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May 12th

You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. – Yogi Berra


TODAY – MAY 12th

132nd day of the year (133rd in leap years) with 233 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day
~ National Limerick Day
~ National Nutty Fudge Day
~ National Odometer Day
~ International Nurses Day
~ ME/CFS International Awareness Day (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 Florence Nightingale, British nurse (Crimean War, pioneer in nursing)
  • 1828 Dante Gabriel Rossetti, England, poet/painter (Pre-Raphaelite)
  • 1906 Maurice Ewing, Lockney, Texas, geophysicist and oceanographer (understanding of marine sediments and ocean basins, submarine sound transmission – including the SOFAR channel, ocean bottom photography)
  • 1907 Katharine Hepburn, Hartford, Connecticut, actress (African Queen, Adam’s Rib, On Golden Pond)
  • 1915 Mary Kay Ash, Hot Wells, Texas, businesswoman (Mary Kay Cosmetics)
  • 1925 Lawrence “Yogi” Berra, St. Louis, Missouri, New York Yankee catcher/coach/manager, Mets, Astros
  • 1929 Burt Bacharach, Kansas City MO, composer (I’ll Never Fall in Love Again)
  • 1946 L. Neil Smith, Denver, Colorado, science fiction author (N. American Confederacy series, Lando Calrissian triology, Forge of the Eldars series)
  • 1962 Emilio Estevez, Staten Island, New York, actor (Breakfast Club, Young Guns, Mighty Ducks, Repo Man)
  • 1963 Jerry Trimble, Newport, Kentucky, actor/ stuntman (Green Hornet, Charlie’s Angels, Heat, Young Guns)
  • 1963 Vanessa Williams, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Melrose Place; Soul Food, Erased, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, 666 Park Avenue)
  • 1966 Stephen Baldwin, Massapequa, New York, actor (Beast, Lawrenceville Stories, Usual Suspects, Young Riders, The Networker)
  • 1968 Tony Hawk, San Diego, California, skateboarder (900, video games)
  • 1968 Scott Schwartz, Sacramento, California, actor (The Toy, Christmas Story, A Time To Live)
  • 1969 Kim Fields, NYC, actress (Tootie/The Facts of Life, Living Single, Dancing with the Stars season 22)
  • 1973 Travis Lutter, Chamberlain, South Dakota, mixed martial arts fighter (Ultimate Fighter 4 winner)
  • 1981 Rami Malek, Los Angeles, California, actor (War at Home, Night at the Museum, Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Need for Speed, Mr. Robot)
  • 1992 Malcolm David Kelley, Bellflower, California, actor (You Got Served, Lost, Gigantic)

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When you come to a fork in the road, take it. – Yogi Berra
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1551 National University of San Marcos, the oldest university in the Americas, is founded in Lima, Peru.
  • 1816 The first printing press invented in America, Columbian Press, was designed by George E. Clymer in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1932 Ten weeks after his abduction, the infant son of Charles Lindbergh is found dead in Hopewell, New Jersey.
  • 1935 Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith (founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) meet for the first time in Akron, Ohio, at the home of Henrietta Siberling.
  • 1936 Dvorak typewriter keyboard was patented in the U.S. by Dvorak and Dealey (Patent No. 2,040,248).
  • 1942 Holocaust: There are 1,500 Jews are sent to gas chambers in Auschwitz.
  • 1958 Formal North American Aerospace Defense Command agreement is signed between the US and Canada.
  • 1962 Douglas MacArthur delivers his famous “Duty, Honor, Country” valedictory speech at West Point.
  • 2002 Former President Jimmy Carter arrives in Cuba for a five-day visit with Fidel Castro becoming first President of the United States, in or out of office, to visit the island since Castro’s 1959 revolution.
  • 2004 Discovery of what was believed to be the world’s oldest seat of learning, the Library of Alexandria, announced by Zahi Hawass, president of Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities, during a conference at the University of California.
  • 2008 Earthquake (measuring around 8.0 magnitude) occurs in Sichuan, China, killing over 69,000 people.
  • 2008 U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement conducts the largest-ever raid of a workplace in Postville, Iowa, arresting nearly 400 immigrants for identity theft and document fraud.
  • 2015 A train derailment in Philadelphia kills 8 people and injures over 200.

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This actually appears on the coffee cup that is purchased in our cafeteria:

Whoa! Contents may be HOT. Of course its hot. It’s coffee. If you wanted cold coffee you would have asked for cold coffee, and if you didn’t ask for cold coffee and we gave it to you anyway, well that wouldn’t be very good either, so we really have no choice but to print one of these warning things telling you it’s hot, but we also realize that if you’re smart enough to buy K&F coffee, you’re probably smart enough to wait a few minutes or put some cream in it or something, and even if you didn’t and you’ve already read this far, chances are your coffee is just about the right temperature to drink now, but be careful anyway. Thanks. K&F Select Coffee.

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This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is when you stop for a red light a young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this!
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
I wasn’t able to find them on Sunday…

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ONE-LINERS:10 Reasons You Need a Vacation from your Dogs

~ The emergency number on your speed dial is for the dog’s veterinarian.
~ You can’t sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom
~ When your spouse’s shocked voice shouts from the shop, “Honey, come quick, I’ve had a terrible accident!”, you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer.

~ When someone asks what’s for dinner you automatically reply, “Kibbles and Bits”.
~ When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, “Off!”, then “Down!”.
~ You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.

~ When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout “Go to your crates, now!”
~ When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.

~ When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, “Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets.”
~ When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, “Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!”
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“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Sure now, we only have a carport.”

The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out of bed.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”
“Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the connubial.”

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”
“Bless you, sir. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Sure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”
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pic of the day: Storm Brewing..

storm brewing
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These are the laws of the natural universe:

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there’s never anyone in the checkout line.
~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
~ Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You’re sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

~ Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~ Law of the Last Word: “Hey, watch this!”
~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A Little League team is playing a game on a ball field that’s adjacent to a large ranch where cattle, swine and poultry are raised. The game is very close and hotly contested.

It’s the bottom of the ninth inning, and the home team is one run behind with a runner on second base. The batter is nervous as the count goes to three balls and two strikes. The next pitch could well decide the game.

Just as the pitch is thrown, a large hog breaks through the center field fence and runs onto the field.

At that exact moment, the batter manages a direct hit on the incoming pitch and launches the ball into the outfield.

The ball heads straight for the boar and hits him on the flank.

The pig stops in his tracks, grabs the ball in his mouth, swallows it, runs back through the fence and disappears.

The umpire rules that the home team won on an inside-the-pork home run.

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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really you, grandmother?”, the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”

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A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, “There’s that woman that the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. “Where? Where?” she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!”

“Yes, I know,” the husband grinned.

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A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”
“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”
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To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Where do tarantulas live? The tarantula spends most of its life within its burrow, which is an 18-inch vertical hole with an inch-wide opening. When male tarantulas are between the ages of 5 to 7 years, they leave the burrow in search of a female, usually in the early fall. This migration actually signals the end of their life cycle. The males mate with as many females as they can, and then they die around mid-November.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. – Yogi Berra

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra

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