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September 20th

Evil is obvious only in retrospect. – Gloria Steinem, Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions


TODAY – SEPTEMBER 20th

263rd day of the year (264th in leap years) with 102 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
~ National Punch Day
~ National Rum Punch Day
~ Better Breakfast Month
~ Classical Music Month
~ National Mushroom Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1878 Upton Sinclair, Baltimore, Maryland, author (The Jungle, Lanny Budd series)
  • 1929 Anne Meara, Brooklyn, New York, comedian/actress (Stiller & Meara, Archie’s Place) (mother of Ben and Amy Stiller)
  • 1934 Sophia Loren, Rome, Italy, actress (Desire Under the Elms, Black Orchid, Fantastic Voyage, Grumpier Old Men)
  • 1947 Jude Devereaux, Fairdale, Kentucky, author (historical romances: Where the Heart Roams, Heartwishes, Moonlight Masquerade)
  • 1948 George R. R. Martin, Bayonne, New Jersey, author (A Song of Ice and Fire series of epic fantasy novels, adapted for Game of Thrones HBO series)
  • 1956 Gary Cole, Park Ridge, Illinois, actor (Fatal Vision, Entourage, Line of Fire, The West Wing, Kim Possible, I Spy, Brady Bunch movies, Veep, Mercy Street)
  • 1967 Kristen Johnston, Washington, D.C., actress (3rd Rock from the Sun, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Exes, Daytime Divas)
  • 1975 Moon Bloodgood, Anaheim, California, actress (Terminator Salvation, Falling Skies)
  • 1976 Jon Bernthal, Washington, D.C., actor (Eastwick, The Walking Dead, Mob City, Daredevil)
  • 1986 Aldis Hodge, North Carolina, actor (A.T.O.M., Red Sands, Leverage, Underground)
  • 1991 Spencer Locke, Winter Park, Florida, actress (Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Cougar Town, Tarzan 2013)
  • 1995 Sammi Hanratty, Scottsdale, Arizona, actress (Pushing Daisies, Salem, The Saint)

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Some people make headlines while others make history. – Philip Elmer-DeWitt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1519 Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda with about 270 men on his expedition to circumnavigate the globe.
  • 1633 Galileo Galilei is tried before the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith for teaching that the Earth orbits the sun.
  • 1881 Chester A. Arthur is inaugurated as the 21st President of the United States following the assassination of James Garfield.
  • 1891 The first gasoline-powered car debuts in Springfield, Massachusetts, United States.
  • 1968 Mickey Mantle hits final career homer # 536.
  • 1973 Billy Jean King beats Bobby Riggs in battle-of-sexes tennis match.
  • 1979 Lee Iacocca is elected president of the Chrysler Corporation.
  • 1984 Suicide car bomb attacks US Embassy annex in Beirut, killing 12 people.
  • 2001 In an address to a joint session of Congress and the American people, U.S. President George W. Bush declares a “war on terror”.
  • 2011  The United States ends its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.

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The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.

He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, okay!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”

Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”
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Would you like to join …

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I’ll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No – they probably wouldn’t accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?
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I went for my annual physical the other day. The doctor said, “The best thing for you to do is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.”

I said, “Doc, I don’t deserve the best. What’s second best?”
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Kids say the funniest things…

My 4-year-old niece Brittany is an absolute joy, and sometimes a trial. The hardest thing to do is get her to say Thank You, I’m Sorry, or Please.

One day I asked her why she wouldn’t say thank you. She thought about it for a minute and then looked at me with a serious little face and said: “I don’t got no manners in my mouth.”

Now every time she says thank you or please, she’ll look at me and grin, then say: “Look! I have manners in my mouth!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.

~ The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

~ I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

~ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

~ Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

~ “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.
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The airplane’s pilot came on the PA to make an announcement to the passengers: “This is your captain speaking. We have lost one engine and we will be 20 minutes late landing.”

A bit later: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be 40 minutes late landing.”

A bit later still – and in a somewhat agitated voice: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be an hour late landing.”

One passenger said to another passenger, “I hope we don’t lose the last engine or we’ll be up here all night.”
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Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls…

John: “What happened this time?”
Jill: “My brakes went out. Can you come get me?”

John: “Where are you?”
Jill: “I’m in the drugstore.”

John: “And where’s the car?”
Jill: “It’s in here with me.”
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As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
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A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that’s what I call faith!”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was Ellis Island used for during the war? During World War II, Ellis Island in New York Harbor was a detention center for illegal or criminal aliens already in the United States. The Coast Guard also trained recruits there. Following the war, fewer people were detained and the facility was closed in 1954. New Jersey has sovereignty over most of Ellis Island.

~ What made Jannene’s marriage so unusual? In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-pound rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than twenty people.

~ What was Lizzie accused of? According to poetic legend, Lizzie Borden used her ax and gave her mother 40 whacks and her father 41. In actuality, the police accused her of giving her father 10 whacks and her stepmom 19. Lizzie was acquitted at her trial of the double murder.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.

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