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March 5th

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. – Garrison Keillor


TODAY – MARCH 5th

64th day of the year (65th in leap years) with 301 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Absinthe Day
~ National Cheese Doodle Day
~ National Multiple Personality Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1935 Philip K. Chapman, Australian-American astronaut and engineer (first Australian-born American astronaut, serving for about five years in NASA Astronaut Group 6)
  • 1936 Dean Stockwell, North Hollywood, California, actor (Quantum Leap, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Street Gear, JAG, Battlestar Galactica)
  • 1942 Mike Resnick, American author and editor (Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge, The 43 Antarean Dynasties, Travels with My Cats, Alastair Baffle’s Emporium of Wonders, A Hunger in the Soul, The Master of Dreams)
  • 1955 Penn Jillette, Greenfield, Massachusetts, magician (half of the team Penn & Teller), actor, and author
  • 1957 Ray Suarez, Brooklyn, New York, journalist (PBS NewsHour, America Abroad, Talk of the Nation) and author (How I Learned English, Saving America’s Treasures, About Men)
  • 1958 Andy Gibb, English-Australian singer-songwriter and actor (d. 1988, youngest brother of the Bee Gees: Barry, Robin, and Maurice Gibb)
  • 1971 Yuri Lowenthal, Ohio, voice actor (Ben 10, Naruto, Afro Samurai, Code Geass, Gurren Lagann, Prince of Persia, Castlevania, Saints Row, Persona 4), producer, and screenwriter
  • 1974 Eva Mendes, Miami, Florida, model and actress (Training Day, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Ghost Rider, Stuck on You, Hitch)
  • 1993 Joshua Coyne, Kansas City, MO, violinist and composer (Performed at Rally for Change, Rent, Kennedy Center)

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You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. – Eric Hoffer
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1770 Boston Massacre: Five Americans, including Crispus Attucks, are fatally shot by British troops in an event that would contribute to the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War (also known as the American War of Independence) five years later.
  • 1836 Samuel Colt patents the first production-model revolver, the .34-caliber.
  • 1872 George Westinghouse patents the air brake.
  • 1933 President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares a “bank holiday” during the Great Depression, closing all U.S. banks and freezing all financial transactions.
  • 1943 First Flight of the Gloster Meteor, Britain’s first combat jet aircraft.
  • 1946 Winston Churchill coins the phrase “Iron Curtain” in his speech during the Cold War at Westminster College, Missouri.
  • 1963 American country music stars Patsy Cline, Hawkshaw Hawkins, Cowboy Copas and their pilot Randy Hughes are killed in a plane crash in Camden, Tennessee.
  • 1978 The Landsat 3 is launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California.
  • 1981 The ZX81, a pioneering British home computer, is launched by Sinclair Research and would go on to sell over 1.5 million units around the world.

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In his Sunday sermon, the minister used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.

“Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”

“Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“One hundred and one.”

“Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world.”
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, “I outlived every one of them!”
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REMEMBER: SENIOR CITIZENS ARE VALUABLE

~ We have silver in our hair.
~ We have gold in our teeth.

~ We have stones in our kidneys.
~ We have lead in our feet and…

~ We are loaded with natural gas.
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ONE-LINERS: The Washington Post asked readers to create a new word by dropping the first letter of an existing word. Some of the winning entries:

~ Amished: Hungering for a simpler way of life.
~ Ammogram: A loaded message.
~ Iarrhea: Running on about oneself.

~ Ickpocket: A place to put your used Kleenex.
~ Oxtrot: A particularly ungraceful “Dancing With the Stars” performance.

~ Riskies: Chinese-made cat food.
~ Unich: German city voted World’s Safest Town for Women.
~ Urple: The color of vomit.
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While working in the psychology department at a local college, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and asked, “Can I get something blown up down there?”

After a pause, the voice on the line replied, “I think you want the chemistry lab.”
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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

Georgie grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Georgie.
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Other acronyms for person-generated computer errors:

~ C2K: “Chair to Keyboard” problem
~ ESO: Equipment Smarter than Operator
~ TSTO: Too Stupid To Operate

~ EBK: Error Behind Keyboard
~ EBCAC: Error Between Computer And Chair
~ PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.

~ CBE: Carbon-Based Error
~ OHE: Operator Headspace Error
~ PICNIC error: Problem In Chair Not In Computer

~ EEOC: Equipment Exceeds Operator Capabilities
~ Code 18: The problem is located 18 inches away from the monitor.
~ Layer 8/9 error: There are seven layers in the OSI model of computer networks. The 8th layer is the user.
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pic of the day: Araucana chick on African violet

Araucana chick on African violet
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ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5. For guests that say “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.
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GOLDEN OLDIE: TRUE LOVE . . .

~ If you love something, set it free.
~ If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
~ If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

HOWEVER…

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your car,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn’t work out that way — Judge D. was finding any means possible to give a convicted felon the minimum prison time possible.

When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger, “How can you justify your unwillingness to use the three strikes law?”

Judge Dan answered immediately, “I refuse to pronounce a long sentence because it is beyond my jury’s diction.”
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The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
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Parenthood…

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
And finally:

If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirins and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!
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A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

“It’s pretty good Pa. The food’s not bad, the work’s easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning.”
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
The bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who invented the coat hanger? In 1903, Albert J. Parkhouse, an employee of the Timberlake Wire and Novelty Company in Jackson, Michigan, tired of hearing the complaints of coworkers about too few coat hooks in the factory, bent a piece of wire into two ovals and twisted the ends together to form a hook, and thus invented the first basic wire hanger. Although Parkhouse patented his invention it is unlikely that he profited from it.

~ Do moths really eat clothing?  Moths in the adult stage are not responsible for damaging woolen clothing. Our wearables are attacked only by moths in the larval state, and then only by one family of moths, the Tineidae.

~ When did Dick Tracy win an Oscar? After Spencer Tracy won the 1937 Best Actor Oscar for Captains Courageous, the gold statuette was sent out to be inscribed. When it was returned to the actor, it was engraved “To Dick Tracy.” The Academy was justifiably embarrassed by the error.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: She was what we used to call a suicide blonde – dyed by her own hand – Saul Bellow

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The willow which bends to the tempest, often escapes better than the oak which resists it; and so in great calamities, it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner than those of a loftier character. -Walter Scott, novelist and poet (1771-1832)

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