”
The first guy said “I want a limo.” BOOM He has a limo.
The second guy said “I want a million dollars.” Boom he is swimming in money.
The third guy said ” I want to be irresistible to women.” BOOM he turns into a CHOCOLATE BAR!
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TODAY’S TRIVIA: Does a jet shrink as it flies? At a jet plane’s speed of 1,000 km (620 miles) per hour, the length of the plane becomes one atom shorter than its original length.

~ What was a tablecloth’s original use? Tablecloths were originally meant to serve as towels with which guests could wipe their hands and faces after dinner.

~ What’s the difference between a dove and a pigeon? According to zoology experts, there is no real difference between doves and pigeons. The choice of name rests almost altogether on custom and geography, although the smaller of the species is, more often than not, called a dove.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Be the hero of your own life story. – Gerald Butler playing Alex Rover in “Nim’s Island
 (Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story. – John Barth)

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