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June 29th

“I am an optimist. Anyone interested in the future has to be otherwise he would simply shoot himself.” – Arthur C. Clarke


TODAY – JUNE 29th

180th day of the year (181st in leap years) with 185 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Camera Day
~ National Hug Holiday Day
~ National Waffle Iron Day
~ National Almond Buttercrunch Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1861 William James Mayo, Sueur, Minnesota, surgeon (co-founder Mayo Clinic in Minnesota)
  • 1868 George Ellery Hale, Chicago, Illinois, astronomer (Hale telescope – 200″ reflecting type; solar physics)
  • 1919 Slim Pickens, Kingsburg, California, a cowboy & actor (Dr Strangelove, Blazing Saddles)
  • 1944 Gary Busey, Baytown, Texas, actor (Lethal Weapon, Buddy Holly Story, Star in Born, Mansion of Blood, 21st season of Dancing with the Stars, Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens)
  • 1947 Richard Lewis, Brooklyn, New York, comedian/actor (Prince John in Robin Hood: Men in Tights; Anything But Love, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Blunt Talk)
  • 1948 Fred Grandy, Sioux City Iowa, actor (Gopher-Love Boat, The Mindy Project)
  • 1955 Charles J. Precourt, Waltham, Maine, retired astronaut (STS-55, STS-71, STS-84, STS-91)
  • 1962 George Zamka, Jersey City, New Jersey, Colonel USMC, test pilot/astronaut (STS-120, STS-130)
  • 1968 Judith Hoag, Newburyport, Massachusetts, actress (April O’Neil / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Armageddon, Nashville)

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One’s first step in wisdom is to question everything – and one’s last is to come to terms with everything. – Georg C. Lichtenberg
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1864 Ninety-nine people are killed in Canada’s worst railway disaster near St-Hilaire, Quebec.
  • 1889 Hyde Park and several other Illinois townships vote to be annexed by Chicago, forming the largest US city in area and 2nd largest in population.
  • 1916 Boeing Airplane Model 1, also known as the B&W, and christened it the Bluebill flies for the first time.
  • 1927 U.S. Army Air Corps Fokker tri-motor, The Bird of Paradise, completes the first transpacific flight, from the mainland United States to Hawaii.
  • 1956 The Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 is signed, officially creating the United States Interstate Highway System.
  • 1995 Space Shuttle program: STS-71 Mission (Atlantis docks with the Russian space station Mir for the first time.)
  • 2007 Apple Inc. releases its first mobile phone, the iPhone.
  • 2012 A derecho sweeps across the eastern United States, leaving at least 22 people dead and millions without power.

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he complained, “I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do!?”

The man said, “No problem.” He reached into his pocket and produced a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them on. “They’re okay I guess, but they’re a little loose.”

“I have another set with me — try these.”

“These are worse than the first pair — they’re much too tight.”

“No problem; I have another set pair. Try them.”

“They fit perfectly!” And he was able to eat his meal and give his speech without any discomfort at all.

After the meeting the speaker sought out the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a new dentist.”

“Oh, I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”

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An airhead student was in the college campus bookstore.

Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, “This book will do half the job for you.”

“Good,” the airhead replied, “I’ll take two.”
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ONE-LINERS:

~You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them.

~Old age comes at a bad time. -San Banducci.

~Age mellows some people; others it makes rotten.

~Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.

~Accuracy is the twin brother of honesty, inaccuracy, of dishonesty.

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A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem.”

“I don’t have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I’m afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble.”

“I see. And what seems to be her problem?”

“For some strange reason, she thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”

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pic of the day: Owl in Flight


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right. The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the door on the other side and jumped onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was that about?”

He replied, “It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

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As I waited for my flight, I couldn’t help overhearing a man talking on his cell phone. “I know it’s something you want, he said earnestly, but I don’t think tattoos are a good idea. And the same thing goes for body piercing. Now, as long as you’re living in my house, I think it’s only fair that you should respect my wishes.”

I was silently cheering him on his fatherly firmness.

Then came the “coup de grace”: “Besides Mom, you’re 73 years old. You don’t need a tattoo and an eyebrow ring!”

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Pick-Up Lines That Didn’t Work

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

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Top ten least popular self help books. . .

10. “Lie Your Sweet Behind Off And Become A Millionaire”

9. “Choking Coaches For The Soul” by Latrell Sprewell

8. “Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair”

7. “How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men’s Room”

6. “If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow”

5. “George Michael’s Do-It-Yourself Handbook”

4. “Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula”

3. “8 Weeks To A Sweatier You”

2. “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village”

1. “It’s Hopeless” by Jack Kevorkian
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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named ‘i386.’ He started to type it and paused, asking me, ‘Where’s the key for that line thing?’

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, ‘You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark.’ I replied, ‘You mean the letter ‘i’?’ and he said, ‘Yeah, that’s it!’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why do possum’s hang by their tails? The Virginia opossum is the only marsupial (pouched mammal) indigenous to North America. They will play dead when threatened, and contrary to folklore, do not sleep hanging by their tails. They have a litter size of up to 22, but only a maximum of 13 offspring live. Their babies stay in the pouch for the first 60 days.

~ What is a derecho? It’s a widespread, long-lived, straight-line wind storm that is associated with a fast-moving group of severe thunderstorms known as a mesoscale convective system.

~ What is a mesoscale convective system? It is a complex of thunderstorms that becomes organized on a scale larger than the individual thunderstorms but smaller than extratropical cyclones, and normally persists for several hours or more.

~How many windows does the Empire State Building have? The Empire State Building in New York City has 6,400 windows.

~Where are the world’s worst fogs? Fogs over the seas on the Grand Banks, Newfoundland, Canada, can last for weeks on end. These are the longest-enduring fogs recorded in the world.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation – Jean Webster

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Use what talents you possess, the woods will be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. – Henry van Dyke

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