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September 14th

It is more easy to be wise for others than for ourselves. – François Duc de La Rochefoucauld


TODAY – SEPTEMBER 14th

257th day of the year (258th in leap years) with 108 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Cream-Filled Donut Day
~ National Eat a Hoagie Day
~ Baby Safety Month
~ Little League Month
~ National Piano Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1804 John Gould, England, ornithologist (identification of the birds now nicknamed “Darwin’s finches” played a role in the inception of Darwin’s theory of evolution)
  • 1849 Ivan Pavlov, Russia, physiologist/pioneer in psychology (Nobel / classical conditioning (Pavlov’s dogs))
  • 1867 Charles Dana Gibson, Roxbury, Maine, illustrator (drew “Gibson Girl”)
  • 1914 Robert McCloskey, Hamilton, Ohio, author (One Morning in Maine and Burt Dow, Deep Water-man)
  • 1914 Clayton Moore, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Lone Ranger)
  • 1936 Walter Koenig, Chicago, Illinois, actor, writer (Chekov on Star Trek; Alfred Bester on Babylon 5; Nobility)
  • 1947 Sam Neill, New Zealand actor (The Hunt for Red October, Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park, Event Horizon, Merlin’s Apprentice, Alcatraz, Peaky Blinders, Hunt for the Wilderpeople)
  • 1971 Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Rye, New York, actress (Father of the Bride, Relativity, The 10th Kingdom, We Are Marshall, According to Jim, Nashville, Two and a Half Men)

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No life is so hard that you can’t make it easier by the way you take it. – Ellen Glasgow
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1814 The poem Defence of Fort McHenry is written by Francis Scott Key. The poem is later used as the lyrics of The Star-Spangled Banner.
  • 1901 President of the United States William McKinley dies after an assassination attempt on September 6, and is succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt.
  • 1948 Groundbreaking for the United Nations headquarters in New York City.
  • 1959 The Soviet probe Luna 2 crashes onto the Moon, becoming the first man-made object to reach it.
  • 1972 Waltons” TV program premiers.
  • 1975 The first American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, is canonized by Pope Paul VI.
  • 1994 The Major League Baseball season is canceled because of a strike.
  • 1998 Telecommunications companies MCI Communications and WorldCom complete their $37 billion merger to form MCI WorldCom.
  • 2001 Historic National Prayer Service held at Washington National Cathedral for victims of the September 11 attacks. A similar service is held in Canada on Parliament Hill, the largest vigil ever held in the nation’s capital.
  • 2015 The first observation of gravitational waves was made, announced by the LIGO and Virgo collaborations on 11 February 2016.

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The airhead calls to her husband from the bathroom, “Honey, I need help with this shampoo.”

“Isn’t the bottle in the medicine cabinet?”

“Oh, I found it okay; it’s just what it says on the label.”

“What’s the problem?”

It says it’s for dry hair, but I just wet mine. What should I do?”

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A young man was showing a friend around his apartment after they had been out drinking into the wee small hours. The friend noticed a huge bronze gong hanging on the wall. He asked, “What’s that thing for?”

“Oh, that’s my talking alarm clock.*

“How does it work?”

To demonstrate, the host grabbed the mallet and struck the gong solidly in its center. It produced the expected deep Bwwwooonnngggggg!!!! sound.

“Doesn’t sound like a talking clock to me.”

“Just wait …”

Sure enough, shortly thereafter came a voice through the wall: “TONE IT DOWN!! DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S TWO IN THE $&#**^% MORNING????”*

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ONE-LINERS: Work Sayings . . .

~ And your crybaby whiney opinion would be…?
~ I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
~ I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

~ A PBS mind in an MTV world.
~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?
~ Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

~ Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
~ Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

~ Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
~ I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
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We were trying to teach our young daughter to call us “Mommy” and “Daddy” instead of “Peggy” and “Jon”.

It seemed to be going well until she read the Bible passage, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son …” She gave the reference as “Daddy 3:16″.

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One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, ”Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, ”Here’s an orange.”

The professor was livid. ”No! No! Think like a lawyer!” the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, ”Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

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pic of the day: Jerusalem Artichoke Blooms & Bee

flowers and bee
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A police officer stops an airhead female for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”

The foreman replied, “Insanity.”

The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”.
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
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PUN ZONE ONE LINERS!

~ When chemists die, they barium.
~ I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

~ Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
~ I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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Kind of Punny. . .

Since my neighbor has helped me do many chores around my house in the past, I offered my assistance to him in pouring his new cement sidewalk.

We finished preparing the site and mixed the cement. Then we began pouring the new cement walkway leading to his front door. After laboring for a number of hours, we finished.

To those of you who have never poured cement, it is back-breaking work. A portion of cement the size of a medium bag of dog food weighs more than 100 pounds! We were both exhausted. We each opened a beer and sat down to admire our work.

Just then, two neighbor children came riding down the street on their bicycles. Seeing the fresh cement walkway, they cut across his lawn, and rode the bikes right across the fresh (still wet) cement, leaving bike tire tracks across the fruit of our labors.

My neighbor, totally out of character, immediately started screaming at the children. I had never heard him use such language! Especially directed at kids! He was angrier than I had ever seen him.

When he finally cooled down, I remarked, “I am surprised. I thought that you loved all the children around here.”

He looked over at me and responded, “In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete.”

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Late one night, an airhead saw a sign on an office building. It said: “Press bell for night watchman.” So the airhead pressed the bell.

After several minutes the night watchman could be heard clomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the airhead, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t press the bell yourself.”

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Tee Shirt Slogans. . .

~ Also Available in Sober.
~ I Recycle. I Wore this Shirt Yesterday.
~ Here I am! Now What are Your Other Two Wishes?

~ Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I’m a Raving Lunatic.
~ Voted Class of 2057’s Most Likely to Travel Back in Time.
~ I Cannot be Cloned without the Express Written Permission of Major League Baseball.

~ I’m Not Old, I’m Vintage!
~ I’m Like a Good Book. Wanna Curl Up With Me?
~ The World Doesn’t Revolve Around You. It Revolves Around Me.

~ Save the Drama for your Mama.
~ Official Member Fashion Police Academy.
~ Anybody Seen My Mind? I Know it’s Around Here Somewhere…
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College Applications , ,  , Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application:

~ “When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool.”

~ “Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He’ll never find out.”

~ “First off, coach said there wasn’t going to be no writing.”

~ “To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town’s water tower.”

~ “College is probably the last place they’ll look for me.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What makes your thumb so special? The thumb is such a major player in the human body that it has a special section, separate from the area that controls the fingers, reserved for it in the brain.

~Were there older tales than Camelot that told of Merlin? Sources show that the original tale of Merlin, otherwise known as Myrddin, started in the 6th century. He was a military commander who witnessed four of his brother’s being killed in battle and went mad with grief. Insane and stricken from society, he retreated to the woods to live as a wild man. A year later, he was discovered by representatives of the King of Strathclyde and brought back to his court. Living in the kingdom, but remaining wild in nature, he was said to have the gift of prophecy and was able to communicate and interact with the wild creatures of the forest.

~Was it always “one person — one vote?” Residential, economic, or educational qualification gave half a million Englishmen more than one vote in England in 1885. A university graduate who also owned a business in the City of London voted three times — once at his home, once for his university, and once in the City.

~ How many zeroes in a septillion? In the U.S. and France, a septillion is represented by the number 1 followed by 24 zeroes; in Great Britain and Germany, it is the number 1 followed by 42 zeroes.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages – Mark Twain.

Quip #2: Some people make headlines while others make history. – Philip Elmer-DeWitt

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. – Antoine Marie Roger de Saint-Exupery

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