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May 29th

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. – Dalai Lama
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TODAY – MAY 29

149th day of the year (150th in leap years) with 216 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers
~ Learn About Composting Day
~ National Biscuit Day
~ National Coq Au Vin Day
~ National Paperclip Day
~ Statehood Day (Rhode Island and Wisconsin)
~ World Digestive Health Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1736 Patrick Henry, Hanover County, Virginia, patriot, 1st & 6th Governor of Virginia (“Give me liberty, or give me death!”)
  • 1874 G. K. Chesterton, English author (Orthodoxy, The Everlasting Man, Father Brown stories)
  • 1893 Max Brand, Seattle, Washington, author and war correspondent (Destry Rides Again, Dr. Kildare)
  • 1903 Bob Hope, British-born comedian and actor (did 199 known USO shows for U.S. armed forces; The Paleface, Road to Bali, The Iron Petticoat, Beau James)
  • 1917 John F. Kennedy, Brookline, Massachusetts, 35th President of the United States (assassinated 11-22-1963)
  • 1939 Al Unser, Sr., Albuquerque, New Mexico, race car driver (won Indianapolis 500 4 times)
  • 1942 Kevin Conway, New York City, New York, actor (Slaughterhouse-Five, Streets of Laredo, The Quick and the Dead, Mercury Rising, Oz)
  • 1957 Ted Levine, Bellaire, Ohio, actor (Silence of the Lambs, Monk, The Manchurian Candidate, The Hills Have Eyes, Banshee Chapter, The Bridge, Bottom of the World)
  • 1958 Annette Bening, Topeka, Kansas, actress (The Grifters, The American President, American Beauty, The Kids are all Right, Being Julia, Imagine, Ginger & Rosa, The Face of Love)
  • 1958 Wayne Duvall, Silver Spring, Maryland, actor (O Brother Where Art Thou?, Leatherheads, Duplicity, The District)
  • 1961 Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth, Kansas, singer-songwriter, guitarist, and activist
  • 1989 Brandon Mychal Smith, Los Angeles, California, actor and musician (Phil of the Future, Gridiron Gang, So Random!, You’re The Worst, Sweet/Vicious)

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You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. – Eric Hoffer
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1790 Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States’ colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state.
  • 1848 Wisconsin is admitted as the 30th U.S. state.
  • 1886 Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal.
  • 1919 Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington and Andrew Crommelin.
  • 1942 Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”, the best-selling Christmas single in history.
  • 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1985 Amputee Steve Fonyo completes cross-Canada marathon at Victoria, British Columbia, after 14 months.
  • 1999 Space Shuttle Discovery completes the first docking with the International Space Station.
  • 2001 U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments.
  • 2004 The World War II Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C.
  • 2015 One World Observatory at One World Trade Center opens.

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An airhead and a friend are running a ranch together in Louisiana.

They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The friend takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.”

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch. Bring the trailer.”

The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are 75 cents per word.”

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”

“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

“Comfortable,” replies the friend.

The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”

The friend replies, “She’s an airhead and reads REAL slow. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

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** Ten Laws of Computing **

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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ONE-LINERS: If My Body Were a Car . . .
~ If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
~ I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it.
~ My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
~ My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
~ My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
~ It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
~ My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
~ But here’s the worst of it — almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter…..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: “Where did you get all that money?”

“At Sunday school,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

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pic of the day: Chimney Rock, North Carolina

Chimney Rock
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WARNING! PUNNY BOOK TITLES:

“Totally Pale” by Al Binow

“Outdoor Advertising” by Bill Bored

“The Helper” by Abel N. Willin

“The New Year” by Jan Yuary

“Follow Your Dreams” by Jason Rainbos

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WHAT THOSE CAR NAMES REALLY MEAN:

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
(backwards) -> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

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A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.

‘What’s in the bags? demanded the guard.
‘Sand,’ the cyclist answered.
‘Take them off. I need to take a look.’ retorted the guard.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.

‘Hey, where have you been?’ the guard inquired. ‘You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?’

The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, ‘Bicycles!’

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A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside.”

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The minister had a problem — the collections weren’t bringing in enough money for all the parish’s needs.

So on Sunday he announced from the pulpit, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief.”

For the first time in months everybody gave.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What made Gog so special? The sci-fi flick Gog (1954), in which a nuclear “brain” takes over a secret laboratory, was the first film to have a computer appear as a main character in a movie.

~Is there really a moth that drinks blood from animals? Absolutely — it’s the aptly named Asian Vampire Moth. This strange insect pierces the skin of animals with its sharp proboscis and drinks the animals’ blood. Even more disturbingly, some moths feed on nothing but the eye fluids of cattle and deer. Most moths and butterflies, on the other hand, feed on nectar and pollen from flowers or on a variety of moist, rotting matter such as fruit, sap, and animal droppings. Some moths don’t eat at all as adults and have very short life spans.

~What happens to energy when you’re done with it? When energy is used, it doesn’t disappear; it merely goes elsewhere or is changed into another form.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.” – Einstein

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