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May 15th

The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. –  Tom Bodett

TODAY – MAY 15th

135th day of the year (136th in leap years) with 230 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day of Families
~ National Chocolate Chip Day
~ Peace Officer’s Memorial Day
~ International Conscientious Objectors Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1856 L. Frank Baum, Chittenango, New York, author (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
  • 1859 Pierre Curie, Paris, France, physicist (Nobel /radioactivity)
  • 1942 K. T. Oslin, Crossett, Arkansas, musician & songwriter (country music)
  • 1949 Frank Culbertson, Charleston, South Carolina, astronaut (STS-38, STS-51, STS-105, Expedition 3, STS-108)
  • 1950 Nicholas Hammond, Washington, D.C., actor (The Sound of Music, The Amazing Spider-Man tv series, Mirror Mirror, Gallipoli)
  • 1955 Lee Horsley, Muleshoe, Texas, actor (Nero Wolfe, Matt Houston, Paradise, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Hateful Eight; recorded audiobook edition of Lonesome Dove)
  • 1957 Meg Gardiner, Oklahoma, crime fiction author (Evan Delaney series; China Lake, The Dirty Secrets Club, The Nightmare Thief, Ransom River)
  • 1967 Laura Hillenbrand, Fairfax, Virginia, author (Seabiscuit: An American Legend)
  • 1969 Emmitt Smith, Pensacola, Florida, football player (Dallas Cowboys & Arizona Cardinals) and sportscaster; (Dancing w/the Stars 3rd & 15th seasons)
  • 1978 David Krumholtz, Queens, New York City, actor (The Santa Clause, Serenity, Numb3rs, All Hail King Julien, The Deuce)
  • 1981 Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Queens, New York, actress (The Sopranos, Entourage)

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In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder. – Michael S. McKinney
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1862 President Abraham Lincoln signs a bill into law creating the United States Bureau of Agriculture. It is later renamed the United States Department of Agriculture.
  • 1869 Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association.
  • 1911 In Standard Oil Co. of New Jersey v. United States, the United States Supreme Court declares Standard Oil to be an “unreasonable” monopoly under the Sherman Antitrust Act and orders the company to be broken up.
  • 1919 The Winnipeg General Strike begins. By 11:00 am, almost the whole working population of Winnipeg, Manitoba had walked off the job.
  • 1928 Mickey Mouse premiered in his first cartoon, Plane Crazy.
  • 1940 McDonald’s opens its first restaurant in San Bernardino, California.
  • 1942 World War II: in the United States, a bill creating the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC) is signed into law.
  • 1963 Launch of the final Mercury mission, Mercury-Atlas 9 with astronaut L. Gordon Cooper on board. He became the first American to spend more than a day in space.
  • 1970 President Richard Nixon appoints Anna Mae Hays and Elizabeth P. Hoisington the first female United States Army Generals.
  • 1972 In Laurel, Maryland, Arthur Bremer shoots and paralyzes Alabama Governor George Wallace while he is campaigning to become President.
  • 2010 Jessica Watson becomes the youngest person to sail, non-stop and unassisted around the world solo.

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I was in New York’s Grand Central Terminal on my way to Connecticut. I was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford. Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, “Do I need to change?”

“No,” he replied immediately. “You’re fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated.”
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Rules for hunting lawyers

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, $100 bills or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, accident victim, bookie or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender Unlimited, $100 bounty
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A female journalist was interviewing the manager of a factory that only hired married men. “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, inferior or what?”

“Not at all, ma’am. It’s just because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don’t pout when we yell at them.”
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Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything else in the world.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife. Can you promise me that you’ll do that?”

His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.

When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black, sitting beside her best friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife rose from her seat and said, “Wait just a minute!”

With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?’

The wife said to her friend, “Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket with him and I did.”

The friend was horrified and asked, “You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?”

The wife replied, “I sure did…I wrote him a check.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
~A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

~With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
~Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
~The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
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Two airheads had a mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts, kicking violently.

One day, the airheads decided to cut an opening in the top of the stall, to prevent this from happening. It was difficult work because the stall was made of very thick hardwood.

While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing. They explained the problem. The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of effort if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The airheads thanked their neighbor and he drove off.

Then the one airhead said to the other, “Some stupid neighbor we have! It’s not his feet that are too long. It’s his ears!”
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Golden Oldie… A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer said to his lawyer, “I don’t want to go to jail.”

The lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.”

And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
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“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good. I’ve been very weak.”

“Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 18 days.”

“That’s terrible, Mom. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
“Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: When did the Yankees first wear pinstripes? Pinstripes were added to New York Yankee jerseys in 1912, and then shelved for two seasons. They were re-introduced in 1915.

~How large are your lungs? The lungs of an average adult, unfolded and flattened out, would cover an area the size of a tennis court.

~Was Sherwood successful as a songwriter? Sherwood Schwartz, who wrote both The Brady Bunch and Gilligan’s Island TV themes, reported that he earns about $60,000 each year from those two theme songs alone.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell – Aldous Huxley

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abe Lincoln

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