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May 9th

Live with no excuses and love with no regrets. – Montel

TODAY – MAY 9th

129th day of the year (130th in leap years) with 236 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ Lost Sock Memorial Day
~ National Butterscotch Brownie Day
~ National Bike Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1800 John Brown, Torrington, Connecticut, abolitionist (led attack on Harpers Ferry, WV)
  • 1860 Sir James Matthew Barrie, Scotland, author (Margaret Ogilvy, Peter Pan, The Little Minister)
  • 1882 Henry J Kaiser, Sprout Brook, New York, industrialist (Kaiser Shipyard, Kaiser Aluminum, Kaiser Steel, Kaiser Motors, Kaiser Family Foundation, and Kaiser Permanente health care), father of modern American Shipbuilding (Liberty Ships, Jeeps, Boulder Dam)
  • 1910 Barbara Woodhouse, Ireland, dog training expert (show Training Dogs the Woodhouse Way, “no bad dogs philosophy”)
  • 1918 Mike Wallace, Brookline, Massachusetts, journalist (Biography, 60 Minutes)
  • 1946 Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills, California, actress (Boston Legal, Murphy Brown)
  • 1949 Billy Joel, Hicksville, New York, singer-songwriter and pianist (Piano Man, The Stranger, An Innocent Man)
  • 1962 John Corbett, Wheeling, West Virginia, actor (Northern Exposure, The Visitor, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Sex and the City, Lucky, Montana Sky, United States of Tara)
  • 1979 Rosario Dawson, New York City, New York, actress (Kids, Men in Black II, 25th Hour, Sin City, Clerks II, Rent, Death Proof, The Rundown, Eagle Eye, Alexander, Seven Pounds, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief and Unstoppable, Daredevil)
  • 1982 Rachel Boston, Chattanooga, Tennessee, actress (The Closer, Las Vegas, The Daily Show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Grey’s Anatomy, The Rules of Engagement, Crossing Jordan, Witches of East End)
  • 1985 Audrina Patridge, Placentia, California, actress (Sorority Row, Into The Blue 2, Dream Maker )

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In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away. – shing xiong
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1887 Buffalo Bill Cody’s Wild West Show opens in London.
  • 1914 President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day “as a public expression of love and reverence for the mothers of our country.”
  • 1926 Admiral Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett claim to have flown over the North Pole (later discovery of Byrd’s diary seems to indicate that this did not happen).
  • 1955 Sam and Friends debuts on a local United States television channel, marking the first television appearance of both Jim Henson and what would become Kermit the Frog and The Muppets.
  • 1970 In Washington, D.C., 75,000 to 100,000 war protesters demonstrate in front of the White House to protest the Vietnam War.
  • 1974 As part of the Watergate Scandal, the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee opens formal and public impeachment hearings against President Richard Nixon.
  • 1980 In Florida, Liberian freighter MV Summit Venture collides with the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay, making a 1,400-ft. section of the southbound span collapse. 35 people in six cars and a Greyhound bus fall 150 ft. into the water and die.
  • 1980 In Norco, California, five masked gunman hold up a Security Pacific bank, leading to a violent shoot-out and one of the largest pursuits in California history. Two of the gunmen and one police officer are killed and thirty-three police and civilian vehicles are destroyed in the chase.
  • 1992 Final episode of “Golden Girls” airs on NBC-TV.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.
“The circus?” the duck inquires.
“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a drywall expert?”
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ONE-LINERS: Smart Women Speak Up. . .

~ I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. -Dolly Parton
~ You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
~ I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

~ My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner
~ I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman
~ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

~ If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing ’em. -Sue Grafton
~ I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
~ I think, therefore I’m single. -Lizz Winstead
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The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
“When we had just six children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them.”
“Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”
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DOGGIE PUN ZONE!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: Because no one else will do it for them!

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!
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Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”
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One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant. I escort the patient into the doctor’s office. But before taking this dog’s leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner,”Is she friendly?”

“Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked tyrant. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So I called him a horse’s rear end. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care though; my car was parked around the corner.
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IF BASEBALL WERE RUN BY CATS
~ Hard rubber ball with horsehide cover? History. New ball comes with jingle bells and catnip.
~ No one showers after a game; must lick themselves clean.
~ Catcher=Scratching Post.

~ Each team gets nine outs and that’s it.
~ Interest in the peanuts is secondary to fascination with peanut shells.
~ Base runners must run home. Or they could climb the outfield wall. Or hide in the dugout. Or hide in the bullpen and run home the next morning.

~ A player is no longer charged with an error if they were simply ignoring the play.
~ Pitcher’s mound doubles as a litter box. Umpire checks for foreign substance on ball quadruple.
~ Hacking up a hairball on the umpire is cause for immediate ejection.

~ Seventh inning stretch lasts for the whole inning.
~ Before the game starts, everyone stands for the playing of the sound of a can opener.
[Chris White’s Top Five on Pets w/edits and additional material by Mark Raymond]
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Haiku for the Computer Age:

The Web site you seek
cannot be located
but countless others exist.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again.

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What made Ft. Atkinson so unique? The town of Fort Atkinson, Iowa was the site of the only fort ever built by the U.S. government to protect one Indian tribe from another.

~ What’s a gaffer? A gaffer is the chief electrician on a film set.

~ Why did popcorn purchases slump? Popcorn purchases went into a slump during the early 1950s, when television became popular. Attendance at movie theaters dropped and, with it, popcorn consumption. When the public eventually began eating popcorn at home, the new relationship between television and popcorn led to a resurge in popularity.

~ Which retailer was the first to guarantee satisfaction? Montgomery Ward was the first to advertise “Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back” in 1874 – two years after Aaron Montgomery Ward launched his first mail-order catalog.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus when the limo breaks down. – Oprah Winfrey

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