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May 14th

We are the captains of our own ships sailing the sea of life, but in times of a stormy weather, you will discover true friends when they don’t hesitate to be a lighthouse. – Dodinsky

TODAY – MAY 14th

134th day of the year (135th in leap years) with 231 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Dance Like a Chicken Day
~ National Buttermilk Biscuit Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1928 Frederik H. Kreuger, Amsterdam, scientist and inventor (author of technical literature, nonfiction books, thrillers and a decisive biography of the master forger Han van Meegeren)
  • 1936 Bobby Darin, The Bronx, New York, singer (Splish Splash, Dream Lover, Mack the Knife, Beyond the Sea)
  • 1944 George Lucas, Modesto, California, film director (Star Wars, Indiana Jones)
  • 1952 Donald R. McMonagle, Flint, Michigan, astronaut (over 605 hours in space – missions STS-39, STS-54, STS-66; former Manager, Launch Integration at Kennedy Space Center; chair of Mission Management team)
  • 1959 Robert Greene, Los Angeles, California, author (48 Laws of Power, The 50th Law, Mastery)
  • 1961 Tim Roth, English actor (Pulp Fiction, Planet of the Apes, The Incredible Hulk, Rob Roy, Lie to Me)
  • 1962 Danny Huston, Rome, Italy, American actor (Way, Robin Hood, The Constant Gardener, Wrath of the Titans )
  • 1964 James M. Kelly, Burlington, Iowa, Air Force pilot, astronaut (STS-102, STS-114)
  • 1969 Cate Blanchett, Australian actress (Elizabeth, Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Aviator, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Thor: Ragnarok)
  • 1969 Danny Wood, Boston, Massachusetts, singer (New Kids on the Block)
  • 1983 Amber Tamblyn, Santa Monica, California, actress (Joan of Arcadia, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, The Grudge 2, House)
  • 1984 Mark Zuckerberg, White Plains, New York, internet entrepreneur & computer programmer (co-founder of Facebook)
  • 1993 Miranda Cosgrove, Los Angeles, California, actress and singer (Guinness World Records as the Highest Paid Child Actress for iCarly; Drake & Josh; Margo in Despicable Me )

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If an expert says it can’t be done, get another expert. – David Ben-Gurion
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1607 Jamestown, Virginia is settled as an English colony.
  • 1787 In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, delegates convene a Constitutional Convention to write a new Constitution for the United States; George Washington presides.
  • 1796 Edward Jenner administers the first smallpox vaccination.
  • 1804 The Lewis and Clark Expedition departs from Camp Dubois and begins its historic journey by traveling up the Missouri River.
  • 1913 New York Governor William Sulzer approves the charter for the Rockefeller Foundation, which begins operations with a $100 million donation from John D. Rockefeller.
  • 1939 Lina Medina becomes the youngest confirmed mother in medical history at the age of five.
  • 1948 Israel is declared to be an independent state and a provisional government is established. Immediately after the declaration, Israel is attacked by the neighboring Arab states, triggering the 1948 Arab-Israeli War.
  • 1973 Skylab, the United States’ first space station, is launched.
  • 1988 Carrollton bus collision: a drunk driver traveling the wrong way on Interstate 71 near Carrollton, Kentucky, United States hits a converted school bus carrying a church youth group. The crash and ensuing fire kill 27.

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A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, ‘We need some four-by-twos.’
The clerk said, ‘You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?’
The man said, ‘I’ll go check,’ and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, ‘Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.’

‘Alright. How long do you need them?’
The customer paused for a minute and said, ‘I’d better go check.’
After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, ‘A long time. We’re gonna build a house.’
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golden oldie… The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
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ONE-LINERS: Human Resources & The 7 Dwarfs . . . In every Human Resources report, there is a reason for termination. There are so many possibilities, that we have narrowed the list down to the 7 dwarfs. Here they are:
~ Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.
~ Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
~ Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

~ Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.
~ Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.
~ Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.
~ Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.
OTHERS

~ Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.
~ Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.
~ Huntsman: Couldn’t stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.
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When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
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Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life.”
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pic of the day: Lord of the Dance

rooster as lord of the dance
In honor of “Dance Like a Chicken Day!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!
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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

“Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

“The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. “Well, Mister, I told her!”
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Interviewer to applicant: “If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in this business you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?”

Applicant: “Well, I suppose. But you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”
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Reasons to Add Chocolate to Your Diet

~ Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

~ To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

~ If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?
~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
~ Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
~ REMEMBER: “Stressed” spelled backward is “desserts.”
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I took my goober girlfriend to dinner in a fancy restaurant. When our drinks were served, I raised my glass and said, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“What’s that mean?” asked my girlfriend.
“That is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well.” Picking up her glass she said, “Here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”
“That’s French toast.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I would gladly trade in my “Caller I.D.” for a “Caller I.Q.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you. If you don’t have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you’ll stop at the first giant hurdle. – George Lucas

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