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March 19th

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. – John Quincy Adams


TODAY – MARCH 19th

78th day of the year (79th in leap years) with 287 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Poultry Day
~ National Chocolate Caramel Day
~ National Agriculture Day
~ Return of the Swallow (observance of the swallows’ return to Mission San Juan Capistrano in California)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1813 David Livingstone, Scottish missionary and explorer in Africa
  • 1821 Richard Francis Burton, British explorer, diplomat and author (known for exploring Asia, Africa and the Americas; spoke 29 languages)
  • 1848 Wyatt Earp, Monmouth, Illinois, marshall (Gunfight at the O.K. Corral)
  • 1864 Charles Marion Russell, St. Louis, Missouri, artist (Old American West; more than 2,000 paintings of cowboys, Indians & landscapes from Western United States)
  • 1883 Walter Haworth, British chemist, best known for his groundbreaking work on ascorbic acid (vitamin C)
  • 1933 Philip Roth, Newark, New Jersey, author (Goodbye, Columbus; Portnoy’s Complaint, Everyman)
  • 1936 Ursula Andress, Swiss actress (Bond movies: Dr. No, Casino Royale)
  • 1947 Glenn Close, Greenwich, Connecticut, actress (Dangerous Liaisons, Fatal Attraction)
  • 1955 Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein, West Germany, American actor  (Die Hard series, The 5th Element)
  • 1969 Connor Trinneer, Walla Walla, Washington, actor  (Charles “Trip” Tucker III on Star Trek: Enterprise, and Michael on Stargate Atlantis)
  • 1989 Craig Lamar Traylor, San Bernardino County, California, actor (Malcolm in the Middle )
  • 1999 Tatum McCann, Riverside, California, actress (NYPD Blue, Click, The Time Traveler’s Wife)

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The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances. – Martha Washington

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1863 The SS Georgiana, said to have been the most powerful Confederate cruiser, is destroyed on her maiden voyage with a cargo of munitions, medicines and merchandise then valued at over $1,000,000.
  • 1895 Auguste and Louis Lumière record their first footage using their newly patented cinematograph.
  • 1915 Pluto is photographed for the first time but is not recognized as a planet.
  • 1916 Eight American planes take off in pursuit of Pancho Villa, the first United States air-combat mission in history.
  • 1918 The U.S. Congress establishes time zones and approves daylight saving time.
  • 1931 Gambling is legalized in Nevada.
  • 1941 World War II: The 99th Pursuit Squadron also known as the Tuskegee Airmen, the first all-black unit of the Army Air Corp, is activated.
  • 1965 The wreck of the SS Georgiana, valued at over $50,000,000 and said to have been the most powerful Confederate cruiser, is discovered by then teenage diver and pioneer underwater archaeologist E. Lee Spence, exactly 102 years after its destruction.
  • 1979 The United States House of Representatives begins broadcasting its day-to-day business via the cable television network C-SPAN.
  • 2008 GRB 080319B: A cosmic burst that is the farthest object visible to the naked eye is briefly observed.

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car.

“Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long walk.”
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Doctor to patient: “You have dangerously high blood pressure.”
“I know. It comes from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or your father’s?”
“Neither. It’s from my wife’s family.”

“Oh, come now. How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
“You oughta meet ’em sometime.”
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ONE-LINERS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED. . .

~  Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
~  Wrinkles don’t hurt. Physically anyway.
~  Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

~  Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
~  Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
~  Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

~  Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
~  Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
~  When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

~  You get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
~  It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
~  Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
~  Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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pic of the day: Chicken Rooster and Hens

Rooster and hens
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The Sunday School teacher asked the class to draw pictures of the Nativity. Little Johnny’s picture featured a very overweight, rotund individual in a prominent position close to the baby Jesus.

“Who’s that?” the teacher asked.

“That’s Round John Virgin.”

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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.” The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”
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Conversation at our business lunch turned to immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues.

“That can’t be true,” said another.

“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”

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A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

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Wanting to earn some money, Cletus decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

Cletus said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “He should. He was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, Cletus came to the door to collect his money. “You’re finished already?” the man asked.

“Yes,” Cletus answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” Cletus added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Since it’s National Poultry Day, we’ll gonna talk about CHICKEN.

~ The chicken, Gallus gallus domesticus, is a domestic subspecies of the red junglefowl, a member of the pheasant family that is native to Asia.

~ This bird was probably first domesticated for the purpose of cockfights, not as food.

~ These birds are omnivores. They’ll eat seeds and insects but also larger prey like small mice and lizards.

~ Baby chickens are chicks. Female chickens are pullets until they’re old enough to lay eggs and become hens.

~ Male chickens are called roosters, cocks or cockerels, depending on the country you’re in.

~ A rooster announces to a flock of chickens that he’s found food with a “took, took, took.” But the hens don’t pay attention if they already know that there is food around.

~ And to answer the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, all vertebrates have eggs, but the hardshelled variety first appeared among reptiles.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Choose a job you like, and you will never have to work a day in your life. – Confucius

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