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June 8th

Don’t worry about moving slow. Worry about standing still. – Chinese Proverb


TODAY – JUNE 8th

159th day of the year (160th in leap years) with 206 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Best Friends Day
~ National Jelly-Filled Doughnut Day
~ National Name Your Poison Day
~ National Upsy Daisy Day
~ World Brain Tumor Day
~ World Oceans Day
~ National Dairy Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1867 Frank Lloyd Wright, Richland Center, Wisconsin, architect (“greatest architect of all time”)
  • 1910 John W. Campbell, Newark, New Jersey, sci-fi author, publisher and editor (Analog, Who Goes There?)
  • 1918 Robert Preston, Newton, Maine, actor (Music Man, Mame, Last Starfighter)
  • 1933 Joan Rivers, Brooklyn, New York, comedian (The Late Show, Hollywood Squares)
  • 1936 James Darren, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (TJ Hooker, Diamond Head, Venus in Furs, ST Deep Space Nine, Lucky)
  • 1943 Colin Baker, British actor ( The Brothers, 6th Dr. Who, Doctors, A Christmas Carol)
  • 1947 Sara Paretsky, Ames, Iowa, author (detective fiction w/character V.I. Warshawski)
  • 1950 Kathy Baker, Midland, Texas, actress (Edward Scissorhands, Jesse Stone movies, Picket Fences, Boston Public, Against the Wall, The Age of Adaline, Colony, The Ranch)
  • 1951 Bonnie Tyler, Welsh singer and guitarist (Total Eclipse of the Heart, Holding Out for a Hero)
  • 1955 Tim Berners-Lee, English internet developer (credited with inventing the World Wide Web)
  • 1966 Julianna Marguilies, Spring Valley, New York, actress (ER, The Mists of Avalon, The Good Wife)
  • 1978 Maria Menounos, Medford, Massachusetts, journalist (correspondent for Today, Access Hollywood), pro wrestler & actress (One Tree Hill, Tropic Thunder, Sharknado 3, contestant on season 14 of Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1981 Sara Watkins, Vista, California, singer-songwriter and fiddle player (Nickle Creek)

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When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on. – Franklin D Roosevelt
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1783 Volcano Laki in Iceland begins an 8-month eruption which kills over 9,000 people and starts a seven-year famine.
  • 1789 James Madison introduces twelve proposed amendments to the U. S. Constitution in the House of Representatives; by 1791, ten of them are ratified by the state legislatures and become the Bill of Rights; another is eventually ratified in 1992 to become the 27th Amendment.
  • 1861 Tennessee secedes from the Union during the Civil War.
  • 1887 Herman Hollerith applies for US patent #395,791 for the ‘Art of Applying Statistics’ – his punched card calculator.
  • 1906 Theodore Roosevelt signs the Antiquities Act into law, authorizing the President to restrict the use of certain parcels of public land with historical or conservation value.
  • 1912 Carl Laemmle incorporated Universal Pictures.
  • 1940 Discovery of element 93, neptunium, announced.
  • 1949 Siam changes name to Thailand.
  • 1963 American Heart Association is 1st agency to campaign against cigarettes.
  • 1979 The Source, 1st computer public information service, goes online.
  • 1992 First World Ocean Day is celebrated, coinciding with the Earth Summit held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

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An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

“Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.

“It’s worse than that!”, he replies, “There are hundreds of them!”

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A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, “Johnny, is there anything wrong”?

The boy replied, “No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church”.

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied, “Yes teacher, Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us”.

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ONE-LINERS: Yo mamma is so old …

… she thinks a website is where a spider lives.
… she thinks a search engine is a kind of train.
… she thinks a hard drive is a long and bumpy road.

… I told her to act her age, and she died.
… her first hearing aid was powered by steam.
… she thinks an iPod is some sort of sleeping bag.

… her social security number is 1.
… she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
… when she was in school there was no history class.

… her birth certificate says EXPIRED on it.
… her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
… she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! But please don’t shove me either!”

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Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I meet one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”

“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”

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pic of the day: Butterfly and Waterfall


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My word!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
. . . And then the fight started.
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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same… – while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites??

~ How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

~ When a house burns up, it burns down.

~You fill in a form by filling it out.

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THOTS ABOUT CATS

~ In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.
~ As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
~ Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

~ Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.
~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
~ There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

From Mark Twain:
“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it–and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”
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GOLDEN OLDIES

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. He left a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”
—–

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program!! The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
—–

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
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Signs of the Times . . .

~ On a Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”.
~ On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
~ Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

~ On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
~ On the door of a Music Library: “Bach in a min-u-et.”
~ At a Music Store: “Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.”

~ In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”
~ On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.”
~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

~ In a Beauty Shop: “Dye now!”
~ In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
~ On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
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They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”

“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why was Peter’s mule’s tail so valuable? 
Hair from the tail of a mule ridden by the crusader Peter the Hermit brought high prices as sacred relics throughout Europe in the 14th century.

~ What is National Name Your Poison Day about?
For years, bartenders have been known to use the phrase, “name your poison,” when asking patrons what they would like to drink. While the origin of the phrase “name your poison” is unknown, it is thought to have first been used to refer having to make a choice from a poor collection of options. In other words, whatever choice was made it would be a bad one. Hence, the word “poison” in the phrase. Using this phrase as a sort of slogan, this day is to recognize the important decisions we make, even if sometimes the choices are less than stellar.

~ Did an Englishman invent the Scottish kilt 
The first documented evidence of its use was attributed to English industrialist Thomas Rawlinson who ran a foundry at Lochaber and who saw the benefits that a detachable garment would make, for the comfort and safety of his workers. This gave rise to the mistaken claim that “it was an Englishman who invented the Scottish kilt.”

~ How quickly can a frigate fly? 
The frigate bird can fly at a speed of 260 miles per hour.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Sign on a door: Push. If that doesn’t work. Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . He who is too busy doing good finds no time to be good. – Rabindranath Tagore

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