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March 23rd

Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation. – William H. Sheldon


TODAY – MARCH 23rd

81st day of the year (82nd in leap years) with 283 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Chia Day
~ National Chip and Dip Day
~ National Melba Toast Day
~ National Puppy Day
~ Near Miss Day
~ World Meteorolgical Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1924 Bette Nesmith Graham, Dallas, Texas, inventor (Liquid Paper / mother of Michael Nesmith of The Monkees)
  • 1941 Jim Trelease, Orange, New Jersey, author (Read Aloud Handbook) and educator (stresses reading aloud to children to help give them a love of literature)
  • 1947 Elizabeth Ann Scarborough, Kansas City, Missouri, author (The Healer’s War, w/Anne McCaffrey co-authored series: Petaybee, Acorna, The Barque Cat)
  • 1957 Amanda Plummer, New York City, New York, actress (The Fisher King, Pulp Fiction, The Right to Remain Silent, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)
  • 1959 Catherine Keener, Miami, Florida, actress (Being John Malkovich, Capote, Into the Wild, Please Give, The Croods, War Story, Accidental Love)
  • 1964 Hope Davis, Englewood, New Jersey, actress (Flatliners, American Splendor, Deadline, Charlie Bartlett, The Special Relationship, Wild Card, Wayward Pines)
  • 1966 Marin Hinkle, American (born in Tanzania) actress (Once and Again, Two and a Half Men, Deception)
  • 1976 Michelle Monaghan, Winthrop, Iowa, actress (Mission: Impossible III, Gone Baby Gone, Made of Honor, The Heartbreak Kid , Eagle Eye, True Detective, Pixels, The Path)
  • 1978 Nicholle Tom, Hinsdale, Illinois, actress (The Nanny, Beethoven, The Book of Ruth, Something Evil Comes, Saturn Returns)
  • 1986 Steven Strait, New York City, NY, singer and actor (Sky High, 10,000 BC, City Island, Magic City, Hot, The Expanse)

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The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving. – Oliver Wendell Holmes
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 American Revolutionary War: Patrick Henry delivers his speech – “Give me Liberty, or give me Death!” – at St. John’s Church in Richmond, Virginia.
  • 1857 Elisha Otis’s first elevator is installed at 488 Broadway New York City.
  • 1903 The Wright Brothers apply for a patent on their invention of one of the first successful airplanes.
  • 1909 Theodore Roosevelt leaves New York for a post-presidency safari in Africa. The trip is sponsored by the Smithsonian Institution and National Geographic Society.
  • 1912 Dixie Cup invented.
  • 1950 World Meteorological Organization established at convention.
  • 1962 NS Savannah, the first nuclear-powered cargo-passenger ship, is launched as a showcase for Dwight D. Eisenhower’s Atoms for Peace initiative.
  • 1965 NASA launches Gemini 3, the United States’ first two-man space flight (crew: Gus Grissom and John Young).
  • 2001 The Russian Mir space station is disposed of, breaking up in the atmosphere before falling into the southern Pacific Ocean near Fiji.

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The after-dinner speaker just didn’t have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, “Hit me again, I can still hear him.”
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My job is in the aerospace industry, and it’s always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, “Defense contractor.”

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
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ONE-LINERS:

~ Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~ Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
~ Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

~ Never answer an anonymous letter.
~ It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
~ I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening’s dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. “Make sure to put it in at 350,” I said.

“Sorry, can’t,” he replied. “I don’t get home until quarter after four.”
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An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
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pic of the day: In honor of National Puppy Day!


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My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.”

“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
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HOW TO BE ZEN…

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts – Hattie and Sophia – who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, “Big Bill” was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn’s aunts.

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“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year old son.
“Bob,” he said.

“And what’s your cat’s name?”
“Bob.”

“Well, how do you keep them straight?” I asked.
“Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.

“Go ahead and tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said… “Dennis Hopper.”
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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”
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The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

But what then, senor?
The American laughed and said that’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Senor, I already do that!
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is hair spray made of? Many hair sprays (which are really just adhesives for the hair) are made largely of cellulose, the major ingredient of the cell walls of plants. Ethyl cellulose adhesives dry quickly, do not remain tacky, and wash out with water.

~ Which seahorse carries the embryo? The male seahorse, not the female, carries the embryo of the species. The female fills the male’s brooch pouch with eggs, which remain in the swollen sac for a gestation period of eight to ten days.

~ Are there loopholes in the Three Laws of Robotics? In Isaac Asimov’s book The Naked Sun, Elijah Baley points out that the Laws had been deliberately misrepresented because robots could unknowingly break any of them. He restated the first law as “A robot may do nothing that, to its knowledge, will harm a human being; nor, through inaction, knowingly allow a human being to come to harm.” This change in wording makes it clear that robots can become the tools of murder, provided they are not aware of the nature of their tasks; for instance being ordered to add something to a person’s food, not knowing that it is poison.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. – Stanley Kubrick

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