Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. – Anonymous
TODAY – SEPTEMBER 1st
244th day of the year (245th in leap years) with 121 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ Emma M. Nutt Day (first woman telephone operator)
~ National Cherry Popover Day
~ National Chicken Boy Day
~ National Gyro Day
~ National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day (recognizes words which do not rhyme with any other words in the English language)
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
- 1795 James Gordon Bennett, Sr., Newmill, Scotland, American newspaper publisher (founded the New York Herald)
- 1854 Engelbert Humperdinck, Siegburg, Germany, composer (Hänsel und Gretel )
- 1875 Edgar Rice Burroughs, Chicago, Illinois, author (Tarzan, John Carter of Mars series, Pellucidar)
- 1906 Eleanor Burford Hibertt (pen names/ Jean Plaidy, Victoria Holt, and Philippa Carr), English author (historical, romance)
- 1907 Walter Reuther, Wheeling, West Virginia, union leader (founded United Auto Workers)
- 1931 Boxcar Willie, Ellis County, Texas, country musician
- 1933 Conway Twitty, Friars Point, Mississippi, singer-songwriter and guitarist (55 No.1 hits)
- 1939 Lily Tomlin, Detroit, Michigan actress (Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, Nashville, 9 to 5, I Heart Huckabees, A Prairie Home Companion, Grace and Frankie)
- 1942 C. J. Cherryh, St. Louis, Missouri, author (Down Below Station, Alliance-Union Universe, Gene Wars, Fortress Series)
- 1945 Scott Spencer, Washington, D.C., author (Endless Love, Waking the Dead, Men in Black, Willing, Breed, Brood)
- 1946 Barry Gibb, Douglas, Isle of Man, English singer (Bee Gees)
- 1950 Dr. Phil McGraw, Vinita, Oklahoma, psychologist / talk show host (Dr. Phil)
- 1957 Gloria Estefan, Cuba/American, singer (Miami Sound Machine-Conga, 1-2-3)
- 1961 Christopher Ferguson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USN Captain, pilot, and astronaut (STS-115, STS-126, STS-135)
- 1966 Ken Levine, Flushing, New York, video game designer (BioShock), co-founded Irrational Games
- 1979 Andrew Muldoon, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Figure Skating Champion (With partner Carissa Guild, he is the 1996 U.S. novice silver medalist)
- 1996 Zendaya, Oakland, California, actress, singer, and dancer (Shake It Up, runner-up on 16th Dancing with the Stars w/Val Chmerkovskiy)
The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. – Marcus Aurelius
- 1804 Juno, one of the largest main belt asteroids, is discovered by German astronomer Karl Ludwig Harding.
- 1836 Narcissa Whitman, one of the first English-speaking white women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains, arrives at Walla Walla, Washington.
- 1862 Battle of Chantilly during the American Civil War: Confederate forces attack retreating Union troops in Chantilly, Virginia.
- 1878 Emma Nutt becomes the world’s first female telephone operator when she was recruited by Alexander Graham Bell to the Boston Telephone Dispatch Company.
- 1902 A Trip to the Moon, considered one of the first science fiction films, is released in France.
- 1905 Alberta & Saskatchewan become 8th & 9th Canadian provinces.
- 1920 The Fountain of Time opens as a tribute to the 100 years of peace between the United States and Great Britain following the Treaty of Ghent.
- 1939 George C. Marshall becomes Chief of Staff of the United States Army.
- 1951 The United States, Australia and New Zealand sign a mutual defense pact, called the ANZUS Treaty.
- 1972 Bobby Fischer (US) defeats Boris Spassky (USSR) for world chess title.
- 1979 The American space probe Pioneer 11 becomes the first spacecraft to visit Saturn when it passes the planet at a distance of 21,000 km.
- 1980 Terry Fox’s Marathon of Hope ends in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
- 1982 The United States Air Force Space Command is founded.
- 1985 A joint American–French expedition locates the wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
- 2004 Beslan school hostage crisis begins when armed terrorists take hundreds of schoolchildren and adults hostage in the Russian town of Beslan in North Ossetia.
Golden Oldie… A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Preacher spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
ONE-LINERS: Funny Employee Evaluations
~ A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargles.
~ His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
~ He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
~ Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.
~ When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
~ This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
~ This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
~ This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.
~ She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says “I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?”
“No” the cook says, “three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon.”
“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, “What are the beans for?”
The waitress replies, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up.”
The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school.
“There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
“But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
“Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life’s stormy seas?”
Herman raised his hand and said, “Easy. One of them got caught.”
cartoon for today:
Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, “How much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?”
“The cost is $0.50 per word,” said the newspaper editor.
Janie said, “Fine, please print: ‘Bubba died’.”
The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a seven word minimum charge. Janie thought for a moment, then said, “Okay, then, please print: ‘Bubba died. 2003 pickup truck for sale’.”
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.”
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ”I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ”So, what’s the catch?”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
“How old are you?”
The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
“Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?!”
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. “Yale,” she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home.”
The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”
TODAY IN TRIVIA: Where do orchids come from?Some orchids come from the deep jungles. But every country in the world, and every province in Canada, has at least one orchid species, including the Arctic. Ontario, for example, has more than 60 species of native orchids.
~ What is Chicken Boy Day? This day honors the birthday of a fiberglass statue of a boy with a chicken head that stands along Route 66 in California. The statue is 22 feet tall and the boy is holding a bucket of chicken. Named after the former 1960s Chicken Boy Restaurant, he is also known as the “Statue of Liberty of Los Angeles.”
~ How did Peter capitalize on Albert’s rejection?
Albert Finney turned down the role of Lawrence in David Lean’s epic Lawrence of Arabia (1962) because it would have required him to sign a 5-year contract. The part went to newcomer Peter O’Toole, who had not done a major film before. O’Toole’s performance catapulted him to international fame.
~ How many feathers in a shuttlecock?
Olympic badminton rules say that the shuttlecock has to have exactly 16 feathers. The best shuttles are made from the feathers from the left wing of a goose.
~ Where is the blue hole?
The Blue Hole is located just off of the coast of Belize, near the Ambergris Caye. The Blue Hole began as a limestone cave in our last Ice Age. After ages of erosion the cave collapsed leaving the scenic beauty we see today. The Blue Hole is almost perfectly circular reaching 300m (1000ft) across and 120m (400ft) deep.
~ Can you find mice in trees?
There are mice that nest in trees. These creatures may spend their whole life without ever touching the ground.
QUIP OF THE DAY: He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. – Paul Keating
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Your attitude, not your aptitude, determines your altitude. – Zig Ziglar