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October 2nd

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. – Mahatma Ghandhi


TODAY – OCTOBER 2nd

275th day of the year (276th in leap years) with 90 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ International Day of Non-Violence
~ Name Your Car Day
~ National Custodial Worker Day
~ National Fried Scallops Day
~ World Day for Farmed Animals
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1869 Mahatma Gandhi, India, leader of independence movement from Britain (inspired non-violent civil rights movements across world)
  • 1890 Groucho Marx, NYC, New York, actor and comedian (You Bet Your Life, Copacabana, The Midado, Skidoo)
  • 1895 Bud Abbott, Asbury Park, New Jersey, actor and comedian (straight man in comedy team of Abbott & Costello)
  • 1904 Graham Greene, English author (Brighton Rock, The Power and the Glory, The Quiet American, No Man’s Land)
  • 1911 Jack Finney, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, author (The Body Snatchers, Time and Again, The Night People)
  • 1914 Jack Parsons, Pasadena, California, rocket scientist (solid fuel)
  • 1928 George “Spanky” McFarland, Dallas, Texas, actor (Our Gang / The Little Rascals)
  • 1944 Vernor Vinge, Waukesha, Wisconsin, author (A Fire Upon the Deep, A Deepness in the Sky, Fast Times at Fairmont High, The Peace War)
  • 1945 Don McLean, New Rochelle, New York, singer-songwriter and guitarist (American Pie)
  • 1948 Avery Brooks, Evansville, Indiana, actor (Benjamin Sisko on ST: Deep Space Nine; Hawk on Spenser: For Hire, A Man Called Hawk)
  • 1951 Sting, English musician (16 Grammy Awards)
  • 1970 Kelly Ripa, Stratford, New Jersey, actress, talk show host (All My Children, Live! morning talk show)

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Seven blunders of the world that lead to violence: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle. – Mahatma Gandhi
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1919 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1950 Peanuts comic strip by Charles M. Schulz is first published
  • 1959 The anthology series The Twilight Zone premieres on CBS television.
  • 1970 A plane carrying the Wichita State University football team, administrators, and supporters crashes in Colorado killing 31 people.
  • 2001 NATO backs U.S. military strikes following 9/11.
  • 2002 The Beltway sniper attacks begin, extending over three weeks.
  • 2005 The Ethan Allen tour boat capsizes on Lake George in Upstate New York, killing twenty people.
  • 2006 Five school girls are murdered by Charles Carl Roberts in a shooting at an Amish school in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania before Roberts commits suicide.

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Some government surveyors came to Ole’s farm and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice lunch. Some time later, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person instead of by letter.”

“What’s the bad news?”
“After our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!”
“That’s the best news I have heard in a long time! I just told Lena this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
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Teacher to class during a lesson on punctuation:

“Yes, ‘winky face’ is correct. But in ancient times the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written
devices known as ‘complete sentences’.”
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ONE-LINERS: Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
9. If I… Oops! I’m sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I’ve been typing in Bill Gates’ primary business plan.
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A man appeared at the door and announced, “Ma’am, I’m the piano tuner.”
“I didn’t call for a tuner,” the pianist said.
“I know, lady,” the man said. “Your neighbor did.”
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MIXED METAPHORS . . .

~”It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire.”
~”It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”

~”She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”
~”Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.”
~”Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”
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When I visited the West Coast I was looking forward to sampling seafood from the Pacific Ocean. At a small open-air restaurant, I selected the clam chowder. I asked the waitress, “Is it fresh?”

“Oh yes! We opened the can just this morning.”
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WARNING! GOLDEN OLDIE PUN ZONE!

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.”

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved!”
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INEPT ANALOGIES . . .

~ The sun was below the horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.
~ It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.
~ From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

~ Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.
~ The had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.
~ It’s basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.

~ He felt as confused as a homeless man on house arrest.
~ The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.
~ If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that’s a little colder than it is here.
~ The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
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Golden Oldie…. A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”
The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”
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Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
“I’m so tough,” said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”

“Well,” said the second boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”
“That’s nothing,” said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour.”

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A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

Remember to put the glass down.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ABOUT SCALLOPS (in honor of National Fried Scallops Day)

~ A scallop is a mollusk that propels itself along the bottom of the ocean by opening and closing its shell.
~ The sweet, delicate meat that we eat is the muscle used to open and close the shell.
~ Sea scallops are commonly harvested with dredges or bottom trawls on gravel, sand, or sand-mud bottoms.

~ Sea scallops are shucked and chilled on the boats after they are caught, this is due to the fact that they cannot live out of water.
~ Another way to get scallops is through having a diver. They are commonly known as Diver Scallops. They harvest scallops by hand in about 50 to 100 foot of water and often times in very poor visibility.

~ Not just jumbo or large. Sea scallops can range from 10 to 40 per pound, common sizes that you may find in markets are 10 to 20, 20 to 30 or 30 to 40.
~ Some sea scallops can be 2 inches in diameter, so when shopping remember that a 10 to 20 scallop will be close to the size of a half dollar.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: “Total Recall”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

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