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June 2nd

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. – Benjamin Spock


TODAY – JUNE 2nd

153rd day of the year (154th in leap years) with 212 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Bubba Day
~ National Rocky Road Ice Cream Day
~ National Rotisserie Chicken Day
~ Yell “Fudge” At the Cobras in North America Day
~ National Leave the Office Early Day (observed June 2nd unless it falls on a weekend, then on closest working day)
~ National Candy Month
~ National Iced Tea Month
~ National Zoos and Aquariums Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1731 Martha Washington, Williamsburg, Virginia, 1st American First Lady
  • 1840 Thomas Hardy, English writer (Tess of the d’Urbervilles, Far from the Madding Crowd)
  • 1904 John Weissmuller, Romanian born swimmer/ actor (Tarzan)/ 100m swimmer (Olympic-gold-1924, 28)
  • 1907 Edwin J. Shoemaker, Monroe County, Michigan, inventor and engineer (created the recliner chair & started La-Z-Boy furniture company)
  • 1913 Barbara Pym, English romantic author (Very Private Eye)
  • 1915 Walter Tetley, New York, New York, voice actor (radio, animated cartoons – Sherman in “Mr. Peabody” cartoons)
  • 1930 Charles Pete Conrad Jr, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USN/astronaut (3rd man to walk on moon/ Gemini 5 & 11, Apollo 12, Skylab 2)
  • 1935 Carol Shields, Oak Park, Illinois, author (The Stone Diaries, Larry’s Party, Unless)
  • 1937 Sally Kellerman, Oak Beach, California, actress (Maj. Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan on M*A*S*H; Star Trek “Where No Man Has Gone Before”, Maron)
  • 1941 Stacy Keach, Savannah, Georgia, actor (The Long Riders, Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer, Full Circle, Crowded; narration on Nova, National Geographic, etc.)
  • 1948 Jerry Mathers, Sioux City, Iowa, actor (Beaver on Leave It To Beaver)
  • 1960 Kyle Petty, Randleman, North Carolina, NASCAR race car driver
  • 1971 Anthony Montgomery, Indianapolis, Indiana, actor (Star Trek: Enterprise, General Hospital, Chariot)
  • 1972 Wayne Brady, Orlando, Florida, actor and comedian (Who’s Line is it Anyway, Don’t Forget the Lyrics, Let’s Make A Deal, Real Husbands of Hollywood, Sofia the First)
  • 1977 Zachary Quinto, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (Heroes, Star Trek movies, The Slap, Tullulah)
  • 1982 Jewel Staite, Canadian actress (Kaylee Frye/Firefly & Serenity; Dr. Jennifer Keller/ SG Atlantis, The L.A. Complex, The Killing)
  • 1990 Brittany Curran, Boston, Massachusetts, actress and singer (Pamela / Go Figure, Chelsea Brimmer / The Suite Life of Zack & Cody)

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Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1835 P.T. Barnum & his circus begin first tour of US.
  • 1857 James Gibbs of Mill Point, Virginia, patents chain-stitch single-thread sewing machine.
  • 1886 Grover Cleveland is first to wed during presidency (Frances Folsom).
  • 1896 Guglielmo Marconi receives a patent for his newest invention: the radio.
  • 1924 US citizenship granted to all American Indians (President Calvin Coolidge signs Indian Citizenship Act into law).
  • 1928 Kraft’s Velveeta Cheese was invented. It was packaged using the 1921 invention of a tinfoil lining that could house the cheese inside a wooden box.
  • 1954 First test of a VTOL airplane takes place when a Convair XFY-1 Pogo demonstrated a vertical takeoff and landing.
  • 1966 US Surveyor 1 lands in Oceanus Procellarum; 1st lunar soft-landing.
  • 1979 John Paul II becomes 1st pope to visit a communist country (Poland).
  • 2003 European Space Agency’s Mars Express probe launches for voyage to Mars
  • 2004 Ken Jennings begins his 74-game winning streak on the syndicated game show Jeopardy!.

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Interviewer to job applicant: “I must say your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes.”

“Well, there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey! At least I’m not a quitter.”

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A police officer stopped a pastor and his wife for speeding on a motorcycle.

“What do you think you’re doing? You were going mighty fast there, Reverend.”

“We were just taking the bike for a spin. You know … see how it runs.”

“I’m going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like that isn’t safe. What if you had an accident?”

“Don’t worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

“In that case, I have to give you two tickets. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

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ONE-LINERS: Jokes That May or May Not Make You Wiser

– The greatest of all faults, is to be aware of none.
– Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.
– If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.

– Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
– If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.
– If you can’t be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

– The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.
– Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
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As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.

The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged. Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theater,” I responded.

“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defense attorney quipped.

“No” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

I was excused from the case.

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
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pic of the day: Magnolia Blossom

magnolia bloom
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs.

But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.

He told them, “Don’t worry. The wurst is yet to come.”

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PUNS, PART II

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, “And what will your third wish be?”

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.”

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. “That was your first wish, too!”

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A doctor was racing toward the hospital when a patrol car appeared behind him — lights flashing, siren blaring.

So the doc hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds came the policeman’s response: A pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.'”
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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who is the man behind the rat?
If Walt Disney is the man behind the mouse, then Ed “Big Daddy” Roth is the man behind the rat. Born in Beverly Hills on March 4th, 1932, Ed grew up in a German-speaking household with Gordon, his younger brother. They both grew up speaking German, but in school he learned English and how to draw. No surprise, but his favorite subjects to draw were airplanes, monsters and hot rods. One of his greatest influences was his father’s strict child rearing; he built the boys a shop and gave them tools to keep them out of trouble.

~ What did people use before erasers?
Pieces of bread were used to erase lead pencil before rubber came into use.

~ How large was the first VCR?
The first VCR, or video cassette recorder, was made in 1956 and was the size of a piano.

~ How does a mosquito bite?
Mosquitoes do not bite. They stab. A mosquito has no jaws; when attacking a victim, it pierces it with its long proboscis and sucks the blood up through a nasal tube.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I really didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.” -Dale Carnegie

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