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May 31st

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – MAY 31st

151st day of the year (152nd in leap years) with 214 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ National Macaroon Day
~ Save Your Hearing Day
~ World No Tobacco Day
~ Speak In Complete Sentences Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1162 Genghis Khan, Khagan of the Mongol Empire
  • 1819 Walt Whitman, West Hills, New York, poet (Leaves of Grass)
  • 1894 Fred Allen, Cambridge, Massachusetts, comedian (master ad libber, topically pointed radio show)
  • 1898 Norman Vincent Peale, Bowersville, Ohio, minister and author (Power of Positive Thinking)
  • 1930 Clint Eastwood, San Francisco, California, actor (Rawhide, Dirty Harry, Unforgiven, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Million Dollar Baby, Gran Tornio)/ mayor (Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA, 1986-1988)
  • 1943 Joe Namath, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, former NFL quarterback (played college football for University of Alabama under coach “Bear” Bryant; AFL (New York Jets); NFL (Los Angeles Rams) the $400,000 man (1969 Superbowl))
  • 1943 Sharon Gless, Los Angeles, California, actress (Cagney & Lacey, Switch, Burn Notice, Adoptable)
  • 1949 Tom Berenger, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Sniper, The Big Chill, Platoon, Major Crimes)
  • 1961 Lea Thompson, Rochester, Minnesota, actress (Caroline in the City, Space Camp, Marty McFly’s mother in the Back to the Future trilogy, Switched at Birth)
  • 1965 Brooke Shields, New York City, actress and supermodel (Pretty Baby, The Blue Lagoon, Suddenly Susan, That ’70s Show, Lipstick Jungle, Flower Shop Mystery)
  • 1968 John Connoly, Irish author (PI Charlie Parker series – Every Dead Thing, The Reapers, The Burning Soul)
  • 1976 Colin Farrell, Irish actor (In Bruges, Tigerland, Minority Report, The Recruit, Total Recall, True Detective, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them)
  • 1982 Jonathan Tucker, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hostage, In the Valley of Elah, The Ruins, Justified, Kingdom, American Gods)

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Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind. – Samuel Johnson
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1678 Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry in a protest of taxes.
  • 1790 The United States enacts its first copyright statute, the Copyright Act of 1790.
  • 1870 Belgian Professor Edward J. de Smedt patented sheet asphalt pavement.
  • 1884 Dr John Harvey Kellogg patents “flaked cereal”.
  • 1889 Johnstown Flood: Over 2,200 people die after a dam break sends a 60-foot (18-meter) wall of water over the town of Johnstown, Pennsylvania.
  • 1911 The ocean liner R.M.S. Titanic is launched.
  • 1927 The last Ford Model T rolls off the assembly line after a production run of 15,007,003 vehicles.
  • 1929 The first talking cartoon of Mickey Mouse, “The Karnival Kid”, is released.
  • 1977 The Trans-Alaska Pipeline System completed.
  • 1985 United States-Canadian tornado outbreak: Forty-one tornadoes hit Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Ontario, leaving 76 dead.
  • 1990 Seinfeld starring Jerry Seinfeld, debuts on NBC as Seinfeld Chronicles.
  • 2013 Asteroid 1998 QE2 and its moon made their closest approach to Earth for the next two centuries.

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It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap.

The clergyman silently sizzled, then cried in anguished tones, “Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?”
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Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a goat!
Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?
Patient: Ever since I was a kid.
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CAMPING HINTS

~ When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
~ To get even with a bear who raided your food bag, kick his favorite stump apart and eat all the ants.
~ You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

~ Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
~ A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
~ A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

~ Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
~ The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
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ONE-LINERS: Smart Women Speak Up. . .
~ I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
~ You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
~ I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

~ My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
~ I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
~ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

~ If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ’em. -Sue Grafton
~ I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
~ I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead
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Ruth and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Ruth begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is a lawyer and she has three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”
Ruth says, “No children? … and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”
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Golden Oldie… Some race horses are boasting about their track records.
The first horse says, “In my last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
The second says, “In my last 27, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good,” says the third, “but in my last 36, I’ve won 28!”
At this point a greyhound dog speaks up. “I don’t mean to brag,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed.

“Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
~ Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
~ He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

~ Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
~ I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

~ A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
~ I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
~ A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

“Get well soon….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
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A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn’t get over how beautiful everything was – the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.

Finally, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?”

The wife said, “Yes.”
The husband replied, “Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn’t have done that?”
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First guy: “You look sad, what’s the trouble?”
Second guy: “I’m having domestic problems.”

First guy: “But you’re always bragging that your wife is a pearl!”
Second guy: “She is! It’s the mother-of-pearl that’s a problem.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many people did Kirk command? Captain Kirk’s Enterprise crew numbered 430. His successor, Captain Picard, had 1,012 under his command.

~ When does your hair grow slowest? Hair grows slowest at night. It speeds up in the morning, slows in the afternoon, and grows faster again in the evening. Hair grows faster in summer than in winter.

~ Why is there a string on the Animal Crackers box? The Animal Crackers box is designed with a string handle because the animal shaped cookie treats introduced in 1902 as a Christmas novelty were packaged so they could be hung from Christmas trees.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Even a mosquito doesn’t get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

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