Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success. – A. P. J. Abdul Kalam
TODAY – OCTOBER 16th
289th day of the year (290th in leap years) with 76 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ Department Store Day
~ Global Cat Day
~ National Boss’s Day
~ National Dictionary Day(commemorates the birthday of Noah Webster)
~ National Fossil Day
~ National Liqueur Day
~ National Sports Day
~ World Anaesthesia Day (commemorates the first successful demonstration of ether anesthesia)
~ World Food Day
~ National Popcorn Poppin’ Month
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
- 1758 Noah Webster, West Hartford, Connecticut, lexicographer and author (American Dictionary)
- 1854 Oscar Wilde, Irish author, poet, and playwright (The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest)
- 1888 Eugene O’Neill, New York City, author (Long Day’s Journey into Night, Beyond the Horizon, The Emperor Jones, Strange Interlude, The Iceman Cometh, Ah Wilderness / Nobel)
- 1925 Angela Lansbury, English-American actress and singer (Mame on Broadway, The Manchurian Candidate, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Death on the Nile, The Mirror Crack’d, Murder She Wrote, Beauty and the Beast, Anastasia, Driving Miss Daisy, Little Women in 2018)
- 1936 Peter Bowles, English actor (To the Manor Born, Perfect Scoundrels, Victoria, We Are Tourists)
- 1946 Suzanne Somers, San Bruno, California, actress (Three’s Company, Step by Step, 20th Dancing w/the Stars), author (Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones)
- 1954 Lorenzo Carcaterra, Hell’s Kitchen, New York, author (Sleepers, Gangster, Paradise City, Midnight Angels, The Wolf)
- 1958 Tim Robbins, West Covina, California, actor, director, and screenwriter (Bull Durham, Jacob’s Ladder, The Play, The Shawshank Redemption, Mystic River, The Brink, Here Now)
- 1975 Kellie Martin, Riverside, California, actress (Life Goes On, Christy, ER, Mystery Woman, Army Wives, The Guest Book)
- 1980 Jeremy Jackson, Newport Beach, California, actor (Baywatch, Ring of Darkness, Expose)
No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed. – Godfrey Winn
- 1793 Marie Antoinette, widow of Louis XVI, is guillotined at the height of the French Revolution.
- 1846 William T. G. Morton first demonstrated ether anesthesia at the Massachusetts General Hospital in the Ether Dome.
- 1847 The novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë is published in London
- 1859 John Brown leads a raid on Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.
- 1923 The Walt Disney Company is founded by Walt Disney and his brother, Roy Disney.
- 1950 The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis is published, starting The Chronicles of Narnia series.
- 1962 The Cuban missile crisis between the United States, Cuba, and the Soviet Union begins when US President John F. Kennedy is shown photographs of missile sites in Cuba.
- 1975 Rahima Banu, a two-year old girl from the village of Kuralia in Bangladesh, is the last known person to be infected with naturally occurring smallpox.
- 1995 The Million Man March occurs in Washington, D.C.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”
“Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her. I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” the CIA man replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they’re down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman……. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
ONE-LINERS: Funny Signs
~ In a funeral parlor: “Ask about our layaway plan.”
~ In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
~ In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
~ On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
~ Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
~ In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
~ In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
~ In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
~ In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
~ On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
~ On the grounds of a public school: “No trespassing without permission.”
~ On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
~ Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: “If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”
~ And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, “Do not throw stones at this sign.”
A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, “Bower, Johnny Bower.” And St. Peter says, “Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We’ll have to send you back down.”
Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, “Of course, but just for a few minutes.” So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, “If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!”
So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, “Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?” The devil grins and says, “Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer.”
It was approaching the end of the year at John’s school, and so near prom time. He decided that he wanted to try his luck and ask the most popular girl in his year out. So he got in line to ask her, and he waited, and he waited, and he waited. When he finally got to the front of the line, he was amazed because the girl said yes! She also handed him a long list of criteria he would have to meet for her to go with him.
The first criterion was a limousine. So he went to the limousine shop and, as it was near prom time, he waited and waited and waited to get to the front of the line and hired a limousine. The second criterion was a suit from the most prestigious clothes maker in the city. So John went to that shop and waited and waited and waited to be fitted. Once he got his suit he looked at the list and chased up the next criteria on the list (roses, tickets, chauffeur, etc.) and at each one he had to wait for a very long line.
Finally it was the night of the prom. John went and picked up the girl in his limousine, had the chauffeur drive them to the prom, picked up his roses, and arrived at the prom venue. To get in to the prom they waited and waited to get in. When they finally got to their seats, John’s girl asked him to get her a glass of punch. When John got to the punch table, he was surprised, because there was no punch line.
A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: “Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men’s tee?!”
He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.
The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, “Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men’s tee?!
At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, “Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!”
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ As the Leaning Tower of Pisa said to Big Ben, “If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the inclination.”
~ I’m afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. I must have Zenophobia.
~ Researchers say that peanut butter can confirm the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. . . When it is being used as a hemorrhoid cream.
~ Someone needs to open an express shop for mending clothes and call it “Tailor Swift.”
~ Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: f it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
~ I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
~ There was an advertisement in a Nebraska newspaper which said, “Tired of the same old taste of a hamburger? Try the great new spread, Getty’s. Available at all Lincoln supermarkets. Give your hamburgers a new taste. Treat your hamburger to … Lincoln’s Getty’s Burger Dress.”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied, “My child, I am sorry, but I didn’t recognize you!”
The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. The arresting officer and the desk sergeant went through their records.
“Look! This is the fifth time this guy has been arrested for this same criminal medical fraud.”
“When were his priors?”
“He was arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.”
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident?” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
TODAY IN TRIVIA: What does a can of corn have to do with baseball? In baseball, a “can of corn” refers to a fly ball that is easy to catch. This phrase reportedly came from an old practice of grocery store clerks, who used to knock unreachable cans off high shelves with a stick and catch them in their work aprons.
~ What does spyware do? Spyware is a type of program that watches what users do with their computer and then sends that information over the internet. Spyware can collect many different types of information about a user. More benign programs can attempt to track what types of websites a user visits and send this information to an advertisement agency. More malicious versions can try to record what a user types to try to intercept passwords or credit card numbers. Yet other versions simply launch popup advertisements.
~ Who pushed Chuck Norris into acting? Actor Steve McQueen encouraged his karate teacher to pursue a career in acting. The teacher? Chuck Norris. McQueen is quoted as telling Norris, “If you can’t do anything else, there’s always acting.”
QUIP OF THE DAY: Experience enables you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success. – Swami Vivekananda