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May 13th

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway. – Steven Coallier


TODAY – MAY 13th

133rd day of the year (134th in leap years) with 232 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Hummus Day
~ Leprechaun Day
~ National Apple Pie Day
~ National Crouton Day
~ National Frog Jumping Day
~ National Fruit Cocktail Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1907 Daphne du Maurier, English author (Rebecca, Jamaica Inn, The Birds, Don’t Look Now)
  • 1914 Joe Louis, La Fayette, Alabama, world heavyweight boxing champion (1937-49)
  • 1926 Beatrice Arthur, New York City, New York, actress (Maude, Dorothy /Golden Girls)
  • 1937 Roger Zelazny, Euclid, Ohio, sci-fi author (6 Hugos, Chronicles of Amber, Lord of Light, Damnation Alley)
  • 1938 Francine Pascal, American author (Sweet Valley series)
  • 1939 Harvey Keitel, Brooklyn, NY, actor (Taxi Driver, Thelma & Louise, Bugsy, Reservoir Dogs, Rising Sun, U-571, Life on mars,The Last Godfather, The Grand Budapest Hotel, By the Gun, Youth)
  • 1944 Armistead Maupin, Washington, D.C., author (Tales of the City novels, Maybe the Moon, Night Listener)
  • 1947 Stephen R Donaldson, Cleveland, Ohio, sci-fi author (Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever; The Gap Cycle)
  • 1950 Stevie Wonder, Saginaw, Michigan, singer/songwriter (I Just Called To Say I Love You, Superstition, You are The Sunshine of My Life, My Cherie Amour)
  • 1964 Stephen Colbert, Washington DC, satirist, comedian and actor (The Colbert Report, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert)
  • 1965 Tasmin Little, English violinist (string section finalist in the 1982 BBC Young Musician of the Year competition)
  • 1993 Debby Ryan, Huntsville, Alabama, actress (Jessie, The Suite Life on Deck, The Longshots, Radio Rebel, Sing It!)

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Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us. – Thomas L. Holdcroft
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1821 First practical and successful printing press to be built in America patented by Samuel Rust of New York City.
  • 1846 US declares war on Mexico, 2 months after fighting begins.
  • 1873 Sewing machine lamp holder patent (No. 138,831) by Ludwig M. Wolf of Avon, CT, which was introduced by the Singer Sewing Machine Co. in 1876.
  • 1884 American Institute of Electrical Engineers (AIEE) formed.
  • 1890 Patent for an electric generator (No. 428,057) issued to Nikola Tesla.
  • 1940 Germany’s conquest of France begins; Churchill makes his “blood, toil, tears, and sweat” speech to the House of Commons.
  • 1949 First gas turbine to pump natural gas installed at Wilmar, Arkansas, by the Mississippi River Fuel Corp.
  • 1958 Velcro trade mark is registered.
  • 1958 The first and only person to circumnavigate the world by amphibious vehicle, Ben Carlin, traveled over 11,000 miles (17,000 kilometres) by sea and 39,000 miles (62,000 kilometres) by land over a ten-year period.
  • 1981 Pope John Paul II shot, wounded by assailant in St Peter’s Square.
  • 1989 Approximately 2,000 students begin hunger strike in Tiananmen Square, China.
  • 1995 Alison Hargreaves, a 33-year-old British mother, becomes the first woman to conquer Everest without oxygen or the help of sherpas.

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An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

“You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”

“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.
“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
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A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ”Well, all of those models are very scarce Miss, you’re lucky we even have any in stock.”

”Scarce?” she said, her voice rising. ”Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock.”

”Exactly right.” the salesman smiled. ”There’s such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn’t pay to ship them.”
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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
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ONE-LINERS: Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

~ I’m getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
~ You know, I think I’d really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
~ Golly I think we’re lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

~ Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
~ If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
~ My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don’t you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

~ You know, we really don’t visit your relatives enough.
~ Why don’t you relax this weekend. I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.
~ If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
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Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, ‘Jesus Paid It All.’
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang ‘Oh, Why Not Tonight.’
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.’
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In Honor of National Frog Jumping Day . . .

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! Every night I dream that I’m a car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW.

Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?”

“Don’t worry. You’re just having an auto-body experience.”

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Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything. One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem.

The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off. Then the one farmer said to the other, ‘Some stupid neighbor we have, it’s not his feet that’s too long, it’s his ears!’

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A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”

“No,” he replied. “A whole lot of them begin with ‘If elected, I promise…'”
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn’t find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. “Mark,” she called to her co-worker, “what are we calling black this year?”
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Computer Gender. . .
Why computers should be considered masculine:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers should be considered feminine:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is an emerald worth more than a diamond? While diamonds are usually considered the most precious of stones, a large, near flawless emerald is worth considerably more than a diamond of the same size.

~ Why is this National Frog Jumping Day? Mark Twain’s story about a pet frog named Dan’l Webster and a casual competition between two men betting on whose frog jumps higher, is the origin of National Frog Jumping Day.

~ Why is it called ‘fruit cocktail’ when there is no alcohol in it? The word “cocktail” in the name, does not refer to alcohol. The secondary definition of a cocktail is “An appetizer made by combining pieces of food, such as fruit or seafood.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: “He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.” – Douglas Adams

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind. – Daphne Du Maurier

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